Nun's Wooden Leg

The tree grows straight up but leaning towards the sun. It has not grown thick but long reaching out through the walls and pushing past the 'long gone roof' of the disused church. No foliage, no leaves, just bare, barren branches weaving around themselves into the sky. The sun rays through them leaving shafts onto the mud floor but somehow it never feels light; it never feels warm here. The walls bear no plaques, no names, no memories of past parishioners - just bricks and stones still standing in defiance against a world that has long forgotten them. Arches and doorways still bent in beautiful curves with stones borders but no doors or windows remain to prop them there.

In the Nave some smoothness remains on the walls, darkened by damp and age and covered in painted graffiti explaining of Kim 4 Ben who once were here and now long gone only their names and love statement remaining. Its cold in the covered area and darkly dim, feeling uncomfortable - not a place to stay a while.

The tree growing out has a story. It is reputed to be the wooden leg of a Nun who was slaughtered at that very spot. Her body and leg left to rot and grow into this tree. The church destroyed along with her body leaving her spirit and soul to grow forever sky ward.

Dix

MInd Haiku

Mind Fear

Forgotten words;
muddled memories and fear
of loosing my mind.



Hack my Brain

Of all the things
I miss – I miss my mind the
most. I miss it now.


Dix

Haiku Again

This picture made me laugh - and I think explains why Haiku's can be hard.

Debt

Irresponsible

spending by plastic; crash is

inevitable.

Regression
iv>

Galaxy counters,

Spangles, Marathon, Opal

Fruits. All gone too soon.

I know, I know back to food again and I also know that both Marathon and Opal Fruits are still about but have just been renamed but they are not the same and they don't hold the same memories (if you know what I mean).

Dix

BR - The Man Who Disappeared by Clare Morrall

This book was an impulse by from Waterstones on the buy 2 get one free offer but I really enjoyed it. It was well written and explored the storyline of a woman who is left with nothing when her husband just disappears after being implicated in a money laundering operation. It is interesting that he is always about - the author shows what is happening to him and what he is thinking but mainly the story focuses on the wife and her children.

I think she shows so well how children can be effected by their parents, how hard it is to avoid the press and the reality of going from well off to poor. I think she showed the anger, upset and just abject fear but I also think somehow in places it does quite work.

As the reader is always aware of the husband there is the feeling he will come back, and he does. There is always the feeling, even at her lowest point that she will get her MA and things will get a whole lot better, that there is an end to it. Whereas reality for some people is there would be no way back out of the hole he has created.

I generally liked the book, enjoyed and would definitely read others of her work. I would recommend it, if you are looking for something better than a holiday novel this is definitely worth a go.

Dix

21.20 to 21.50

There is something about the time 9.20 to 9.50 pm that makes me space out. Don't ask me why but during those times I just don't seem to be able to function.

I always have a really low point around 3 pm but at least I can stay awake and keep going but in the evening I just seems to phase out. Whether I am on the phone or watching TV or even out I always struggle at this time.

I watch TV programs and tend to fall asleep and then wake up 10 minutes before the end and wonder what the hell is going on. If I am out I find myself sitting quietly and willing myself to stay engaged with other people but if I am on the phone it is worse.

Last night I was on the phone to JC (she has just got an amazing essay result which is just brilliant) I love talking to JC and we often don't keep in touch enough. We were chatting but I could feel myself really struggling to stay focused, to stay on the conversation. But why? I was really interested, really wanted to speak to her but it just couldn't.

And I hate it. People must think I am being really rude. That I am not interested in what they are saying but it couldn't be further from the truth it is just that I have developed this trait - this time when I can't function properly and I can't seem to get out of it. Guess I ought to try and really make an effort to keep myself going at that time - stand up and walk about, that kinda thing.

I am out tonight - darts - and I am going to monitor the time and make sure I stay focused at that time, even if I have to slap myself.

So just to say - to friends and anyone who speaks to me between 9.20 and 9.50 I am so sorry and slap me or call me names if I phase out on you. It is rude and it isn't ok. I wouldn't except it so neither should you.

Dix

More Haiku

The first one is a re write (well I added a little cos I got my syllables wrong) - Thanks JC although I suspect there will be more.


Ice cream

Great glorious
mouthfuls of creamy luscious
Cold. Lick, lick, lick. Hmmm.....


Chocolate

Sensual oblong
cool, unsatisfying
object of desire.


Deprivation

It's so weird -
visualising bed; craving
sleep and dreams.



Bob's Philosophy

Bob said "Born to
be slapped and scream; die
screaming silently."



I don't know - are they better - maybe better meanings. Hope you enjoy and JC I don't mind if you check syllables and let me know.

dix

Attempts at Haiku

Writing Haiku for me, is really just about trying to be creative - trying to get something happening with my writing, however small - much like blogging really - I am writing of a sorts and something may just come out of it.

I brought my friend JC a present for Christmas called Haikubes, little cubes of words and themes to inspire Haiku. My daughter brought me the same set so that we could play together over the long distance that divides us at the moment.

This week I sent her 20 random words chosen taken from the shaken up cubes and we both produced some work. But for me, not without issues. I thought it would be fairly easy to follow the 5,7,5 rule but sometimes syllables are quite hard to work out even though I repeat the words over and over and still couldn't be sure that I had got it right. I really enjoyed the process and am really glad to be creating something however poor.

At the moment I am trying to persuade JC to post hers as well, not only on her blog but on our creative blog Cherry Picker as well. We'll see but I will keep on trying. Anyway here is my attempts.

Smelly Dog

The anal glands
on my dog’s bottom squeezed
of smelly pus. Ouch!

Sleep Wars

Hmmm .., alternative
places swim right by me:

as sleep evades.

Giant Visions

Lots of glorious
glancing giants just because
I consume blue gin.

Ice cream

Great glorious
mouthfuls of creamy
Cold. Lick, lick, lick. Hmmm.....

I have changed the punctuation a bit, not sure it if is right but worth messing about with. I have enjoyed the process and will try more.

Might see if I can make my Bob words in Haiku - that could be interesting.

Dix

This year I have been mainly eating Jelly....

It's true. Since the beginning of January I have been eating loads of jelly. And I am really enjoying it. It started with just a silly thing - I was tidying my kitchen cupboards and found this jelly all nearly out of date. Well I thought silly to throw it away - so I didn't.

I made up pints of orange, strawberry and blackcurrant jelly. I have been eating them on their own, or with ice cream or with cream or sometimes with both.

I like to make up my jelly with lemonade and that worked out well as I had some 'still fizzy but not for long' lemonade left over from Christmas. When you add it to the warm jelly it fizzes up and if you can get it to set quick enough then it keeps the fizzy taste.

When you eat it it kinda melts fizzy like into the mouth - which is really nice and feels kinda wonderful.

I am wondering why I am enjoying the jelly so much. Am I regressing to childhood, enjoying the child like food of jelly. But I have always eaten vodka jelly at adult parties so maybe what I really want is a bloody good party. I like the melting, lumpy, fruity taste in my mouth - no rude comments here please - the taste and texture.

When I was a child I used to steal the telly from the cupboard and pull of cubes to eat. Me and my brother used to do this often. Then we found out that eating jelly is good for bones and nail growth so we used to tell Mum that is was ok for us to eat the jelly raw (so to speak) as it would help us grow. Not sure it every helped my fingernails much as I have always bitten them (well as long as I can remember) but they have always grown back fairly quickly even though I just bite them again.

So I am going to leave now - try to find something worth watching on TV and eat blackcurrant jelly and ice cream.

See - this year I have been mainly eating jelly....

Dix

PS I love the image of the jelly brain - I think it is so cool - wouldn't that be a great jelly mould.

Over a 1000 pageviews

Total Pageviews
1,031

I am really pleased that since Nov 2008 I have had over a thousand people view my blog. Now I know that some, or maybe most of these views may have been me but even so some will have been others and for that I thank them truly.

Reaching over a 1000 pageviews is for me like reaching 100 friends in Facebook. Not really important I know, but nice and strangely fulfilling (in a kinda doesn't really matter way).

I am going to really try to blog more often this year and keep going even after Jan/Feb when I normally begin to lose a bit of interest or struggle to find the time.

Look forward to 2000 pageviews.

Thanks to everyone and anyone reading my blog - thankyou.

Dix

BR - the Fry chronicles an autobiography - Stephen Fry

I really enjoyed this book. My biggest fear was that I would read it and find out that I really didn't like Stephen Fry at all. I read the Paul O'Grady and hated him - his morals particularly put me off. But not so with Dear Stephen. He comes across as a lovely gently kind man and still very much top of the list in people I would like to meet. Strangely his Norfolk home is probably not so far from here and I often hope that I would be walking around a town and meet him. Highly unlikely but I have seen Rick Wakeman twice so I suppose anything is possible.

I realise that Mr Fry comes from a very different social class and background to me, the private school, the top rate University and just the way his life has panned out but somehow that upper crusty ness does not put me off him. I recognise his feelings about himself, confidence problems, I was surprised but pleased to read about his attitudes to sex (sometimes it feels so old fashioned not to want to sleep with everyone you meet) and his family.

There were parts of the book that I found, well a little boring, full of posh bit I guess, but I loved the way he only had nice things to say about people and how he showed real love and respect for his friends. I enjoy watching him on TV, QI is a really favourite (although I hated it at first), even watching the endless repeats. Mind you the fact that I fancy Alan Davies has something to do with it.

I don't think I will read this book again. But I did enjoy it and I am glad I read it. An enjoyable Christmas present. Must admit I will probably pass it on - part of my new years res to move on some more book and stop hoarding.

Tiredness

It's 3.30am in the morning and I am really really tired. Why are you blogging then I hear you ask (well you would if anyone was actually reading this blog but hey, I am writing and at this time that is all that matters). I am blogging because I am at work and I need to stay awake. I am working a 10 hour night shift and I need to keep going. It gets to the stage (recently I have managed later in the night than this but this is my second night this week) when the wall hits and all you want to do is sleep - rest and sleep. And I can't do that. I have to keep going as I am the only member of staff on shift and keeping an eye on 8 people.

I am not sure I should be using the computer at all for this purpose. Somebody could be monitoring closely, but I hope not. And as it is not my own machine I am not able to add a picture which is a shame as I really like words and images on my page but not to be this time.

I am sitting here wondering why I am cleaning and caring all through the night when really I should be doing something more constructive. I should be doing something that allows me to sleep like normal people. Of course I know that in reality there are probably hundreds of people working through the night and many of them working alone like myself. But somehow that knowledge doesn't help when all you want to do is sleep or at least have a conversation with another human. I do for one reason and one reason only - I do it for the money. You get paid more money at night so I sit here thinking at least I have earned 85 quid for keeping awake and cleaning all night. Not great but better than it used to be.

Trouble is I am having one of those nights when I am 'whigging' myself out and keep thinking I hear noises and things in night. In reality there is nothing but when you are tired your senses start to play tricks on you. I still have 5 toilets/bathrooms to clean, my absolute worst part of the job but I normally leave it until I am the tiredest because it keeps me awake and doesn't take any thinking about.

I guess I better go and get on, have a coffee and keep myself moving. I have 2 and half hours before the sleep in person awakes and I can start getting people up.

Yipee toilets here I come! Wish me luck.

Be in my bonnet!

I have really got a bee in my bonnet today.

See the thing is I hate feeling like I have been manipulated. If I have said no, then normally it is for a reason - not just because 'I said so'. Over the last few months we have had lots of conversations with Boy about Tennis. He really wants to play tennis but as we explained it is very expensive and not something we could put lots of money into without knowing how it is going to 'pan out'. We have already paid for a football season that he got asked to leave and he does have this habit of starting things and then coming up with lots of reasons why he can't keep going at them. I know maybe it sounds mean but we do have to be very sensible with money and anyway he can't necessarily have everything he wants.

So what happens, he talks to his Independent Visitor, a nice lady about his birthday and says that he has always wanted to play tennis but we wont let him because of the money. So she came back to us and said why doesn't he pay for it out of his birthday money (he doesn't want anything in particular and so it make sense). Well it makes sense to me but he does not want that at all. He thinks we should just pay, pay, pay and never mind how much.

So I am thinking this about game playing to get his own way and it has actually back fired on him big time. And that has made me angry. So guess what, he is having tennis lessons for his birthday and because he has been such a little brat about it I am sooooo sticking to my guns. He has really pissed me off with the attitude. I know all children think they are hard done by and everyone else has stuff they don't but he is making a profession out of it.

I feel like a really stubborn donkey but hey it don't feel so bad.

Landlord!

We have let the Cabin - at last. It is only for 6 weeks but it will be a good introduction to see how we get on being Landlords. To see how we cope with having someone live at the bottom of the garden.

The lady moving in seems nice, she has two children about the same age as Boy so he may end up having someone to play with for a couple of weeks. They don't go to his school but live locally.

The money will help for a while.

I am kinda excited and a little scared at the same time. I hope it works out or it could be a pretty grotty time - but going along with my positive thinking. It will work and it will help us financially.

Dix

Sleep

Thursday night I did my first night shift for a while. I have done some research (on line of course) about how to manage staying awake all night better. Firstly I should try and get some sleep before I go to work - I tried this but I really wanted to sleep around 3 pm but had to pick Boy up from school then so tried going to bed around 5pm and just couldn't sleep.

Secondly it said as long as you replace REM sleep which for most people is around 3 hours a night then in one day you can be totally back to normal. So as I had an appointment on Friday I managed to get about 3 hours sleep during the day Friday and then went to bed last night just after 10pm and slept until 9.30 this morning. And I must admit it seemed to have worked. I don't really feel much different (bearing in mind I often feel tired all the time anyway).

I quite enjoyed doing the night - there is no one to bother me, no one to piss me off and I got through the work well. Yes it is tiring and lots and lots of bloody cleaning especially 5 toilets - and you do often miss the next day in bed but hey, it is working at the mo so as far as I am concerned it is a solution.

In the middle of the night I did think to myself why am I just a glorified cleaner with a good degree and lots of experience. But then I thought my choices and things can always get better.

And there is a bit of good news, there is a job that I can apply for online (and in the paper unfortunately but at least I can try and be better than the competition). I am already thinking about how to write my supporting statement (as I feel like this is where it can be lost or won) and the hours of this job although not a lot would help us no end. If I keep thinking positively than things can only get better - right?

Dix

The Big Conversation

Last night I went to meeting about the Big Conversation. The Big Con should it be called. It was a meeting set up to give Foster Carers a voice in the cuts proposed for Children's Services. In other words asking us to think about who we want to cut so that the council and the government can say - look the people wanted these cuts - it was there decision.

As I sat in the meeting all I could think about was the film Brassed Off - this poor woman was optimistically trying to sell us this deal when I think we all knew that the decision had already been made, and that probably ultimately she was as likely to be a victim as us.

The suggestion is that all Foster Carer's will no longer come under the Council but will all be shipped out to Agency (I can't see how this is going to be cheaper but it sure will make some one huge amounts of money). Nobody could answer where Kinship Foster Carers stand in this deal, nobody could answer the question about cuts in Social Workers, Special Guardians, Youth schemes and so on. In fact there was a lot of no information that we were supposed to be discussing.

I left being worried, I left feeling that the most vulnerable people are going to be so badly affected by these cuts, that normal everyday people will lose their jobs and nobody will see it is wrong until we get another Baby P, or someone notices how many children in care end up in prison, or on the streets or worse.

On a personal basis not sure how I am going to manage with out my Foster Care Allowance - it has allowed me to take time out to be Boys parent, to give him time to settle and adjust to family life and if I am truly honest it has given me time to get used to him and being a parent again.

If the money is cut or taken away - will he stay - absolutely bloody yes, will it be hard, absolutely bloody yes. We will both have much less time for him , less money to allow him to do things and much less support from professionals who have supported us through this first year.

We should have more answers in February - or will we just have more flannel, more questions and more anger. Is this really what people voted for? Do we really have to take all the flack at the bottom when bankers and MP's and the very rich get off Scot free?

Glad I never voted for the wankers - don't get me wrong all politicians are the same. What is it 'Power corrupts -well we have certainly seen that with the Lib Dems!

And don't even get me started on the price of diesel!!!


Dix

The Case of Matching Underwear

Firstly I start this blog with a massive apology. JC I fully and completely apologise. I was wrong (as I often am ) and you should take absolutely no bloody notice of me in the future or ever again!!! Well certainly when it comes to clothing advice anyway.

When JC and I first became friends she used to say that she only wore matching underwear (sorry for putting too much info out there JC but need to for this blog!) and I thought it was well, very anal. What did it matter what was under you clothes as long as they were clean and comfortable. But I was wrong.

Recently I have purchased a couple of sets of matching underwear - nothing expensive and from Adsa but pretty and feminine. And there is the rub - wearing matching underwear makes you feel pretty and feminine. It makes me have that little smile inside when I think about it. I don't even mind too much at looking myself in the mirror in them. I think about my pretty underwear and I think about sex (in a good healthy way - I hope) and I think I am pretty, I am a women. This then leads to other positive thoughts. I do have a voice, I can have my dreams, I can get a job that I want. I have value. All from £9 worth of underwear you ask. But yes, it works for me.

As I walked the dog on the beach this morning, in my matching underwear (and believe me my dog walking coat, Deputy Daug hat and big black boots are not sexy at all - just warm) I thought about my mum who always used to tell us to wear clean underwear in case we had an accident. And it was a nice memory and made me smile. And then I smiled as I thought about my pink flowered bra and matching pants (even though I wanted to pull them out of my bum - I managed to ignore the impulse -well you do have to have some class even on the beach and anyway someone is always watching when you think you are alone).

So what have I discovered, that a simple thing like matching underwear can make me feel better, better about myself and then better in the world.

Matching underwear can help me be 'fortified by optimism'.

What I want to learn in 2011 is that the little things can make life alright.

The little things can make life good.

The little things can make life worth living.

Life has its ups and downs (2010 has felt like lots of downs and not enough ups) but I have learnt in January 2011 that wearing matching underwear can make me feel good. That wearing matching underwear can make life feel good. One little lesson for the month to help the world seem easier. Gotta help - hasn't it??

Dix

ps obviously I look nothing like the picture on my blog - it is just an illustration (and anyway I have never worn a thong although I am told they are comfy - think I will give them a miss for now, perhaps an experience for later in the year??)

Examples of Haiku

Kojo

Night, and the moon!
My neighbor, playing on his flute -
out of tune!

Chris Spruck

Faceless, just numbered.
Lone pixel in the bitmap-
I, anonymous.

The first more traditional, the second modern.
I am starting to understand.

Dix

My First Haiku

Please forgive me. This is my first attempt at an Haiku poem. What do I know about the form - that it consists of 17 syllables - 5 in the first line, 7 in the second and 5 in the third. That is my starting point and a game that my daughter got me for Christmas and I brought JC so that we can write Haiku together. Oh well hear goes - not sure this is right but it is an attempt.

Happy dancing, so
precious to swimming limbs in
my melodic time.

Dix

Should Haiku have a title if so, this could be something like Water Dancing. I think I have a way to go to understand the form but hey its a start.

Any suggestions or guidelines or is it back to my Stephen Fry book and Wikipedia!!

Happy New Year

A new year and a new way of thinking - I hope. I know I try these new year resolutions and fail every year but this year I am just gonna try something simple. Being optimistic.

Life will get better for me if I just think it will. I am fortified with optimism.

I am so determined to start and keep writing. All part of the above.

Whilst I was a Uni we had a writer give us a talk (have to say I read one of his books and didn't think much of it - it felt like a poor copy of Ian Mckewen but hey he is published and he did give good advice). This was his advice that I have pasted up on my wall for years.

This was his advice that I share with you:

• have SELF BELIEF (it means more than everything - if you believe you can succeed you will).
• have SELF DISCIPLINE (that means write regularly)
• TALENT - I think this is something you are born with but you can definitely work at it
• WRITE EVERYDAY (that means everyday however much work you have, however tired you are)
• FIND A HOOK - BE MARKETABLE (not easy but helped by lots of reading, being aware of what is being published and what is being nominated and winning awards)

Good advice - all I need to do is follow it!!!!!!?????!