Old age and Funny sad emails

A friend sent me this email. I get loads of these funny, sad and frankly soppy mails and normally I just read them and pass them on or delete them. But there was something about this one I liked. Maybe I am just in that kinda mood. I am very tired and a little sad so guess it was the right time. Working again today and really don't want to. Hope day goes well and I just get through it. Working again tomorrow as well. Oh well. It all earns the money.

Ps think I have managed to put the time right at last.

Enjoy.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.

Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the sagging butt and expanding belly. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become nicer to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, (I have learnt to enjoy it) or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, 70’s and 80’s if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love or a sad romantic film, I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set (and the freezing cold) they, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair and turning gray, to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

No time to blog today

No time to blog today
I have to be away
To walk the dog
and do my job.
No time to blog today.

A very quick note

I am going to the Norfolk show tomorrow and to be truthful I am quiet anxious about it. I think it will be hard work and very tiring. Pushing a wheelchair around anywhere is hard but I think the Norfolk Show will be particularly difficult. I think it is my age. Suddenly after turning 40 life appears to be taking its toll. Yet strangly I have probably achieved more in what seems like less time. (I feel another blog in this line - life after 40).

I have caught up a little at work but have lots to do before next Tuesday but I am sure I will be ok with hard work and much less sleep.

My mind has not been particularly creative today - I guess ideas don't come all the time. Although I like it when they do.

My early morning walk on the beach was wonderful - I just loved it. What can be better than walking along the sea edge and feeling that life is just worth living. I wished my house overlooked the sea - with coastal erosion that is a possibility in the next 50 years. I don't expect to be here to see that but one never knows.

Hope tomorrow goes well.

It's wednesday,Poetry, Spike Miligan,

It's wednesday and I always hate wednesday. They are right smack in the middle of week, too far away from the weekend. Although why the weekend bothers me as I am working this weekend I don't know. But it is something about wednesdays - I always feel tired on a wednesday and want the day to be over. But sometimes I have really good wednesdays. I wonder what sort of wednesday I am going to have today?

Not much to say today so thought I would post another Spike Milligan poem.

Ulster, Derry 1972

When the only colour is black-
the only sound
the broken bell
Then talk to me about why.

By Spike Milligan

and another small untitled peice

GOD MADE NIGHT
BUT
MAN MADE DARKNESS

By Spike Milligan

I assume the first one was about the war in Northern Ireland and the second is just about man. Both seems so appropriate to the state this world is in 30+ years later. Somethings just never change.

The Sniper's Journal

I watched a program about Afganistan on TV this week.
It showed families morning their children and trying to make sense of it.
Trying to justify their deaths.
It showed a young man with death in his eyes telling us he is a sniper, telling us he has killed 19.
19 dead and written in his notebook because snipers keep count.
19 dead and written in his notebook because snipers keep a death journal.
And his father, who took him to a firing range to learn how to use his pistol before he went on service.
So he could teach his son to defend himself at close range.
His father was proud.
His father is a sniper too.
It's their family trade.
And it saved his son's life.
It saved his life the day he pulled his burning best friend from their bombed vehicle.
Another one to write in his sniper journal.
His sniper journal full of 19 dead, no names, no descriptions, just how he killled them and where. 19 dead in the snipers journal.

By Me

Tiredness, work and fat

Oh my god I am tired. I have just had three days off and I am knackered. I now have 6 days a day off and then 4 days. Not good when I am already tired. And I have to go in early today.

When I think about my days off I only actually relaxed one day the others were spent either frantically trying to get the garden tidy, or frantically trying to catch up with housework. Neither of which I managed to any great success. At least the weather was ok, if somewhat windy. I only work 30 hours a week, or I am supposed to but in reality I normally do something extra so it is getting closer to full time hours but sometimes I am absolutely exhausted. What is the cure? None I suspect. I am lucky that on the whole I like my job, even when I have a crap day I do like my job. I feel like I am making a difference that people's lives are better for it and if I am truthful others notice that I am making a difference and tell me. That's so nice - to recieve some sort of recognition that what you do makes a difference. I wonder how many people are lucky enough to feel like this - teachers probably, and police and such like. I have had teachers that have totally changed my life and given me so much confidence to move forward and to feel a more complete person. Anyway I am getting off the subject.

But when I get so tired I start to getting grumpy and start to find fault in others (not an easy person to work with), I think everyone should do the job in a certain way and can't understand why they don't. Oh by the way have I said what I do - I'm a support worker for individuals with learning disabilities. And I love the job (I know I mentioned that already!!). So I have been thinking about this week. And decided on my tasks for the week.

1 I will not get grumpy at work - if I start to feel grumpy I will go somewhere else for a while and calm down.

2 I will not talk about or pass my opinion on about other people - just keep quiet and stop giving my opinion - every one is different and difference is good.

Will I manage it - I am going to try but who knows - I will let you know. We have a new guy started work with us who is religious and talks about sinners and being good and it has really made me think. I am becoming the person I really don't want to be. I am becoming that person who feels trapped in the corner and has to come out fighting. And I don't want to be that person. And I want to be a better person. I want to feel better about myself.

I know it is all a very boring mantra but worth a go, don't you think.

My other constant battle is the diet. I have lost 27 and half pounds so far, since January. Not stunningly quick but steady and making a difference. But in the last few days I have been eating really badly, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and this is making me feel ill and tired. So I need to stop this and just get back on course. I need to make it 2 stone and I need to keep going. I have 6 stone to lose (which is an enormous amount) but if I can get my degree I honestly believe I can do anything.

I have just read back over this post and thought what a boring load of twaddle but then it's my boring load of twaddle so that's ok.

Better go, feed the dog, walk the dog, change the cat tray, shower and wash my hair, sort the washing, feed the cats, empty the dishwasher, lock up and cycle to work (weather's good and can't really afford anymore petrol until pay day next week).

Ain't life grand!

My shoe laces are frayed

The shoe laces on my Puma trainers are frayed
Not all four of them - only two
The left on the left
and the right on the right.
They have become thick and unruly
with the lengthening fraying.

I think I have a spare set of shoe laces
White trainer ones that would fit nicely
But where did I leave them?
In the third drawer down in the kitchen
(now here's another story)
With two sets of washing machine stabiliser bolts
Name Indesit and Hoover
And the charger for my toothbrush
And three different colour patches for paddling pools
That have been long dispatched to the tip
After spending the winter filling will scummy rain
And breeding grounds for mozzies
And a yellow tin of petrol to refill my father's silver plated lighter.

Yet the fraying keeps expanding
And the shoes laces won't feed back through the loops
Leaving ends that splatter causing trip hazards
Which brush slap marks on the pavement when it rains
And suck up the water like heavy rope.

My white Puma trainers are dirty and green
from walking the dog on recently cut grass
and squelching through soggy verges
They smell of cat pee and cheese
Although I just washed them last week.

And another thing

After that rather long and sad rant I wanted to say I am going to make a real effort to blog - everyday or as close as I can get to it. I enjoy it and it does me good. And it doesn't matter if anyone reads it. It is for me and for anyone who wants to read it.

And after today I will try to be more creative and more fun.

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog.
It's been a long time since I did anything creative
and my mind is struggling under the need
to tell the stories hidden there
to live in world of my own making
and paint and draw
badly.

I have been reading alot, but in little bites as if my concentration has gone back to pre degree length of not very long. Everything is not very good at the moment. I am lonelier than I have ever been, feeling unloved and very alone. After 27 years my relationship is over. I think we have both known for a while that it is not so good but hearing it come out of both our mouths is painful.

And who can say what the future holds. Poverty - definately. Homelessness - I hope not. Lots of alone time - how will I cope? Loss of friends - couples get invited - singles don't. Finding new friends - could be fun or a complete mine field.

I have never really been physically alone - lived at home then left got married etc. But I have been alone lots I just always had the trappings of company - if that make sense. I have my children but not sure I have such a good relationship with them or maybe I did the right thing and let them go off into the world and live their lives. Wish we were closer - emotionally and with my youngest physically but I know that I love them and hope one day they will come to understand me better and I them. Does that come with old age?

Anyway the last few months have been strange. I feel very angry with the world. Sorry gonna talk politics. Where shall I start? The price of petrol. It is so expensive I got myself an electric bike. It is brilliant and fun but the truth is I can only afford one tank of petrol a month. This is making it very difficult to go and see my daughter and friends and visit interesting arty places and events. And why is petrol so expensive? We are told because crude oil is expensive but why have the oil companies been allowed to make the biggest profits they have ever made? Because politicians don't care. And very rich people are making lots of money. The working people have to just pay up and shut up. And bigger and bigger profits are made and life gets harder for the working person.

And then there is the two wars. This country makes money out of war (or the very rich do and yes I have read Micheal Moore) and other people die. How many now - hundreds but that's ok as that pompous Coronel said 'It is for the greater cause.' Well sorry - BOLLOCKS - there is no greater cause. Young people are dying for old men. Young people are dying for oil and politics. This is not right. This is so wrong. And yet it will continue and nothing will change until these wars stop making powerful people money or things get so bad at home the powerful people have to stop. But it will only be for a while.

Then there is the price of food. My favourite margarine is over £4 a tub. £4 for a tub of margarine - that just madness. (I know I sound like a really old person but come on £4 for a tub of margarine - what is going on?) Another powerful person, was it the Head of the Bank of England told us we have just got to live with it. Put up with the price rises and not ask for more. Come on - a £4 pot of margarine probably does not mean much to him on his at least 6 figure wages (probably in reality much more). I earn just over 10 grand - guess what a £4 pot of marg means I can't have it any more, £1.25 for a loaf of bread means I have to have a cheaper and less quality alternative, £5 a gallon petrol means I can't see my friends and family, £7+ for prescriptions means I have to go without until the next pay day etc etc.

So people say at the next general election vote for someone else. Who? They are all the same just in different colours. Self serving. What is wrong with politics - polititians! They will give themselves a pay rise next year, they will keep claiming expenses for their friends and family and then justifying it - ha - and we will keep putting up with it. They are on 6 figure wages, what do they care about me.? Why should they? Once we put them there they have all the power and don't care about the ordinary person anymore. What would I do about it?

Nobody should vote!When the next election comes - just stay away - in our millions. Make the outcome a complete farce.

Vote for the 'Don't vote for politians party!!!!'.

At least this would be more truthful than the current farce of politics and it might be more truthful to democracy - although I hate using that word in the same sentence as modern politics. It sickens me.

Anyway enough you say - ranting, ranting, ranting. I know but I just wanted to say these things even if no one ever reads them. It makes me feel better. Oh my god am I a female Victor Meldrew or just a grumpy old woman. Who knows - who cares?