BR - a cat called norton by Peter Gethers

This is a funny little book written by a chap about his cat. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. It is not literature but it is entertaining and it doesn't end on a sad note (always good with animal books). He takes his cat everywhere and it fits along nicely with his life.

I found it really easy to read but it made me smile and that is OK. So if you like cats; don't mind the American slant and want an easy entertaining read - give this a go. You won't be disappointed.

Dix

BR - What if God were the Sun? by John Edwards

I have had this book for ages - years even but recently it kept coming to the top and being in my eyesight. I, mistakenly took this to mean that it was a message for me to read it. That this book would help me in some way - would help me feel better or give me a answer to the pain I feel in my life at the moment.

It didn't.

In fact it is a very poor book with little or no story line, is badly written and didn't leave me with any feeling apart from why did I bother to read it, buy it, or keep it so long. He didn't even explore the spiritualism properly. Oh well I can now pass it on and it won't be part of the clutter in my house anymore.

Dix

BR - the accidental by Ali Smith

I found this book really good to read and really bad. I know that doesn't really make sense but it does to me. I would recommend this book to anyone but beware it is written in a style that make is difficult; that makes you question what you have read and re read again and again. Well that is what I did anyway. I really liked the end, which is unusual for me as I normally find ends a disappointment. There are parts of the story I guess I still don't get but other parts that just wowed me. They left me wishing I could write like this; wishing I could get anywhere near this standard.

I don't want to even start to explain the story; it would just sound crap in explanation so if you are brave or if anything intrigues you - read it.

Dix

One Art by Elizabeth Biship

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop


I heard this poem and found it touched me. It touched my heart - so appropriate. I have to learn the art of loosing. I have to learn the art (again) of loosing love.

Dix

I found this quote by Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I found this quote on another blog that I read. I so hope that it is true but at least for today it has made me feel better.

Dix

Alone and blogging

I haven't really been able to blog for a while in fact there is so much in my life that I haven't been able to manage. I know I may have put this before but to explain my 30 year marriage ended 15 weeks ago now. He left me by sending a text message and ran off with one of my best friends. And it hurts so much. Every day I just hope it will start getting easier - and to be honest in some ways it is. I no longer want him back. I realise that what he has done is so bad and has hurt so much there is no going back. But still I wake every morning with them in my head and I go to sleep the same and in between I have moments of OK, moments of better than OK and moments of utter hell.

I ache inside, I ache with loneliness. I feel it like a pain. I know it is too soon to even be thinking about starting another relationship but I so miss having someone around. After 30 years, even though they weren't all good I so miss waking up beside someone, having someone to talk to, discussing the rubbish on TV, eating with and so on and so on. Some days I really believe that one day there will be someone else for me but most days all I feel is a great be empty hole of the future of being alone, of coping alone. And I absolutely hate it.

Today is a bad day, a really bad day - lots and lots of crying already, up at 5am because I can't bear lying there thinking of them, thinking of what they have done. I can't ring my friends crying anymore - I have had enough of me so I know they have. I want it to stop -I want the days to be better, I want to feel like I can cope with boy and just make a life for myself alone and not keep feeling like this. I know many many people live alone and they do just fine, they are happy and able to live their life to the full. I have done so many things to try and make this go away but it just wont. I am at college one day a week, I volunteer, I have got the house much tidier and have really cleared the clutter, I cook and I clean and I do the garden and I cut wood - lots and lots of things. But I still have so many days like today when I just feel so empty, so alone and can't stop crying.

I know if I just make myself then I should be writing - that may be the savour to my life - if I can write everyday and really get into it I might stop feeling like this but trouble is my concentration span is hopeless, my confidence lower than usual and my avoidance huge.

I have started to do some jogging, maybe physical exercise will stop the pain and help me continue to loose weight and help me see a future for myself.

So here is my first blog for a while and yes it is just me feeling sorry for myself - as another blogger puts it a proper visit from the 'self pity' gnome. I don't know if it will help but I have to try, I have to try anything to stop myself feeling like this. I know somewhere inside I have the means to move on but some days I just can't summon it up.

If anyone is reading this 'I am sorry' but if it helps me at all I am not.

dix

It's Official

It's official. I really have no clue what I am doing.

Today I am (well, I think I am meeting someone). I say I think because just at this moment I think it may not happen. Not sure why I think that, just have a feeling.

I am blindly getting on with my life. I still suffer every day. I still feel the pain everyday but hey, I am still here and I am still managing, well more than managing. So does it matter I don't know what I am doing - probably not. Maybe that is what makes life exciting. For once I have no certainty in my life. I don't know where I will be living next year, I don't really know what I will be doing, I don't know if I can manage Boy alone, I don't know if I will ever meet anyone else, I don't know if I can ever get over the betrayal, I don't know if I can ever forgive enough to get them out of my mind, I don't know if I can continue to pay the bills. I just don't know. In other words I am probably like the huge majority of people out there. I haven't a clue.

So here goes into another day - it may be good - it may be bad. It may be exciting or just plain ordinary. But here goes - here goes me who hasn't a clue.

And that is OK right now. It really is.

Dix

You have to believe

"You have to believe"

"You have to believe you can be a writer

to be a writer.

Contrasts

Contrasts

Joy, like a flower
sits in a place
right beside my
heart and blooms,
to happiness, love
and Joy.

Pain, like a wound
cuts in a place
right beside my
heart and stabs
incessantly with hurt, lies
and Pain.

Flowers bloom then
fade around the edges;
a knowledge gained from endings
and pain.
The sadness of
the summer gone.

Summer brings new
growth, and flowers,
bold and beautiful;
returning to
the joy.
The smiles and happiness of
warmth and laughter.

Big Bold Flowers with Them

Orange is gone,
long live the cream,
long live the Big Bold Flowers.
Flowers,
gold, green and brown.
Long live the darkened
contrasting curtains
that hang so eloquently ....

Sitting in between them laughing -
dying inside.
Wanting to run,
wanting to hide
but longing for fun and laughter,
longing to belong again?

My heads fuzzy,
my arms heavy from Pernod.
Knowing I have to stay,
knowing I need to stay.
Stay with them,
Free to be me with them,
Free to be me at last,
free to listen and learn and feel again.
With them.


Dix

With special thanxs to JC and your Big Bold Flowers and Luna - you are special, special people. Hope I can soon learn to be here for you again. Love Ya

Waiting

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

His return?

My acceptance?

I am waiting for my life to change.

I am waiting for change.

New horizons?

Fresh Beginnings?

Hope.

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

The pain to stop.

The hurt to subside

End.

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

His return?

My acceptance?

Hope.

Dix

BR - Alone in Berlin by Hans Fallada

I picked this book up by chance on a buy 2 get one free offer.(aren't often the best books found this way). I chose it because I liked books based in this period and thought it might be something like The Book Thief, one of my favourite books. I realise I enjoy books based in the second world war.

I was really surprised by this book - firstly it was actually written just after the war, 1947 by a German who had experienced some issues during war time, secondly that it has been translated into English fairly recently (I think).

Don't get me wrong there are places where the story hardly moves at all but the atmospheric is amazing and that keeps it moving alone. It is a very good book - a proper keeper. The main characters are actually based on real people and many of the characters have the reader really hating them even when they come to a sticky end. It is full of people who are hard to like, and some that are hard to understand and some that you try to sympathise with even though you may ask would you be the same

If you are in any way interested in the second world war and want to have an idea of life in Germany for ordinary people - read this. If you just like and interesting historical read - read this - if you are prepared explore history and personalities - read this.

If not - read this anyway - you wont regret it.

Dix

BR - Michael Caine - The Elephant to Hollywood

I actually finished this book some time ago but haven't felt able to blog much recently. Will talk about that soon. I thought it was ok. He came across quite well and I enjoyed bits of the books very much, especially when he was writing about films I knew and liked but other bits were frankly a bit boring. I wouldn't read the book again but if you like Michael Caine this is defo worth a read.

Dix

I am living

I am living on paracetamol
and pain. They're my
constant companions.
Each time I think about the lies
and betrayal,
it hurts so much.


A pain that sits beside
my heart, behind my
chest bone. Inside me.
I find the lies the worst
making it all my fault,
justifying what they have
done.
I cry at thoughts of them,
I cry with temper and
anger at thoughts of her.
I cry when I talk about them
I don't want to talk about them
anymore.
I don't want to talk,
I don't want to think,
I don't want to cry,
I don't want to anymore.

Dix

BR - Bluebeard by Angela Carter

This is a Penguin Mini Modern Classic. An interesting read but not as good as I hoped it would be. It kinda stated the obvious about old classic fairy tales and didn't do anything new. We did an exercise at Uni about rewriting or writing a fairy tale and I was hoping these would be more like this in creating new ideas around old stories.

Anyway quick to read and a bit of fun although I felt it was kinda judgemental and sarcastic (if that is possible) and superior in away that took away the fun and even interestingness of it.

I must admit I have never really liked moral tales that much and this points out the morals and the alternative morals and that just irritated me.

Dix

BR - A Tiny Bit Marvellous by Dawn French

Over the last couple of weeks I have read loads of books (well quite a few) but not blogged my reviews yet so here is one.

I read this book initially whilst I was away with boy and then finished it at home. I did enjoy it but have to say with the change in my life circumstances it didn't seem so good.

I think it is well written and enjoyable. The characters really stand out and parts of it made me laugh. The main female character ended up getting on my nerves though. Maybe she reminded me too much of me. I don't know. But anyway I would recommend this to someone as a summer read - I really would and I think Dawn French can really write (if she did write this of course but I suspect she did). I enjoyed the differences in the characters language and style and found this an interesting way of writing.

I will probably give this to my friend to read (and her daughter maybe) as it was fun if nothing else.

Dix

Strength and Weakness

At the moment I am on this roller coaster ride of pain. One minute I feel strong, I feel like I can do this, that somehow I can make it in the future and everything will be OK. The next I am afraid and weak. I want to see him. I want him to come around and tell me everything is going to be OK because that is what has happened in my life for the last 30 years. I am especially weak when I know he has to visit or I know he is seeing my daughter.

On the good days I feel strong - I feel like I can face everything that is to be thrown at me and in the future I will find happiness and kindness and love.

On the bad days I feel weak and ugly and think that I deserve this, that I was a bad wife, that I am a bad person and that I just can't manage without him. That if I just really promise the earth, if I just tell him how afraid and ugly and bad I am and that it was all my fault he will come back and I will be OK.

The truth is I don't really want him back. I really don't. Sometimes enough is enough. He has hurt me so much. If he had just gone off with some stranger it would have been more bearable but he left with one of my friends. Someone who I had been friends with for a long time. Neither of them give an absolute stuff about me and my feelings. They are selfish and nasty. Neither of them care what they have done to my family.

I know I can't go back because if I did I would not survive. I would lose myself completely. But I also know I hate that he is happy, I hate that they have done this to me, I want them to feel just a bit of the pain that I feel. I want to know that my future is going to be OK and that one day I will find happiness and feel loved in some way. I just want to feel good about myself.

I have already lost a stone in weight and hope this trend will continue. I know that being slimmer will help my confidence and help me feel better about myself. But I also know that my strength needs to come from a much deeper place than this. I know that in order for me to have the future that I need I will have to learn to love myself much more, I will have to be strong and confident and just give it all a go. I will have to take the bad (and I am sure there is going to be lots of bad) and move over it. Get through it.

At the moment I have good friends and my children have just been amazing. I know I can't go on leaning on them as I have but am grateful of the help at the moment.

The truth is it has only been 2 weeks and I shouldn't beat myself up for having these moments of weakness. I should except them and move on. I should not think I am a bad person for sending him a silly text saying I don't know if I can go on alone. Sometimes I will be weak but these moments will get further apart and each day will not start the with the same pain of loneliness and unhappiness. Somewhere alone the line I will find a way for me to survive without the constant pain.

So today I need to except I am only human, that I will make mistakes, that they have really hurt me and that sometimes this will show and that is OK. Some days will be bad and others will be better because I am only human. I really don't deserve what has happened to me and I must stop thinking that I do. Nobody deserves this. I have to give myself the compassion that I would give someone else.

I know some of this is easier said than done but I am gonna try.

Diana

Bad Day

Yesterday I had a bad day. A really bad day. I couldn't stop crying. I was mowing the lawn sobbing. When I spoke to anyone I was crying . I was crying in public. Yesterday I felt so much pain and so much doubts.

Yesterday I felt useless and ugly and hopeless. Yesterday I missed him so bad. I felt that I just couldn't go on without him. That somehow I had to speak to him and make him understand how much pain I am suffering, how much doubt I feel. How so totally alone I am.

The future opened up in front of me like a great big hole that I can only fall into, that I can't control and that will only involve pain and suffering. Yesterday I grieved for 30 years of marriage and a relationship that if not very good was a least something. Yesterday I was a bad 'mum' to Boy and a bad mum to my daughters. Yesterday I was a pretty hopeless person.

I didn't contact him because I knew it would just make me feel worse - not better. I just kept going got through it. I got through yesterday and just hope there are not too many days that bad because I don't know how if I can cope with them. I don't know.

Today I am not going to do this. It will be hard and I will have to use all my strength but today will be better. It has to be. I have to be better for boy and my lovely daughters. I have to be better for me.

So I will breathe, I will tell my mind to stop, I will try to believe in me and hope there really is a future out there for me. I will just go through the next few hours believing in these things. I will start trying to love myself, something I haven't done for a long, long, time.

I hope I have the strength.

Dix

Keeping busy but...

There were times yesterday when I didn't hurt so bad. I kept busy, really, really, busy. I chopped wood and gardened and the front of the house looks a bit better. A long way to go but at least I now know it is do-able.

I was knackered. Actually sat in the chair and fell asleep. Another good thing really as I haven't slept like that for over a week and it felt OK to sleep because I was tired. But the trouble is as soon as I stop, as soon as I have a moment all the terrible thoughts just come back and I am eaten up by the pain and the anger.

I don't want to be but I can't stop my mind. I woke up the morning after a pretty good nights sleep and realise I was dreaming about her, about telling her what I thought, about telling her just how much pain she had inflicted on me. And it was awful. I don't want this to happen but it happens anyway.

Then I get up and I feel the physical pain inside. It is like grief and I guess I am suffering grief. A pain of loss. Yesterday I thought about the feelings I have for him. Guess I do still love him (or maybe it is just care for him a little bit). But we had 30 years together and even though he doesn't thinks so - most of the time it was good. We were friends, he was my support. We had good loving sex and were together. Now I don't have that anymore. He told me it is over and that is that but I just can't get to that point yet. I will I know I will but for me it is going to take a lot longer that just a week.

I realise that I shouldn't beat myself up about this. 30 years to a week - nothing. I realise it is OK to be frightened, even though things were bad he was still about, I still depended on him for a lot. These are the things I have to get used to. I can't ask him about cooking, I can't ask him to help with Boy, I can't talk to him about my beautiful girls. These things I can't do anymore. Yesterday I nearly texted him about where something was. I didn't. I get it - I can't anymore. And all day in my head I kept thinking about reasons to text him. I didn't. Instead I asked myself why I wanted to do this. And I guess the answer is above.

In my mind I know things will eventually get better for me (even though I suspect they will get worse first before they get better). In my mind I know that learning to be strong and independent will be a really good thing for me. In my mind I hope that one day I can find someone new and be loved again. Even if it is not a permanent thing. In my mind I hope I can bring up Boy on my own and do a good job. But at the moment my mind is also racing full of all the pain and suffering and the hurt. So there is a lot of competition in there.

And that competition is not always such a good thing.

Dix

I was doing OK

I was doing ok. I was trying to be strong and making it happen. I was starting to feel good about myself which is something I haven't felt for along, long time. I felt strong (ish) and that I could cope with the day to day and make plans for the future. Even if they don't work out it felt like a framework, something to make me feel safe ish.

Then I saw him again - my ex husband, that is what I am calling him just because I don't know what to call him. I can't talk about us or we anymore either. He took out boy and they had a good time and he was kind (something he hadn't been for a long time).

But I came home to him being here and I just felt all the pain and all the hurt and all the anger. And I saw his body language and I saw him ignore me and look at me in that way. I have been thrown away by him like a piece of rubbish and it is awful.

So even though I tried really hard I went into that nasty person. The nasty person who just needs to tell how much I hate her - she was my friend and has totally stabbed my in the back and I call her names and he told me not to because they are together. I get that they are together. I get that it is over. In some ways I am so glad that he has gone - that just maybe I can find out who I am and be better and stronger and believe in myself. But he doesn't get the absolute pain that has been inflicted. In his mind it has been a week (yeah a whole week) and I should just move on and forget it. Be done with it. We have been married 30 years but in one week it is over. Done. We had been friends for 26 years but I should forget, I shouldn't feel any pain, I shouldn't feel betrayed because that is just me being unreasonable, that is just me being horrible and nagging.

And just for a moment there I fell for it. I felt bad for being who I was, I felt bad for feeling what I feel. I cried and swore and felt right back to point one - alone, useless, ugly, unloved and unlovable.

You know what - fuck him and fuck her. It is not me and what I feel is not unreasonable. Just because he has moved on in one week maybe I go a bit deeper than that. Maybe I need time to readjust, find a way through, work it all out. I have a right to be hurt, to be angry, to feel this terrible pain and to show it. I have that right - he doesn't have the right to make me feel it is my fault for feeling like that.

But I have to keep moving forward - I have to come out of this stronger, confident and alive. I have to - for myself and for boy.

I rang him after he left - I don't want to see him for a while - I need the space to not feel that pain all the time. I may always feel like it - who knows but I don't want to come out of this bitter and angry all the time. I know I have to deal with the loneliness but I don't have to make myself all chewed up inside. I don't have to put up with him making me feel like that.

I need closure with her - I need to write a letter to tell her how I feel - I need that and I don't give a stuff about what it does to her. Somehow I have to find a way to get that letter to her because I need it for me.

I am not sure if I can get through this - I am not sure if I can survive - I know I have so much more to content with and that each day will be harder but I have to try. I just have to do what is right for me and what will make me strong.

Of course, not seeing him is exactly what he wants - out of sight out of mind but really I have to put that aside and forget it. I have to be strong for me and my boy. I just have to.

Betrayed and Alone

I have been unable to blog for a while. I have been unable to sleep, unable to eat and really am struggling to function as a person. You see my husband has run off and left me. That is bad but in a way I think our marriage was over a long time ago - too many lies, no real trust but worst of all no energy to even keep fighting.

The thing is he has gone off with one of my best friends. Anybody who knows me would know that friends are really important to me. I have always trusted my friends or just not been their friend. We have been friends for over 26 years. We went on holiday together, the four of us, couples enjoying our time together, and our children grew up like family.

I feel so betrayed. He left by sending me a text message - 30 years and all I got was a text message. What? But most of all I can't get my head around how she did this to me. I never thought she would. I thought we were friends. I thought I could trust her. I couldn't. Can I trust anyone ever again?

I can't sleep - I am having trouble being with myself because I am not sure how I feel about that. I am so angry, so hurt. I have so much to deal with and have to keep strong for boy - have to keep strong for my girls. But really I just want to curl up. I want to turn off my head - just for a while and make it all go away. I want to have company and love. I want someone to just make me feel special. I know that they are cosying up and having a great time and I am alone.

It is not that I want him back - I don't - enough is enough but just for a minute I wish I had someone to make me feel better. To make me feel loved.

I know I have to get past this. I know I can find the value in myself and realise that I am lovable and that I am beautiful in my own way but for a long time I have felt ugly and valueless and it is going to be hard to get over this.

I know I shouldn't ask but anyone out there reading my blog please pray for me (or whatever faith or hope you have) and help me find the strength to sleep, to feel good, to keep going and to love again. I know it is a lot to ask but any help would be just great at the moment.


Sorry for asking but I just need help to find a way forward.

Dix

A Weekend Summer School

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend a local university summer school with Boy. I have to admit as the time got nearer I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. I was worried about not fitting in; that it would be lots of big headed parents and that Boy would be out of his depth. How wrong could I be?

We had a fantastic time - in fact he quickly established himself and went off with the other children and got on with the workshops and activities. It was very tiring and very stimulating and very optimistic and everything, and much more, that I hoped it would be.

It made me understand that he copes well at school, that he does OK and that his social skills are just fine. Yeah maybe he doesn't have lots of close friends but that is OK with him so it is OK with me.

I was really tired when we came back on Sunday but also very elated, it has given us both a boost and that is good.

I have a job interview on Thursday and that is just what I needed to help me be more confident and more convinced of my ability to succeed.

A great time; a great summer school; a positive experience. Just what we needed.

Dix

WATER

I recently attended a summer school and attended a lecture about water problems in Kenya. I am sorry to say it was a tad boring and I found myself trying to stay awake and stay interested . So I began making notes that could be turned into something creative. This is what I was left with. Not sure if it is a poem or anything really - probably just a outpouring of a mind trying to stay focused.

WATER

Queue water,
Introduction water,
Community water.
Water from the tap,
Tap water,
Water from the shower,
Water for the shower,

Culture of water,
Time spent; time spent for water,
Time for water,
Tribes for water; water tribes,
Water transfer,
Water treatment,
Water pipe; piped water,
Water connection,
Transmit water; water transmission,
Water security,
Kenya water; Kenyan water,
Water pollution; polluted water,
Consumable water,
Water conflicts, conflicts of water,
Fetching water,
Irrigation, irrigate,
Well; water wells,
Rationed water; water ration,
Water charge, pay for water,
Water payments,
Water solutions; solutions to water,
Nomad water; travelling like water,
Following the rain,
Following the wetness;
Travelling water,
Certified water; water certificate,
Private water,
Managed water,
Government water,
Local water,
Provided water; water providers,
Conflict water, water conflict;
Water permits; permitted water,
Community water projects,
Failed water projects,
Failed water,
Benefits of water,
Water donors,
Waters fails,
Donors fail,
Oil like water,
Oil and water resource,
Water resource,
Female water,
Water for the girls,
Water by the girls,
Carried, collected, kept,
Harvested, owned?
Water for women,
Women’s water.
Dammed water; water dammed,
Dammed by the water,
Dam the water,
Dam water,
Coloured water,
Blue, green, black, brown,
Muddy, clear, murky, slimy,
Cold, hot, cool, warm,
Wet,
Wet water,
Dry water,
Live water,
Dead water,
Drowned.
Thirst quenching water,
Water for life,
Alive water,
Awake water,
Help water,
Rehydrating water,
WATER.
Laughing water; crying water,
Helping water; fun water,
Water, water, water
WATER.
Water to live; water for life,
WATER
Vegetable water; soup water,
Hot water,
Tea, coffee, and water,
Water economy,
Economy of water,
Money water
WATER.

Dix

Affirmation

Affirmation by Savage Garden

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument

I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands

I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you

I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do

I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem

I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality

I believe that trust is more important than monogamy

I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul

I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair

I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness

I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed

I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists

I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I have recently been listening to this album. In our house we call it Sandwich Garden after my friends young son got it wrong. I love this track and I love these lyrics. Mainly I agree with them.

Haven't worked out how to publish from YouTube but here is the link in anyone wants to have a listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPjnWympFbI

Dix

BR - No! I Don't Want to Join a Bookclub by Virginia Ironside

I brought this book from a second hand book shop just because I like the title (and the cover) and took it to London with me because it look a light read and was easy to carry.

I absolutely loved it. It made me laugh out loud - and not many books make me do that. Some of the comments were just really funny. I do except that perhaps you have to be a certain age to see the humour but I am coming up to (or already at) that certain age so it hit home.

It was funny and sad and sometimes when she is worrying about her lodger and worrying about her family and especially her grandson I really get it. It is so easy to be anxious over nothing and something that is rarely portrayed in novels.

I loved the main character, I like the other characters. I liked the plot is was easy to follow and kept moving. I like books that are written in diary form (it almost feels that you are reading someone private thoughts) and I just wanted to keep reading.

This is not an earth shattering, life changing novel. It is not high brow but it is fun and written for adults and well written and has a beginning, a middle and an end. I would recommend it to people and would have been glad if someone had recommended it to me.

If you get the chance (and I must say probably if you are female of at least 40+) read and enjoy. It is definitely worth it.

Dix

London bloody London

This weekend I went to London to see Take That. This blog is not about the concert (another blog entry I think). This blog is about travelling around London. Now I would be the first to admit that I am not well travelled, I am not very experienced at travelling or very confident. I usually drive and as long as I either know where I am going or have a confident navigator beside me I am absolutely fine.

This weekend I went to London by train. The train from Norwich was fine - I travelled first class, something I had never done before and enjoyed the luxury of a reserved seat and the train being on time and not very full.

When I got to London my friend JC was meeting me to get me across the underground, something I wasn't sure I could do alone. Now I know I probably couldn't have done it alone. Everywhere was so busy and so hot and so crowded and so bloody unfriendly. Trouble is I am by nature a people watcher, I can't help it. I have always enjoyed watching people and enjoy making us little stories about them in my head. Maybe that's the writer in me. On the London underground looking at someone feels like a terrible crime. People don't look at each other, they don't register each other. Most are wired in to some electrical devise, or reading and others just look up or down but not at each other - oh no, not at each other.

The journey back from Wembley on the Saturday night was the worst - it was so hot and so full of people and stupidly I thought that we would all still be singing Take That and living on the high of yet another excellent concert. But not silence, no eye contact, misery. Hundreds of people packed in like sardines, lots of body odour and wind and big fat arses (and thats coming from me). We had quite a long journey to get back to our hotel. I felt very sick from the smells and the heat and the jerky train. I felt very sick indeed. Getting off that train was like leaving the dentist on your worst possible visit - something you had to endure and hold your breathe and get through.

I sat in my seat imagining my favourite place, walking on the beach with my dog, breathing in the beautiful sea air, looking across the endless blue sea, watching the sun reflect off the sand dunes in the distance, seeing the fluffy clouds race across the blue sky and feeling the light spray from the sea caress my face. I even remember thinking that even the wettest, coldest, windiest day on the beach was a hundred times better that sitting on this bloody awful train with strangers.

I am glad I went. I am glad I got through it all but have to say I can't understand why anyone would want to do this day in, day out and how lucky I am to live in my space, near the sea, with beautiful clear, clean air.

I hate my job

I know in this financial climate that I should be really thankful that I have a job and in some ways I am. But I am so stuck in a rut. I work relief which is supposed to work that I can pick and chose when I work but the down side is sometimes there is no work. But what it really means is that you are supposed to be available to them whenever they want, up to and including 24 hours a day and then they can just stop using you for no reason what so ever and never give you a reason. Yesterday a member of staff told me that I was 'letting the side' down because I don't want to work 24 hours days (and can't really as I am a foster parent) and that I don't care about the clients or my fellow members of staff.

Perhaps she is right - I don't know. All I know is I have been put on so many times that it is hard to care all the time, sometimes I just want to work and have a life at home and for the balance to be good. Not this crap I am getting.

So I am trying to get another job - desperately applying for lots of school jobs that would provide me with a slightly better income and a reliable structure with time off with boy during the holidays. Trouble is I don't think I am going to get one of these jobs which probably means I never will. I have applied for loads (although not as many as I should as my enthusiasm is really waining) and only had one interview. So what am I doing wrong. Probably not filling in my applications right, not the right experience, don't know the right people etc, etc.

But the truth is I can't keep going as I am. So I am going to have to apply for other care jobs but am so afraid it will be just more of the same. They expect you to do long shifts with sleep ins, they expect you to drop everything for the client but expect to give nothing back. This month I am missing wages again, for the second month running, but have to wait yet another month to catch up.

I so wish I didn't have to work - I know that this is unreasonable and financially impossible but I also know that the worst stress in my life is caused by work.

Wish I believed I could get another job.

Dix

Hot

Now don't get me wrong I love the hot weather. It makes me feel good and it makes people happy. Sunshine makes people nicer to each other. I love nothing better than being outside basking in the sun (yeah bit like a whale!!!) and feeling how wonderful life is.

But last night it was just too bloody hot. I had the fan on most of the day and all night in the bedroom and it was still boiling. Trouble is I live in a chalet bungalow and the only room upstairs is our bedroom. It sits under a very dark roof and has only one window - this is not good for circulating the air. Sometimes I don't even mind it being really hot upstairs - I just lie there and enjoy the heat but something about yesterday was different. It was very close and hot. This just made it impossible to sleep; impossible to get comfortable.

I was aware of how much I was sweating (it was uncomfortable) and how much him lying next to me sweating - it was unpleasant. At some stage I should have just got up. I thought about chucking my tent up in the garden and sleeping out there. I should have done. Instead I lay there unable to sleep properly and then having some dreadful nightmare that made no sense and didn't seem to come to a conclusion.

I have two craps nights sleep now so I bet by tomorrow I will begin to feel awful and I have a busy weekend ahead.

Ah well, I better have a little afternoon nap - that always seems to help and feels like a naughty treat.

Dix

BR - Farewell, My Lovely by Raymond Chandler

I have always wanted to read a Raymond Chandler book but for some reason, really unknown to me, I didn't want to buy a new copy. So I have trawled the second hand shops looking for a copy of anything really.

At uni we did read some extracts and a short story and this is what got me interested and lodged the idea in the back of my head.

It is not that this is a brilliant book, in fact there were times when I struggled to keep up with the story (this may have been because I mainly read it when I was tired and just about to drop off to sleep - a couple of times I fell asleep with it glued to me face!) but there is definitely something about the way he writes that is well just amazing. It is hard to think that this was written so long ago - published 1969 - and although it did seem old in some ways, obviously short of technology and such like but even so certain paragraphs, certain sentences, places where he has put words together in such a way as to take my breathe away. Sometimes he just writes so well, so beautifully that nothing else matters.

I am glad I have read a Raymond Chandler at last. I will surely read another some day. I particularly want to read The Big Sleep and or any short stories if they exist. Sometimes it is just so awe inspiring to read words so beautifully written, they catch at me with almost lust and desire. Such beauty that I feel that I can never hope to reach. But it is good to try.

If you have never read one, read a Raymond Chandler - put it on your bucket list as a to do.

Dix

BR - The comforts of Madness by Paul Sayer

This book was lent to me by a friend and to be honest I was immediately attracted by the title. I have read a few books on the subject of madness and have found them interesting, thought provoking, sad or sometimes just not very good.

I sat outside in my summer house yesterday and read this book in one sitting. It is only 130ish pages long but it is still a long time since I have read a book in one sitting. I so enjoyed having the time and concentration to do this and was glad that the book held me to enable me to keep going. I felt very relaxed and chilled afterwards.

The book itself is very dark. The main character Peter is caught inside himself and is unable to escape. Many of his carers feel he is putting on, that he is able to break free but it soon becomes clear that he can't, that maybe he doesn't want to. The descriptions of him, both physically and mentally seemed very clear. I understood who he was and maybe even why he was. As he becomes more and more rigid and bent in his body somehow is mind becomes clearer (or so it appears to the reader who can see inside his head).

The ending is not upbeat - yet somehow it is not sad - somehow it feels inevitable and possibly kind. It is not a fun book, it has aspects that should make the reader explore their ideas of humanity, of madness, of what makes us.

The process of reading it for me was wonderful - a quiet, almost stolen couple of hours that reset my inner clock to a better calmness.

I think I would recommend this book to you - but in the proviso that you read it quickly (in one or two sittings only) because I think this is the only way you can get inside Peter's skin and understand his mind, understand his madness.

I'm not OK ... by Natasha Josefowitz

I'm Not OK, You're Not OK, but That's OK by Natasha Josefowitz

I have done bad things in my life
have had bad thoughts
I am not always kind
nor always generous
I have placed myself first
I have lied, cheated,
I have acted out of passion
which has hurt others.
I have been inconsiderate
punishing, even vengeful
and I have felt guilty
tried to make amends
tried to atone
made New Year's resolutions
about becoming better.

I know some very similar things about you.

So I'm not OK
and you're not OK:
but that's OK.

Something about this poem means so much to me. It's how I feel and I suspect how others feel to. We are not perfect although we try (I think lots of people try to be better and good - I am an eternal optimist and hopeful for mankind) but somehow we don't manage it and I guess this poem says 'that's OK'.

Dix

Pursuit - a poem by Stephen Dobyns

Each thing I do I rush through so I can do
something else. In such a way do the days pass –
a blend of stock car racing and the never
ending building of a gothic cathedral.
Through the windows of my speeding car, I see
all that I love falling away: books unread,
jokes untold, landscapes unvisited. And why?
What treasure do I expect in my future?
Rather it is the confusion of childhood
loping behind me, the chaos in the mind,
the failure chipping away at each success.
Glancing over my shoulder I see its shape
and so move forward, as someone in the woods
at night might hear the sound of approaching feet
and stop to listen, then, instead of silence
he hears some creature trying to be silent.
What else can he do but run? Rushing blindly
down the path, stumbling, struck in the face by sticks;
the other ever closer, yet not really
hurrying or out of breath, teasing its kill.


Poem, from "Cemetery Nights"

I 'borrowed or found' this on one of the blogs I follow (thanks Roses). It resonated with me and had touch me, made me think about how I live my life. It reads aloud so beautifully. I don't know who this man is but I feel what he is saying.

Hope you enjoy.

Dix

On attraction

I realise that this blog is going to make some people go oowghgwgh.... but it it time to say. I find Chris Evans really attractive and always have. I remember the first time I saw him on TV; it was probably the Breakfast show that he did and thinking 'oh he's nice' and then thinking 'oh I shouldn't be thinking that.' I know he has ginger hair and this is not a thing that normally does it for me (although sometimes it looks strawberry blonde and that's OK) and I know he reminds me of someone and that is definitely not a good thing.

I watch him on The One Show and I am becoming obsessed with his hands. He has small hands, hands that have probably never done a hard days work physically, small and slim but still manly. I just find them fascinating, I can't stop watching them and I know I would really like them to touch me. Now before everyone thinks this is some real pervy sexual thing I think I would be happy just to meet him and shake hands (see get that out of your mind). I also love his smile - its a little wonky and strange and happy and sad, if you get what I mean.

I know he dyes his hair, he says so on screen. Normally this would probably put me off somewhat but then he is a celebrity and I dye my hair so why shouldn't he. He has got a good sense of humour though and he always seems very alive, alert, and outgoing. I like that. He tries to keep that sour faced Welsh girl laughing (although she will never have a sense of humour).

I hope he is kind - this is always my biggest thought about someone famous. I would like to read his book but don't want to end up not liking him. I read the Paul O'Grady book and thought he was an absolutely horrible person - it has just put me right off him. My daughter told me last night (I didn't tell her about my attraction we were just talking about him) that Chris used to be married to that awful 'dog chopped' presenter of 'Loose Women' when he was young - I find her annoying, in fact annoying odd, so that could be a bad sign. But he was young. He was also married to Billy Piper but she has always come across as OK and he still talks about her with real affection.

So all I do is snuggle in front of the TV on Friday tea times and sit and watch Chris Evans on The One Show and think about his hands, think about how he looks like someone I once liked and think about how I once was a person who might have wanted to shake his hand.

Sad, I know, sad but kinda nice.


Dix

Ps I am attracted to Chris Evans but lets get this straight - he ain't no Richard Hammond.

Found Writings

I have just finished my notebook - the one I carry with me in my handbag and write down my thoughts, ideas and general info. This is a selection of those writings. Sorry - some may have been blogged before - some may not.

Cold Hard Cash

Why do the say 'cold hard cash?'

But not frozen solid money.

Yeah, cash is cold

but hard, maybe.

Hard to get.

Hard to keep.

Hard to touch? - Never.

Written 10/05/10 by Dix

The Financial Times

In times of credit crunch

and financial crashes,

unimaginable cash losses

and smashes,

futures are about gradualism,

time waiting and realism.

Written June 10 by Dix

Store

My grandmother-in-law

(if that makes sense),

liked to store food goods

just in case.

It's a habit she developed

during the war

and found hard to break.

Written 17/06/10 by Dix

Recycling Bags

Recycling bags

can't be stored -

they deteriorate

in the cupboard.

Recycling bags can't

be recycled

indefinitely.

Written June 2010 by Dix

Waiting Room

Sitting in the Doctor's waiting room listening to the banal local radio station mumbling in the background; not making eye contact with anyone. The ceaseless noise is interrupted by the ping pong of the intercom followed by a muffled voice calling out a name that nobody can hear and all wonder if it sounds like them.

The potential patients make their first eye contact, looking to see who owns the fluffed sounds. Eventually after much eye searching, it repeats and someone stands, hopefully, making their way through to door 1, 2 or 3.

They soon return, at the joy of those assembled waiting, clutching their green and white paper, wondering if they have the right diagnose; if they got the right prescription; if they spoke quickly enough or clearly enough to say what they needed in their allotted 5 minutes.

They leave the waiting room purposefully to complete the last part of the task. To dutifully queue at the Chemist and pay for their boxed or bottled prizes.

Dix

On Worry

I have always realised I am a terrible worrier. But I have never been sure if it is something I have developed or something I inherited. I know both my parents were a bit anxious (sometimes) but was never aware of them being over anxious and worried when I was a child.

I want everything to go well; for me and those around me. I want to feel like I am achieving; that I am making a difference at work and at home. And yet I know this is silly really. Why does this have to be - it is OK to just muddle along and be. It is OK to just work, pay the bills and have a good time. It is OK to sometimes be angry or ill or unhappy as long as you are happy and contented and well most of the time. I know these things.

At the moment I have a pain - in my side sort of tummy area (and that is how good I would be describing it to a doctor). It is niggly at the moment, making me stiff and catching my breath. Lets be honest it could be just a little bit of wind (it could also be a side effect of taking the Acia berry), but last night I layed in bed and proper fretted over it. In my mind it was something really bad and I would have to go into hospital and have an operation etc etc. So instead of having a good nights sleep I worried about something and nothing. And this morning I still have the pain, although it is bearable just annoying and nothing has happened and probably tomorrow it will be gone as quickly as it has arrived.

It is like I need something to worry about. I really don't - I have enough real problems that should be enough for me. Sometimes I wonder if I just have a drama queen personality or that I just can't stop worrying about stuff.

I would so love to have a worry free day - just relaxing doing whatever I want and not worrying about anything. Wouldn't that be great. Am I capable of it - probably not but it would be great to give it a go (with out the use of drugs or alcohol or anything else), just let my mind relax and forget it all.

I think it is something I should work towards - don't you.

Dix

On juggling

I am 50 years old and trying to manage a home; a 13 year old Kinship Foster Child; numerous money issues; tiredness and work. Trouble is I am not always managing it.

Yesterday was a perfect example of this problem. I was due to work all day yesterday (Sunday), not something I would have normally chosen to do as the weekend is always a nightmare. But we are short staffed and I thought I could manage it. And sometimes I can. Trouble is we have just had a change of staffing and the previous manager got completely mixed up when I told her which days I am available and which I am not. My hubbie has every other weekend off, but not this weekend and instead of putting me on his weekend offs, she put me the wrong way around.

So I have to get a baby sitter. This is difficult at the best of times but sometimes nearly impossible. Yesterday was all sorted. My daughter was happy to come and sit with Boy. Don't know she had much planned but anyway all was safe and happy. What happened to make the plan go wrong? Her mother-in-law was rushed in to hospital with a suspected stroke (second one) and she had to go to the hospital with her partner - he needed her support and I totally understand this. Trouble was the phone call came through 1 hour and 15 mins before I had to got to work.

What can I do? I rang the couple of other people who sometimes help out. One was away and the other I couldn't contact. Oh dear. Panic, panic, panic. I sat and thought about. I know that I have to stay with Boy. He is and will always be my first priority. So I ring work and get a not so nice reception. I can understand why but it doesn't help.

So where am I now. Well I am an unreliable worker and will probably lose my job (it is only relief and I am very replaceable). I can't get another job because I flag up as reliable. I need the money from working, if only part-time, it pays lots of bills. I need to be a good reliable foster carer, parent, mother figure; wife; home keeper; finance manager; budgeter; and all round perfect person.

Yesterday I failed on all fronts. And what did it make me feel like - well pretty lousy really.

And how did Boy react - not 'Oh great we have the day together to so stuff' - No - instead 'Oh will there be enough money to go on holiday now?'

I almost feel like I am too old to be doing this stuff - like I am trying the juggling but every day something hits the deck.

No work today - thank god - just a day to relax and take time to do for me - stuff the housework, stuff the money management - I am blogging, watching daytime soaps and meeting a mate for coffee.

I am juggling for me.

Dix

On Tiredness

The trouble is I am often tired - I mean really tired. So tired it is hard to do anything. When it hits me in the evening sometimes I can literally do nothing but go to sleep.

Work makes me incredibly tired. Even though I only do shortish shifts - sometimes I am absolutely exhausted. I sit down and that is it - almost like I just can't do anything else but sit and sleep.

I don't think this is normal - some people seem to be able to fit huge amounts into their days. They work and socialise and garden and still seem to get up early and stay up late. I can get up early, although I can never just wake up and get up. It always takes me at least half an hour of turning off the snooze on my mobile phone before I am able to get out of bed. Sometimes longer. I am never firing on all cylinders first thing either. I used to be able to stay up late, be awake and alert at all hours and full of life. I realise that my weight and stress has not helped in this and know that if I eat a better diet I always feel better but even so most days I could sleep 10 hours and still feel tired.

I don't sleep 10 hours - mostly I sleep 7 or 8 - but even so much of the evening is spent just chillin' out and getting nothing done.

I am 50 now, I manage to walk the dog every day for at least an hour (so that is good and it certainly keeps me sane), sometimes I cycle long distances with boy (15 miles plus), I try to walk instead of parking close by, swim when I can afford it and love being outside. These are all good things - I know they are and I feel proud of them.

But just sometimes I am so tired my body is screaming inside that I must lie down and go to sleep. I literally must. I am able to overcome this sometimes by just standing up and walking around but I always pay the cost for this - lots of aches and pains and then can't sleep when I need to.

Is this just old age? Is this about being overweight? Is it about stress? Or is it just me?

Dix

What ....

Today I had a really strange and annoying experience. Life at work is odd and sometimes difficult anyway so anything that makes it more difficult than it needs just makes life well... what?

I work with a women who I am having difficulty getting on with - we just don't sign from the same hymn sheet. She seems to cause confusion whenever she comes in - especially when I am there.

Today I asked her a simple question - 'Are you using the van all day tomorrow?' I didn't think it was a contentious question, I couldn't understand why it turned into one. Simple question - simple answer Yes or No. But no this is not what happened. Instead a surreal conversation that then involved the Service User I work with and then went into complete overload.

The outcome - the answer was Yes she has got the bus all day. But I was made to feel like I had done something wrong, which I hadn't, and realise it is just another nail in the coffin which means I wont get kept on as relief.

Thanks Pal ------for nothing.

Dix

Oh so sad....... probably

I am beginning to wonder if I am a really sad person. Why? Well I expect some could find lots of reasons but today I am talking about Christmas. The thing is I really like Christmas. It is not that I am some altruistic hero or something but I love looking for and finding presents that I think are just right for people. I love it when people truly like what I give them or I visit their homes and find my present in pride of place. My friend H, told me that the paintings I got her for her Christmas and birthday are some of her most prized possessions. I loved that.

So already, and it is only the beginning of of June, I am amassing, for it feels like amassing, Christmas presents. Most weeks I find something, some little bit from the pound shop or a painting on ebay or just some little thing anywhere. Rummaging around for Christmas presents. Often these things are original, cheap or reduced but all are chosen with an individual in mind. When I buy them they make me smile; or think of my family or friends; sometimes they just seem perfect.

I have them all in a big box at the top of the stairs. I try to write things down as I get them but usually fail at this task. So spend a quiet half hour, every so often, sorting through them, remembering the emotion of buying them and listing them (in the vague hope that I won't buy too much for one person and not enough for another). I hate buying last minute. Or even worse buying the same thing twice -I have managed that in the past.

Am I sad for this? Maybe. Have I got the spirit of Christmas, if somewhat materialistic - not sure. Will I continue to do this? Yeah, I expect so, when finances allow.

I guess I will never change. Christmas is just my thing. I love decorating madly with lots of colour and sparkle. I hate 'designer Christmas' - colours, themes bla, bla, bla.

So am I sad? You tell me.


Dix

About bonfires

Now I have always thought of my self as a fairly tolerant neighbour (others may tell you different) and just want every one to 'live and let live'. I know I am noisy sometimes and sometimes just want to be left alone to have a quiet life.

This morning I decided to have a lie in (don't worry I get to the bonfire bit soon). I love nothing more than relaxing in bed and listening to the birds and others getting on with their lives. It was 8 am and I knew I needed to get up but just thought, hey a few minutes longer.

Then the smell began, just a slight whiff at first, then it got stronger and stronger - a bloody bonfire. Well my first thought is always has a house or car caught alight - one of my neighbours did once have a garage go up in the middle of the night with lots of huge bangs where the gas tanks went up. But the smell got stronger and the air outside the window became dense with smog like smoke. Ah yes I know, the new house being built on the corner - the builders are burning stuff.

Trouble is the house next door to me has just had a huge extension and the builders did lots of burning then. And they always seem to light a fire when I have washing out, or are just about to put washing out and the day before has been drizzly and wet so I couldn't get anything dry. So I jumped out of bed, most unusual for me, and had to shut the bedroom window (something I hate doing in the summer) then came down the stairs mumbling about bonfires and bloody builders and having to shut the back door.

The smell has gone down somewhat, it is now mid morning. I have washing out just because I don't really have anywhere else to put it and I hate using the tumble dryer unless I have to. But the air still feels well, polluted and I hate it.

I love living near the sea because the air is so wonderful. It smells clean and full of sea air (if you know what I mean) and not full of car fumes and bonfires. I wonder about asking the builders to have fires later in the day but think this might make me look like an interfering neighbour (which from this blog I probably am), but also think well, it might be better to say what I feel as the solution might not bother them so much. Oh god I am running on but you see what I mean.

So I guess what I am saying is I hate bonfire smoke in the summer and am too 'lily livered' to do anything about it.

Dix