Alone and blogging

I haven't really been able to blog for a while in fact there is so much in my life that I haven't been able to manage. I know I may have put this before but to explain my 30 year marriage ended 15 weeks ago now. He left me by sending a text message and ran off with one of my best friends. And it hurts so much. Every day I just hope it will start getting easier - and to be honest in some ways it is. I no longer want him back. I realise that what he has done is so bad and has hurt so much there is no going back. But still I wake every morning with them in my head and I go to sleep the same and in between I have moments of OK, moments of better than OK and moments of utter hell.

I ache inside, I ache with loneliness. I feel it like a pain. I know it is too soon to even be thinking about starting another relationship but I so miss having someone around. After 30 years, even though they weren't all good I so miss waking up beside someone, having someone to talk to, discussing the rubbish on TV, eating with and so on and so on. Some days I really believe that one day there will be someone else for me but most days all I feel is a great be empty hole of the future of being alone, of coping alone. And I absolutely hate it.

Today is a bad day, a really bad day - lots and lots of crying already, up at 5am because I can't bear lying there thinking of them, thinking of what they have done. I can't ring my friends crying anymore - I have had enough of me so I know they have. I want it to stop -I want the days to be better, I want to feel like I can cope with boy and just make a life for myself alone and not keep feeling like this. I know many many people live alone and they do just fine, they are happy and able to live their life to the full. I have done so many things to try and make this go away but it just wont. I am at college one day a week, I volunteer, I have got the house much tidier and have really cleared the clutter, I cook and I clean and I do the garden and I cut wood - lots and lots of things. But I still have so many days like today when I just feel so empty, so alone and can't stop crying.

I know if I just make myself then I should be writing - that may be the savour to my life - if I can write everyday and really get into it I might stop feeling like this but trouble is my concentration span is hopeless, my confidence lower than usual and my avoidance huge.

I have started to do some jogging, maybe physical exercise will stop the pain and help me continue to loose weight and help me see a future for myself.

So here is my first blog for a while and yes it is just me feeling sorry for myself - as another blogger puts it a proper visit from the 'self pity' gnome. I don't know if it will help but I have to try, I have to try anything to stop myself feeling like this. I know somewhere inside I have the means to move on but some days I just can't summon it up.

If anyone is reading this 'I am sorry' but if it helps me at all I am not.

dix

A Weekend Summer School

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend a local university summer school with Boy. I have to admit as the time got nearer I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. I was worried about not fitting in; that it would be lots of big headed parents and that Boy would be out of his depth. How wrong could I be?

We had a fantastic time - in fact he quickly established himself and went off with the other children and got on with the workshops and activities. It was very tiring and very stimulating and very optimistic and everything, and much more, that I hoped it would be.

It made me understand that he copes well at school, that he does OK and that his social skills are just fine. Yeah maybe he doesn't have lots of close friends but that is OK with him so it is OK with me.

I was really tired when we came back on Sunday but also very elated, it has given us both a boost and that is good.

I have a job interview on Thursday and that is just what I needed to help me be more confident and more convinced of my ability to succeed.

A great time; a great summer school; a positive experience. Just what we needed.

Dix

Hot

Now don't get me wrong I love the hot weather. It makes me feel good and it makes people happy. Sunshine makes people nicer to each other. I love nothing better than being outside basking in the sun (yeah bit like a whale!!!) and feeling how wonderful life is.

But last night it was just too bloody hot. I had the fan on most of the day and all night in the bedroom and it was still boiling. Trouble is I live in a chalet bungalow and the only room upstairs is our bedroom. It sits under a very dark roof and has only one window - this is not good for circulating the air. Sometimes I don't even mind it being really hot upstairs - I just lie there and enjoy the heat but something about yesterday was different. It was very close and hot. This just made it impossible to sleep; impossible to get comfortable.

I was aware of how much I was sweating (it was uncomfortable) and how much him lying next to me sweating - it was unpleasant. At some stage I should have just got up. I thought about chucking my tent up in the garden and sleeping out there. I should have done. Instead I lay there unable to sleep properly and then having some dreadful nightmare that made no sense and didn't seem to come to a conclusion.

I have two craps nights sleep now so I bet by tomorrow I will begin to feel awful and I have a busy weekend ahead.

Ah well, I better have a little afternoon nap - that always seems to help and feels like a naughty treat.

Dix

On juggling

I am 50 years old and trying to manage a home; a 13 year old Kinship Foster Child; numerous money issues; tiredness and work. Trouble is I am not always managing it.

Yesterday was a perfect example of this problem. I was due to work all day yesterday (Sunday), not something I would have normally chosen to do as the weekend is always a nightmare. But we are short staffed and I thought I could manage it. And sometimes I can. Trouble is we have just had a change of staffing and the previous manager got completely mixed up when I told her which days I am available and which I am not. My hubbie has every other weekend off, but not this weekend and instead of putting me on his weekend offs, she put me the wrong way around.

So I have to get a baby sitter. This is difficult at the best of times but sometimes nearly impossible. Yesterday was all sorted. My daughter was happy to come and sit with Boy. Don't know she had much planned but anyway all was safe and happy. What happened to make the plan go wrong? Her mother-in-law was rushed in to hospital with a suspected stroke (second one) and she had to go to the hospital with her partner - he needed her support and I totally understand this. Trouble was the phone call came through 1 hour and 15 mins before I had to got to work.

What can I do? I rang the couple of other people who sometimes help out. One was away and the other I couldn't contact. Oh dear. Panic, panic, panic. I sat and thought about. I know that I have to stay with Boy. He is and will always be my first priority. So I ring work and get a not so nice reception. I can understand why but it doesn't help.

So where am I now. Well I am an unreliable worker and will probably lose my job (it is only relief and I am very replaceable). I can't get another job because I flag up as reliable. I need the money from working, if only part-time, it pays lots of bills. I need to be a good reliable foster carer, parent, mother figure; wife; home keeper; finance manager; budgeter; and all round perfect person.

Yesterday I failed on all fronts. And what did it make me feel like - well pretty lousy really.

And how did Boy react - not 'Oh great we have the day together to so stuff' - No - instead 'Oh will there be enough money to go on holiday now?'

I almost feel like I am too old to be doing this stuff - like I am trying the juggling but every day something hits the deck.

No work today - thank god - just a day to relax and take time to do for me - stuff the housework, stuff the money management - I am blogging, watching daytime soaps and meeting a mate for coffee.

I am juggling for me.

Dix

On Tiredness

The trouble is I am often tired - I mean really tired. So tired it is hard to do anything. When it hits me in the evening sometimes I can literally do nothing but go to sleep.

Work makes me incredibly tired. Even though I only do shortish shifts - sometimes I am absolutely exhausted. I sit down and that is it - almost like I just can't do anything else but sit and sleep.

I don't think this is normal - some people seem to be able to fit huge amounts into their days. They work and socialise and garden and still seem to get up early and stay up late. I can get up early, although I can never just wake up and get up. It always takes me at least half an hour of turning off the snooze on my mobile phone before I am able to get out of bed. Sometimes longer. I am never firing on all cylinders first thing either. I used to be able to stay up late, be awake and alert at all hours and full of life. I realise that my weight and stress has not helped in this and know that if I eat a better diet I always feel better but even so most days I could sleep 10 hours and still feel tired.

I don't sleep 10 hours - mostly I sleep 7 or 8 - but even so much of the evening is spent just chillin' out and getting nothing done.

I am 50 now, I manage to walk the dog every day for at least an hour (so that is good and it certainly keeps me sane), sometimes I cycle long distances with boy (15 miles plus), I try to walk instead of parking close by, swim when I can afford it and love being outside. These are all good things - I know they are and I feel proud of them.

But just sometimes I am so tired my body is screaming inside that I must lie down and go to sleep. I literally must. I am able to overcome this sometimes by just standing up and walking around but I always pay the cost for this - lots of aches and pains and then can't sleep when I need to.

Is this just old age? Is this about being overweight? Is it about stress? Or is it just me?

Dix

About bonfires

Now I have always thought of my self as a fairly tolerant neighbour (others may tell you different) and just want every one to 'live and let live'. I know I am noisy sometimes and sometimes just want to be left alone to have a quiet life.

This morning I decided to have a lie in (don't worry I get to the bonfire bit soon). I love nothing more than relaxing in bed and listening to the birds and others getting on with their lives. It was 8 am and I knew I needed to get up but just thought, hey a few minutes longer.

Then the smell began, just a slight whiff at first, then it got stronger and stronger - a bloody bonfire. Well my first thought is always has a house or car caught alight - one of my neighbours did once have a garage go up in the middle of the night with lots of huge bangs where the gas tanks went up. But the smell got stronger and the air outside the window became dense with smog like smoke. Ah yes I know, the new house being built on the corner - the builders are burning stuff.

Trouble is the house next door to me has just had a huge extension and the builders did lots of burning then. And they always seem to light a fire when I have washing out, or are just about to put washing out and the day before has been drizzly and wet so I couldn't get anything dry. So I jumped out of bed, most unusual for me, and had to shut the bedroom window (something I hate doing in the summer) then came down the stairs mumbling about bonfires and bloody builders and having to shut the back door.

The smell has gone down somewhat, it is now mid morning. I have washing out just because I don't really have anywhere else to put it and I hate using the tumble dryer unless I have to. But the air still feels well, polluted and I hate it.

I love living near the sea because the air is so wonderful. It smells clean and full of sea air (if you know what I mean) and not full of car fumes and bonfires. I wonder about asking the builders to have fires later in the day but think this might make me look like an interfering neighbour (which from this blog I probably am), but also think well, it might be better to say what I feel as the solution might not bother them so much. Oh god I am running on but you see what I mean.

So I guess what I am saying is I hate bonfire smoke in the summer and am too 'lily livered' to do anything about it.

Dix

21.20 to 21.50

There is something about the time 9.20 to 9.50 pm that makes me space out. Don't ask me why but during those times I just don't seem to be able to function.

I always have a really low point around 3 pm but at least I can stay awake and keep going but in the evening I just seems to phase out. Whether I am on the phone or watching TV or even out I always struggle at this time.

I watch TV programs and tend to fall asleep and then wake up 10 minutes before the end and wonder what the hell is going on. If I am out I find myself sitting quietly and willing myself to stay engaged with other people but if I am on the phone it is worse.

Last night I was on the phone to JC (she has just got an amazing essay result which is just brilliant) I love talking to JC and we often don't keep in touch enough. We were chatting but I could feel myself really struggling to stay focused, to stay on the conversation. But why? I was really interested, really wanted to speak to her but it just couldn't.

And I hate it. People must think I am being really rude. That I am not interested in what they are saying but it couldn't be further from the truth it is just that I have developed this trait - this time when I can't function properly and I can't seem to get out of it. Guess I ought to try and really make an effort to keep myself going at that time - stand up and walk about, that kinda thing.

I am out tonight - darts - and I am going to monitor the time and make sure I stay focused at that time, even if I have to slap myself.

So just to say - to friends and anyone who speaks to me between 9.20 and 9.50 I am so sorry and slap me or call me names if I phase out on you. It is rude and it isn't ok. I wouldn't except it so neither should you.

Dix

More Haiku

The first one is a re write (well I added a little cos I got my syllables wrong) - Thanks JC although I suspect there will be more.


Ice cream

Great glorious
mouthfuls of creamy luscious
Cold. Lick, lick, lick. Hmmm.....


Chocolate

Sensual oblong
cool, unsatisfying
object of desire.


Deprivation

It's so weird -
visualising bed; craving
sleep and dreams.



Bob's Philosophy

Bob said "Born to
be slapped and scream; die
screaming silently."



I don't know - are they better - maybe better meanings. Hope you enjoy and JC I don't mind if you check syllables and let me know.

dix

Sleep

Thursday night I did my first night shift for a while. I have done some research (on line of course) about how to manage staying awake all night better. Firstly I should try and get some sleep before I go to work - I tried this but I really wanted to sleep around 3 pm but had to pick Boy up from school then so tried going to bed around 5pm and just couldn't sleep.

Secondly it said as long as you replace REM sleep which for most people is around 3 hours a night then in one day you can be totally back to normal. So as I had an appointment on Friday I managed to get about 3 hours sleep during the day Friday and then went to bed last night just after 10pm and slept until 9.30 this morning. And I must admit it seemed to have worked. I don't really feel much different (bearing in mind I often feel tired all the time anyway).

I quite enjoyed doing the night - there is no one to bother me, no one to piss me off and I got through the work well. Yes it is tiring and lots and lots of bloody cleaning especially 5 toilets - and you do often miss the next day in bed but hey, it is working at the mo so as far as I am concerned it is a solution.

In the middle of the night I did think to myself why am I just a glorified cleaner with a good degree and lots of experience. But then I thought my choices and things can always get better.

And there is a bit of good news, there is a job that I can apply for online (and in the paper unfortunately but at least I can try and be better than the competition). I am already thinking about how to write my supporting statement (as I feel like this is where it can be lost or won) and the hours of this job although not a lot would help us no end. If I keep thinking positively than things can only get better - right?

Dix

Another sleepless night

I couldn't sleep again last night just hours and hours of restlessness surrounded by short hours of well, napping. By 5 am I got to that time when I am never sure whether to get up and just do something else or try and get some more sleep. I stayed in bed and haven't woken up until nearly 9 o'clock. I feel like I am wasting the days (although the weather is absolutely hideous so not sure what I can actually do with the day). Now I feel wasted, and low. I have that feeling that is imbedded inside of lowness - it will mean I am liable to cry at any moment and probably will.

I have decided to be a busy as possible today and then hopefully will sleep really well tonight. I have to as Friday night I work all night and have to stay awake.

Maybe it is having to stay awake one night a week that is doing this to me - I am not sure. Only one more month of one night a week then back to normal.

Lots of things going around in my head - and none of them constructive or creative.

But have started another book from my collection that feels like it is going to be a good read. That would mean the last 4 books I have read have been good (5 if you include my toilet book - Harold Pinter).

Too tired

I have to admit I am really just too tired to blog today. I have just read a couple of the blogs that I enjoy and they are all reflecting how I feel. I wish I had something useful and helpful to say to JC and encouraging to say to Luna and well just clever to say to Glroz. But hey, as per normal I just don't.

Humphrey Bogart, the wonderful American film actor, died today in 1957.

Not much to say on this but I so remember African Queen when I was a kid and only watched Casablanca in the last 3 or 4 years. I always thought, well sorry, that he kinda mumbled abit, but I guess that was his charm.

Map out your future, but do it in pencil.

I could never read maps or draw maps come to think of it - guess that explains much.

6 Words to describe your life

I went on the One Minute Writer site today http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/ and decided to have a go. The subject is 6 words to describe your life. What a great task although very much brings out the glass half full; glass half empty mentality.

It is great to think about how your feel about life in the simplest way.

Any one out there I would love it if you would write in my comments 6 words to describe your life. Go on I dare you.

Here are my attempts.

• Happy, sad, confident, confused, tired and alive.
• Carpe diem - seize the day - today.
• Awake - rush, drive, work - rush, sleep.
• Alive, watching, listening, smiling, loving, alive.
• Wake to work, home to sleep.
• Wake to friends, home to love.
• My family, my dog, my cats.
• Money - bills, money - work, money - fun?
• Breakfast, elevenses, lunch, high- tea, dinner, supper.
• Fat, chocolate, cheese. Diet, veggies, fruit.
• Dreaming, writing, looking, creating, writing, dreaming.

Got a better one?

DiH

God I'm tired

Hey, I have another busy day today and I am really tired already. I feel like my head and my heart is going to explode but I have to just keep going. I wish my life was easier; I wish I could make my life easier; I wish I enjoyed my life more. When I think about this I am the only one that can make this happen - and I should. I have before - I can again (I wish i would automatically capitalise in this blog!).

I went to bed at 8.00 pm last night and finished my book and then slept for 11 hours. It was a disastrous evening and I want to put it behind me, be proactive and move on. - No probs.

A few words of Spike to finish I think.

THE FUTURE

The young boy stood looking up the road
to the future. In the distance both sides
appeared to converge together. 'That
is due to perspective, when you reach
there the road is as wide as it is here,'
said an old wise man. The young
boy set off on the road, but,
as he went on, both sides of the
road converged until he could
go no further. He returned to ask
the old man what to do, but
the old man was dead.

Spike Milligan

Dublin

January 1972

Which end of the road am I at? The one converged or the one open to possibilities and life?

Old age and Funny sad emails

A friend sent me this email. I get loads of these funny, sad and frankly soppy mails and normally I just read them and pass them on or delete them. But there was something about this one I liked. Maybe I am just in that kinda mood. I am very tired and a little sad so guess it was the right time. Working again today and really don't want to. Hope day goes well and I just get through it. Working again tomorrow as well. Oh well. It all earns the money.

Ps think I have managed to put the time right at last.

Enjoy.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.

Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the sagging butt and expanding belly. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become nicer to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, (I have learnt to enjoy it) or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, 70’s and 80’s if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love or a sad romantic film, I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set (and the freezing cold) they, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair and turning gray, to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

A very quick note

I am going to the Norfolk show tomorrow and to be truthful I am quiet anxious about it. I think it will be hard work and very tiring. Pushing a wheelchair around anywhere is hard but I think the Norfolk Show will be particularly difficult. I think it is my age. Suddenly after turning 40 life appears to be taking its toll. Yet strangly I have probably achieved more in what seems like less time. (I feel another blog in this line - life after 40).

I have caught up a little at work but have lots to do before next Tuesday but I am sure I will be ok with hard work and much less sleep.

My mind has not been particularly creative today - I guess ideas don't come all the time. Although I like it when they do.

My early morning walk on the beach was wonderful - I just loved it. What can be better than walking along the sea edge and feeling that life is just worth living. I wished my house overlooked the sea - with coastal erosion that is a possibility in the next 50 years. I don't expect to be here to see that but one never knows.

Hope tomorrow goes well.

Tiredness, work and fat

Oh my god I am tired. I have just had three days off and I am knackered. I now have 6 days a day off and then 4 days. Not good when I am already tired. And I have to go in early today.

When I think about my days off I only actually relaxed one day the others were spent either frantically trying to get the garden tidy, or frantically trying to catch up with housework. Neither of which I managed to any great success. At least the weather was ok, if somewhat windy. I only work 30 hours a week, or I am supposed to but in reality I normally do something extra so it is getting closer to full time hours but sometimes I am absolutely exhausted. What is the cure? None I suspect. I am lucky that on the whole I like my job, even when I have a crap day I do like my job. I feel like I am making a difference that people's lives are better for it and if I am truthful others notice that I am making a difference and tell me. That's so nice - to recieve some sort of recognition that what you do makes a difference. I wonder how many people are lucky enough to feel like this - teachers probably, and police and such like. I have had teachers that have totally changed my life and given me so much confidence to move forward and to feel a more complete person. Anyway I am getting off the subject.

But when I get so tired I start to getting grumpy and start to find fault in others (not an easy person to work with), I think everyone should do the job in a certain way and can't understand why they don't. Oh by the way have I said what I do - I'm a support worker for individuals with learning disabilities. And I love the job (I know I mentioned that already!!). So I have been thinking about this week. And decided on my tasks for the week.

1 I will not get grumpy at work - if I start to feel grumpy I will go somewhere else for a while and calm down.

2 I will not talk about or pass my opinion on about other people - just keep quiet and stop giving my opinion - every one is different and difference is good.

Will I manage it - I am going to try but who knows - I will let you know. We have a new guy started work with us who is religious and talks about sinners and being good and it has really made me think. I am becoming the person I really don't want to be. I am becoming that person who feels trapped in the corner and has to come out fighting. And I don't want to be that person. And I want to be a better person. I want to feel better about myself.

I know it is all a very boring mantra but worth a go, don't you think.

My other constant battle is the diet. I have lost 27 and half pounds so far, since January. Not stunningly quick but steady and making a difference. But in the last few days I have been eating really badly, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and this is making me feel ill and tired. So I need to stop this and just get back on course. I need to make it 2 stone and I need to keep going. I have 6 stone to lose (which is an enormous amount) but if I can get my degree I honestly believe I can do anything.

I have just read back over this post and thought what a boring load of twaddle but then it's my boring load of twaddle so that's ok.

Better go, feed the dog, walk the dog, change the cat tray, shower and wash my hair, sort the washing, feed the cats, empty the dishwasher, lock up and cycle to work (weather's good and can't really afford anymore petrol until pay day next week).

Ain't life grand!