Yesterday

Yesterday felt like it was going to be one of those days. I went for a walk on the beach which I enjoyed and met a new lady and her dog. Then I went to work (abit late as per usual). But on the way to work something happened. Entirely my fault but it just made me think again that only bad things seem to happen when we are down. When I think I have at last hit rock bottom - I haven't. And then all the old thoughts sat with me all day. Another bill to arrive - more trouble - the effect all this will have in the future. When life was good and money was ok these things didn't happen - life just rumbled along with the odd little hump and dip but now it is all mountain and valleys both of which seem to hard to climb or walk. And then I thought about where is my life going, my best mates from Uni are finding there futures (and so they should and I am really happy for them - they are young and have there whole life ahead of them whereas I am nearly 50 and still trying to find away), whereas I am returning to old jobs, old ways which I know are not fulfilling me in anyway. I search the job sites, I search the Internet for just a hint of inspiration but nothing just admin, admin, admin and a wealth of care jobs that I could apply for but they pay shit and I know I will struggle within them to feel fulfilled and happy. So I finished my first job and made my way home. I made my way home wondering how much more downward can I realistically take before it all seems like too much trouble.

And then nearing home I just looked up and noticed the sky was really blue. That beautiful blue of a happy summers day. And straight across the horizon sat this little pile of puffy white clouds, like little cotton wall balls all sat on a wall - very straight and very soft. And this made me smile and think of soft white towels after a bath; of clean sheets on the bed; of freshly iron t-shirts cuddly on the skin; of babies on sheepskin; of cuddly toys given in love; of hope; of love.

And as quick as that life didn't seem so bad. But why, all of the above first paragraph was true - my life still sucks at the moment; I am fearful; I am afraid of the future so how can a row of clouds change all that. I don't know how but I am thankful that I am at that stage where it can. Where a row of clouds can make me feel good; where a row of clouds can me me think creatively; where a row of clouds can give me hope. I am so thankful because when I am ill nothing can do this - nothing can intrude on my misery and give me hope.

In the evening I went to my other job - still feeling tired but feeling glad; glad my mate was working; glad I could laugh with her and the tenants, just glad I had some options. Yesterday I had the options to apply for two jobs and didn't know if I wanted either but at least I had the option and then I got a call to see about some other possible work so hey - maybe the clouds really worked.

Dix

Seal Smile

Bright eyed, seal face, pops up and stares
dog like, just a few feet away.
With surprise, we blink
and he sinks,
back into the sea.

My eyes search the surf,
desperately trying to re-glimpse
again that natures face
and flapping tail.

Left and right on the horizon, wildly
hoping for that sweet blackness
of a face, for that slightness patch
to pop us and stare, again.

And just when I decide to walk on
it appears, following my steps,
closer than expected and smiles,
flicks tails and dives back down.
Dog face seal follows me homeward.


Dix

Carol Ann Duffy

I found this poem yesterday on the net. I have very mixed feelings about Carol Ann Duffy feeling that on the one hand she is very much what I would could an establishment poet, talking in that strange poet voice and writing in a way that feels out of my reach. Yet occasionally I have read something of hers that I really liked and have thought 'yes, I can connect with her'.

Anyway this poem was on the Guardian website and was written especially for them:

www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/may/07/democracy-carol-ann-duffy/

Democracy by Carol Ann Duffy

Here's a boat that cannot float.
Here's queue that cannot vote.
Here's a line you cannot quote.
Here's a deal you cannot note...
and here's a sacrificial goat,
here's a cut, here's a throat,
here's a drawbridge, here's a moat...
What's your hurry? Here's your coat.

Something about this really struck me. So brilliantly yet simply put.

I read it to my friend JC who said it sounded like something I had written, OMG I wish, but it did sound like something I could write if I really tried hard - if that makes sense. Anyway just well, sort of enjoy.

Dix

Living

Living

I am Living!

Am I Living?

Living, am I?

Living, I am.

M☻g

Uhmmm.....

I would like to say I am back blogging but in reality I know I can't. My life is still chaotic most of the time and full of fear of the future. There has been no creativity in my mind for many weeks, not even little doodles and notes in the evening in front of the TV. And strangely at that time I didn't miss it because I had (and maybe have) decide that I will never be a writer, creativity is a silly little hobby that I have been able to pamper over the last few years and now has to go. I hardly seem to have time to keep in touch with friends or family and I certainly don't have time for me.

But truth is you get used to worry - I don't wake up every morning frightened for the future. I know nothing is sorted, I know that any minute another bailiff could come visiting and set me back again. I don't know if I will keep my home, I don't know if I can make a future for 'boy' and I certainly don't know if I will stay with my husband in the future. Yet I do know that I can't live like this. That I have to fight. That I have to try and find a solution, even if it takes years. Hopefully that is the one thing I have - time. Time to sort it out and pay it off and feel alive again.

So I am going to try and blog again - try to write my stories and my funny little poems and talk about writing and art and creativity. I am going to try and be happy.

I still walk the dog on the beach every day - my little bit of heaven. I still enjoy time with 'boy'. I still love my family, I still love my animals, I still care about my friends and miss them. I am looking to find new hope. I know I will have to work full time, I know that I will have to watch every penny in the future but hey at least I can say the word future and hope I am in it.

So if anyone still reads my blog I ask a big favour - just have a little prayer for me - a terribly selfish thing to ask I know - but I just think any strength and courange I can muster will help me feel a future.

Hoping to feel your love.

Diana

Consumer's Lot

He brought the thing he didn't need, with money he didn't have, from someone he didn't know. It had been designed by someone he hadn't heard of. It was built by someone who didn't care, in a country he'd never been to. He got it home and it didn't work.

By Kevin Level from Mini Sagas published by The Daily Telegraph