I hate my job

I know in this financial climate that I should be really thankful that I have a job and in some ways I am. But I am so stuck in a rut. I work relief which is supposed to work that I can pick and chose when I work but the down side is sometimes there is no work. But what it really means is that you are supposed to be available to them whenever they want, up to and including 24 hours a day and then they can just stop using you for no reason what so ever and never give you a reason. Yesterday a member of staff told me that I was 'letting the side' down because I don't want to work 24 hours days (and can't really as I am a foster parent) and that I don't care about the clients or my fellow members of staff.

Perhaps she is right - I don't know. All I know is I have been put on so many times that it is hard to care all the time, sometimes I just want to work and have a life at home and for the balance to be good. Not this crap I am getting.

So I am trying to get another job - desperately applying for lots of school jobs that would provide me with a slightly better income and a reliable structure with time off with boy during the holidays. Trouble is I don't think I am going to get one of these jobs which probably means I never will. I have applied for loads (although not as many as I should as my enthusiasm is really waining) and only had one interview. So what am I doing wrong. Probably not filling in my applications right, not the right experience, don't know the right people etc, etc.

But the truth is I can't keep going as I am. So I am going to have to apply for other care jobs but am so afraid it will be just more of the same. They expect you to do long shifts with sleep ins, they expect you to drop everything for the client but expect to give nothing back. This month I am missing wages again, for the second month running, but have to wait yet another month to catch up.

I so wish I didn't have to work - I know that this is unreasonable and financially impossible but I also know that the worst stress in my life is caused by work.

Wish I believed I could get another job.

Dix

On juggling

I am 50 years old and trying to manage a home; a 13 year old Kinship Foster Child; numerous money issues; tiredness and work. Trouble is I am not always managing it.

Yesterday was a perfect example of this problem. I was due to work all day yesterday (Sunday), not something I would have normally chosen to do as the weekend is always a nightmare. But we are short staffed and I thought I could manage it. And sometimes I can. Trouble is we have just had a change of staffing and the previous manager got completely mixed up when I told her which days I am available and which I am not. My hubbie has every other weekend off, but not this weekend and instead of putting me on his weekend offs, she put me the wrong way around.

So I have to get a baby sitter. This is difficult at the best of times but sometimes nearly impossible. Yesterday was all sorted. My daughter was happy to come and sit with Boy. Don't know she had much planned but anyway all was safe and happy. What happened to make the plan go wrong? Her mother-in-law was rushed in to hospital with a suspected stroke (second one) and she had to go to the hospital with her partner - he needed her support and I totally understand this. Trouble was the phone call came through 1 hour and 15 mins before I had to got to work.

What can I do? I rang the couple of other people who sometimes help out. One was away and the other I couldn't contact. Oh dear. Panic, panic, panic. I sat and thought about. I know that I have to stay with Boy. He is and will always be my first priority. So I ring work and get a not so nice reception. I can understand why but it doesn't help.

So where am I now. Well I am an unreliable worker and will probably lose my job (it is only relief and I am very replaceable). I can't get another job because I flag up as reliable. I need the money from working, if only part-time, it pays lots of bills. I need to be a good reliable foster carer, parent, mother figure; wife; home keeper; finance manager; budgeter; and all round perfect person.

Yesterday I failed on all fronts. And what did it make me feel like - well pretty lousy really.

And how did Boy react - not 'Oh great we have the day together to so stuff' - No - instead 'Oh will there be enough money to go on holiday now?'

I almost feel like I am too old to be doing this stuff - like I am trying the juggling but every day something hits the deck.

No work today - thank god - just a day to relax and take time to do for me - stuff the housework, stuff the money management - I am blogging, watching daytime soaps and meeting a mate for coffee.

I am juggling for me.

Dix

On Tiredness

The trouble is I am often tired - I mean really tired. So tired it is hard to do anything. When it hits me in the evening sometimes I can literally do nothing but go to sleep.

Work makes me incredibly tired. Even though I only do shortish shifts - sometimes I am absolutely exhausted. I sit down and that is it - almost like I just can't do anything else but sit and sleep.

I don't think this is normal - some people seem to be able to fit huge amounts into their days. They work and socialise and garden and still seem to get up early and stay up late. I can get up early, although I can never just wake up and get up. It always takes me at least half an hour of turning off the snooze on my mobile phone before I am able to get out of bed. Sometimes longer. I am never firing on all cylinders first thing either. I used to be able to stay up late, be awake and alert at all hours and full of life. I realise that my weight and stress has not helped in this and know that if I eat a better diet I always feel better but even so most days I could sleep 10 hours and still feel tired.

I don't sleep 10 hours - mostly I sleep 7 or 8 - but even so much of the evening is spent just chillin' out and getting nothing done.

I am 50 now, I manage to walk the dog every day for at least an hour (so that is good and it certainly keeps me sane), sometimes I cycle long distances with boy (15 miles plus), I try to walk instead of parking close by, swim when I can afford it and love being outside. These are all good things - I know they are and I feel proud of them.

But just sometimes I am so tired my body is screaming inside that I must lie down and go to sleep. I literally must. I am able to overcome this sometimes by just standing up and walking around but I always pay the cost for this - lots of aches and pains and then can't sleep when I need to.

Is this just old age? Is this about being overweight? Is it about stress? Or is it just me?

Dix

What ....

Today I had a really strange and annoying experience. Life at work is odd and sometimes difficult anyway so anything that makes it more difficult than it needs just makes life well... what?

I work with a women who I am having difficulty getting on with - we just don't sign from the same hymn sheet. She seems to cause confusion whenever she comes in - especially when I am there.

Today I asked her a simple question - 'Are you using the van all day tomorrow?' I didn't think it was a contentious question, I couldn't understand why it turned into one. Simple question - simple answer Yes or No. But no this is not what happened. Instead a surreal conversation that then involved the Service User I work with and then went into complete overload.

The outcome - the answer was Yes she has got the bus all day. But I was made to feel like I had done something wrong, which I hadn't, and realise it is just another nail in the coffin which means I wont get kept on as relief.

Thanks Pal ------for nothing.

Dix

Anxiety

I have thought a lot today about anxiety. The guy I am working with (he displays autistic tendencies and has a learning disability) is the most sensitive person I ever met to anxiety - not just his own but anybody and everybody around him. It is really strange - like he can sense it and then somehow turns it in on himself. It is also very sad.

I think anxiety is a terrible thing - I know I suffer with anxiety - that I can worry over everything and nothing - that I worry about what might be when really what will be, will be. Perhaps I have been given the chance to work with this man to help me understand how futile anxiety can be. Sometimes I look at him at see a great big ball of 'flight', his body desperate to get away from the feelings but unable. He doesn't fight, well not as you or I see it but instead he turns it on himself and hurts himself. Its a terrible thing to see and a terrible thing to try and help. When I am with him I want the world to be, well perfect. I want it to be quiet and beautiful and loving and kind. I know this cannot be but wish it could be. He could so do with some 'peace and love man'.

Of course the real way to help him is to give him the tools to help him deal with life, the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. And that is what we must try to do - trouble is it is not so easy with someone so anxious without some of the coping tools many of us take for granted.

I hope that in the next few months we all find a way to help him have a different life - he deserves it. We all deserve it.

Maybe even I deserve things to be better. I know I probably wont get that 'break', that bit of good luck that would make my life better but hope that I will find another way. Maybe that is what working with this man is trying to show me.

Dix

Ageing and Time

I remember when I was pregnant and when my children were very young that time really really dragged. I always seemed to be waiting for another time, or for visitors, or for the washing to dry, a TV programme to come on etc etc. It felt like each day went on forever and that my life would always be like that. I would wake up in the morning and find I had this everlasting space where I could take my time to get things done (or not), where the day stretched before me and the evening would slowly come.

I remember when I had a conversation with someone much older than me who said, 'enjoy love, it doesn't last - as you get older time starts to rush by and there is never enough'. I can't even remember who told me this but I remember not believing them. How could this be?

Now I am fifty and my life rushes by, I wake up in the morning always longing for a little longer in bed, even on the beautiful sunny mornings we have had recently. Then I get up and do the morning chores - I feed the animals and let the dog out for a wee, I empty the dishwasher and the washing machine and hang the washing out - rush to shower and wash my hair before hoping I have enough time to take the dog on the beach for a reasonable (or if I am lucky a long walk), before going to work, or out, or shopping, or hoping I can find time to do housework or reading or watch some daytime TV, or if I am really lucky maybe even do something creative.

And then the day is gone - I am home from work - often bloody tired - trying to find time to do the ironing and potter around the garden a bit, or sewing or reading etc, etc. And then I find myself longing for my bed (normally about now, and as I type this I am thinking if I go to bed early I might find it easier to get up in the morning).

And the day is gone, again.
And the week is gone, again.
And the month is gone, again.
And the year is gone, again.
And I find myself at 50 with time rushing past me uncontrollable and longing for a quiet time.

I suspect if I am still blogging at 60 or 70 or even 80+ then this might be a very different blog - it might be talking about how slow life is again. The days dragging forever, waiting to die (well I won't say that but that is how I might feel).

Dix

Broken New Years Resolutions

I

I always make New Years Resolutions (NYR's) - normally the same old stuff, do more; lose weight; be more; write more; write everyday; get a better job etc, etc, etc.

This year I didn't do all those things - well I did in my mind but mainly I concentrated on two NYR's - one was to be more positive, more optimistic about life. I have tried really hard to do this and apart from when I have been feeling crappy and ill, have tried to keep to it. I feel better for although I still have to regularly remind myself, I like it, I life living life to the positive - it helps - it make life better, it makes life easier.

The other NYR's was to stop buying books. This was really about saving money. As anyone will know who regularly reads my blog, money is tight and in the main I have stop being a consumer - I have had to. But somehow I have kept buying books, normally cheaply new or second hand but was still regularly buying books. In fact I have a massive pile to read and keep thinking one day I will have the time and the energy to just sit and plough through them.

I have failed miserably. It is not yet the end of February and I bet I have purchased the best part of twenty books - some second hand (I am still indulging my passion for second hand poetry books), some cheaply new (the pound shop has some pretty amazing hard backs and I picked one up the other day that was actually signed by the author), some in the Supermarket where £4 can buy a good current novel and today I went to Waterstones and 'bloo' £25 quid on new full price and reduced books.

And you know what I don't feel guilty, I really don't. I love books, I love reading them, I love owning them, I love looking at them and touching them, I love talking about them - I LOVE BOOKS.

So I will continue to buy books (luckily my local town does not have a decent book shop so the opportunity for new books is not so often), I will continue to trade and sell my read books, I will continue to love them. I will continue to find new books, to find other people with the same passion to talk about them. I will continue to buy books.

For what is life without a good book?

Dix

Feeling ill

Wednesday night it started. I just felt grotty. Nothing I could really put my finger on just felt bit sick and tummy was definitely churning. I feel asleep on the settee and woke up a couple of hours later and felt like I had been battered.

You don't really need to know this (but I will tell you anyway) after a couple of very urgent trips to the toilet and needing to expel from both ends I then felt really rough. I fell back asleep on the settee as our bedroom is a long way away from the bathroom. I eventually went to bed but couldn't fall asleep mainly because I feel like someone has put a belt around my chest and is pulling it tightly. Both my arms feel a bit numb and heavy and food holds no joy for me.

Yesterday I managed to drink a little and wasn't very interested in much else. (Those who know me will realise that it doesn't matter if I go a few days without food - I can afford to!). I just wanted to sleep all the time but when I slept it just made me feel grotty.

Today I still have the pain but definitely feel better - my chest is tight but I think I have just pulled muscles.

Trouble is yesterday was my big pay day - I was due to do 2 shifts and earn quite a bit. So now the end of the month will be just as crap and I have probably pissed off work.

Ah well - just got to keep going. I have another job application to fill in today and hand it today so I shouldn't really be doing this but wanted a quick break and blogging is always a good distraction.

Dix

Tiredness

It's 3.30am in the morning and I am really really tired. Why are you blogging then I hear you ask (well you would if anyone was actually reading this blog but hey, I am writing and at this time that is all that matters). I am blogging because I am at work and I need to stay awake. I am working a 10 hour night shift and I need to keep going. It gets to the stage (recently I have managed later in the night than this but this is my second night this week) when the wall hits and all you want to do is sleep - rest and sleep. And I can't do that. I have to keep going as I am the only member of staff on shift and keeping an eye on 8 people.

I am not sure I should be using the computer at all for this purpose. Somebody could be monitoring closely, but I hope not. And as it is not my own machine I am not able to add a picture which is a shame as I really like words and images on my page but not to be this time.

I am sitting here wondering why I am cleaning and caring all through the night when really I should be doing something more constructive. I should be doing something that allows me to sleep like normal people. Of course I know that in reality there are probably hundreds of people working through the night and many of them working alone like myself. But somehow that knowledge doesn't help when all you want to do is sleep or at least have a conversation with another human. I do for one reason and one reason only - I do it for the money. You get paid more money at night so I sit here thinking at least I have earned 85 quid for keeping awake and cleaning all night. Not great but better than it used to be.

Trouble is I am having one of those nights when I am 'whigging' myself out and keep thinking I hear noises and things in night. In reality there is nothing but when you are tired your senses start to play tricks on you. I still have 5 toilets/bathrooms to clean, my absolute worst part of the job but I normally leave it until I am the tiredest because it keeps me awake and doesn't take any thinking about.

I guess I better go and get on, have a coffee and keep myself moving. I have 2 and half hours before the sleep in person awakes and I can start getting people up.

Yipee toilets here I come! Wish me luck.

Sleep

Thursday night I did my first night shift for a while. I have done some research (on line of course) about how to manage staying awake all night better. Firstly I should try and get some sleep before I go to work - I tried this but I really wanted to sleep around 3 pm but had to pick Boy up from school then so tried going to bed around 5pm and just couldn't sleep.

Secondly it said as long as you replace REM sleep which for most people is around 3 hours a night then in one day you can be totally back to normal. So as I had an appointment on Friday I managed to get about 3 hours sleep during the day Friday and then went to bed last night just after 10pm and slept until 9.30 this morning. And I must admit it seemed to have worked. I don't really feel much different (bearing in mind I often feel tired all the time anyway).

I quite enjoyed doing the night - there is no one to bother me, no one to piss me off and I got through the work well. Yes it is tiring and lots and lots of bloody cleaning especially 5 toilets - and you do often miss the next day in bed but hey, it is working at the mo so as far as I am concerned it is a solution.

In the middle of the night I did think to myself why am I just a glorified cleaner with a good degree and lots of experience. But then I thought my choices and things can always get better.

And there is a bit of good news, there is a job that I can apply for online (and in the paper unfortunately but at least I can try and be better than the competition). I am already thinking about how to write my supporting statement (as I feel like this is where it can be lost or won) and the hours of this job although not a lot would help us no end. If I keep thinking positively than things can only get better - right?

Dix

Another job application

Another job application filled in - and handed in at the last minute (but just on time). On paper I have just about all that they are asking for. On paper I should be a good candidate. But will I get an interview - who can say. I hope so. Just have to move on to the next application.

Filling in endless applications can be soul destroying and monotonous but it has to be done.

We will see.

Driving and the Ice

I have always loved driving - almost from when I first passed my driving test (30 years ago now) I enjoy driving and will often find excuses to go out for a little drive. (This has ceased a little with the price of fuel). As I get older I find it harder to do very long drives, if I have to drive somewhere further away than about 3 or 4 hours I prefer to share the driving but I think this is just concentrating for so long and of course visiting when you get there. And the fact that every where is at least 3 or 4 hours away from Norfolk.

But this morning I really did not want to drive. It was very icy outside this morning, not snowing at all but just slippery under foot and as I have already fell over a couple of times in a the last couple of weeks I think it has slightly unnerved me.

But this morning I really did not want to drive. I haven't really used the car much over the last week or so which has not helped and just the whole rigmarole of having to de-ice the car, keep it clear and the perpetual problem of trying to keep the screen clean when my washers are frozen up. I was really nervous about my 25 mile drive to work and felt very tense about slipping or sliding all over the place. Once I got going I found myself holding on to the steering wheel really tightly and giving myself hand ache.

In the end it was a fairly uneventful trip. Lots of traffic going slowly but on the whole driving carefully. But by the time I got to work I felt worn out. Not a good start to a busy active day.

And then I had to be at work, looking out of the window seeing the snow come down rapidly and wondering if the journey home was going to be just as stressful. In any event it was a quiet and not too busy trip home but I was glad to be parked up and home.

Red

We stare at each other
In total eye contact
Absorbed in the stare that is
Primitive,
Challenging,
Uncomfortable.

Bodies parallel in drama
Our hands high five frozen
In a single slap
Our bodies stretched out that is
Threatening
Intimidating
Tense.

The music pulsates us
To the next move
Where both hand held tight
Defying the sound
To step away, staring
Eye to eye that is
Defiant
Uneasy
Unnerving.

A slight smile flickers on our mouths
Yet our eyes stay focused,
Stay serious, we work, we move
In time to the rhythm of the music, that is
Primal
Bold
Apprehensive.

We circle, faraway and shoulder to shoulder,
An image of menace,
A form of contact,
Locked in combat
Empowering
Engaging
Brave
Physical Theatre.


By
DiH

I would love some feedback on this piece. What does it say to you? What are you thinking?

Oh flipping heck (or words to the effect)

I have just had a frustrating morning. I am trying to get the lawn cut and some more tidying in the garden and it keeps raining. The weather forecast said 'showers' and unfortunately they got it right.

I have been to the hairdresser and now I am not sure I like the cut. It just seems a little middle aged but hey, I am middle aged but I think I wanted something a bit more funky and easy to look after. What my son in law calls my lesbian look.

In between these two I have typed up some invoices for the business, they went ok and typed up the start of a story I am writing. My friend, http://curiouslyspeaking.blogspot.com/ wants me to bring round some writing tonight so that we can discuss it. I had some free time on Thursday and have written the beginning of a short story provisionally called The Look, or Disappeared, or Stare (I am terrible with titles and always hope something jumps out the text whilst writing). Anyway I typed up 350 ish words before going to the hairdresser and then about the same again when I came home. Best part of 700 words is not bad going for me at mo.

Any way I just went back to add some more and found the only the first 350 words had saved. What a pain. I had done some editing whilst typing it up and now all that will be gone as well. This is so frustrating.

I have written about another 100 words but not sure I have the time, or the inclination to type it all up again. Suppose I ought to really.

I really want to finish this story and maybe blog it (not sure if I want to submit it somewhere. If I blog my work does that mean it has been previously published so is not available for submission?)

I have done lots of starting stories but never seems to get much finished so was really determined to try and get this work completed even if in first draft.

Hey ho, guess I better just stop blogging (soon anyway) and try and type the 350 words back in.

Another frustration today is that I was supposed to be attending a free evening of music and art at a local park. It sounded ok. But with the weather being so unpredictable maybe we will just stay in and have tea and Morrison's cream muffins. Yum!

On holiday - yeah

Its Saturday and I am on my first day of 9 days holiday from work. I am soo looking forward to it. I positively hate work at the moment - I have no control over what is happening - I am just doing what the boss says. On top of the that she has just given me a whole load of paper work to complete which is really pissing me off because all I do is paperwork and nothing to do with the job. Oh well at least money is coming in because at the moment that is all it is about - working to get paid. Sad really but I have to find a way to make 2009 more about finding a job that I like, paying off more debt and making sure I don't get any more. It can be done if I just try hard enough.

I have a great big list of things to do whilst I am on holiday.

1 Start creating my Christmas presents eg painting, wrapping, varnishing etc

2 Seeing the community link worker about making life easier in the future.

3 Meeting my friends from Uni

4 Meeting my friend from Work

5 Trying to do Wii fit every day

6 Making sure the dog has good walks every day.

7 Seeing Sam

8 Doing some of the meds training pack (although it pisses me off I have to do it in my own time!!)

9 Cleaning and tidying the house

10 Some writing - fiction and poetry

11 Continuing to sort my work from this blog and saving it to my usb pen. (More on that later).

12 Practicing darts cos at the moment I am crap.

I think that is enough for now - I will let you know at the end of the holiday if I managed it.

Facebook

My daughter has just got me into facebook. It is quite interesting yet I feel it will be just another time consuming thing and to be honest I prefer this blog. I like being able to say what I want, being able to publish stuff I am enjoying reading and stuff that I am writing. It feels good and now that I am looking back over it and reading stuff I can see how good it has been for my creativity. Hopefully I can find more time to blog - or I guess make more time. I hate it when I am too tired or too busy because I think it is a good part of my day.

Anyway back to face book. I have a few friends - somehow that still feels sad and people keep sending me stuff but I am not sure what I am looking at some of the time. I did get sent this amazing 'You tube' link to a video of a comedian singing about childbirth. It was so funny hopefully I am going to learn how to put it into my blog so you can all enjoy it.

I get emails telling me people have put stuff up on facebook for me to look up but when I look it just kinda takes you into this massive time wasting exercise. Anyway I think I am going to stick with blogging and just check facebook now and again.

Anyway back to my blog - I have been ready the children's poetry book I mentioned before and some of the stuff in it is amazing. I have loads to show you so next few entries will be them. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Young Poetry

I found this book at a second hand book stall - it is a book of poetry by young children who go to school in the East of England. All of it is good, very accessible and great to read but some of it just 'blows me away'. This one is just amazing:

THE DOOR

I crept into my secret door and saw

A promise of a rainbow with lots of different choices.

I wandered into my secret door and saw

A field spread out with a stretch of grass

And a piece of paper, a sign for paradise.

I jumped into my secret door and saw

A bowl full of overflowing food, no one would go

Hungry and a room full of yellow happiness.

I strolled into my secret door and saw

A sharp rosebush with 1000 roses that

Would bloom in two days and a day full of white fragrance.

Grace Ward (10)

Breydon Middle School

Poetic Voyages

East Norfolk

Pub: Young Writers

What can I say but WOW - I hope this girl is still writing - this book was published in 1992 so she will be 26 years old now but this type of use of words can never be lost - surely?

An email on age.

I have had a crap week at work and spent most of the weekend getting wood chopped for the winter (to help save money and keep my lovely woodburner roaring in the lounge). So have had no time to blog. I start two nights a week darts which is gonna make me knackered and the diet has gone out of the window in the last couple of days. Oh well good news is I am on holiday next week and really looking forward to it. I am gonna do lots of christmas presents, try and work on the stuff I am trying to make. Think it could be fun.

Anyway quickly, I got sent this email by my lovely friend Anne (more on her another time) and wanted to share it with you. I am 47 and my next big birthday will be 50 so I kinda get the email. I wish I could find happiness in my work because if I did my life would be pretty good. But guess I can keep working on that.

George Carin on age.

(Absolutely Brilliant)

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.

George Carlin's Views on Ageing.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?'

'I'm four and a half!'

You're never thirty-six and a half.

You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?'

'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.

What's wrong?

What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa!

Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!

You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle;

you HIT lunch;

you TURN 4:30 ;

you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become alittle kid again.

'I'm 100 and a half!'>

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER : Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

More on Walt plus others blogs

will be but excrementitious.

This was the picture I used for this line of the poem. I still don't really know what excrementitious means as it doesn't seem to be in any dictionary but is obviously based on excrement so this was the picture I chose. There is something strange about this poem, almost haunting but could have an evil undertone - for me so difficult to read. Is is about inevitable death and god and love or is it about someone taking anothers life because they think it is the right thing to do or they think it is right. I would love to know if anyone is reading this blog if they have an opinion.

And on this point and I want to talk about my friends latest blog entry at

http://curiouslyspeaking.blogspot.com/

the one entitled Happy Birthday. This is an amazing entry. So honest and warm and really made me want to cry but in a good way. I hope she means me when she is talking about her friends even though I almost not dare to think that. I remember when we first met she seemed to have real issues about friendship and told me that she didn't really keep friends. Me, in my inevitable way, thought that meant that she didn't really want to be friendly with me outside Uni and that would a some point just walk away for reasons I might never know. In fact I remember thinking at least she was honest enough to say this might happen.

But this has not happened and we have been friends for a while, I guess 3 or 4 years and are now considering returning to Uni to do our MA's, although probably on different courses. It was so lovely to read her honesty and warm. I remember when we first met thinking that she was very guarded and appeared a little afraid of her feelings. (I have told her that and I do know that she may read my blog! - Hi RC if you do read this) and thinking that I am too emotional for her - I probably still am but we found a way to cope with our differences. She has supported me through so much both at Uni and since and I hope I have supported her too. Anyway just to say I guess, what a brill blog and mainly what a brill friend. I love you (not in the Katie Perrie way, cherry chapstick) , but in the true friendship way. Although the does beg the question would I snog her??? Perhaps more on that another time.

And work

Another day at work, but then the weekend. Hope the day goes quickly and the weekend slowly and maybe the newspaper will have a new opportuntity. But if not this week then maybe next.

And I want to tidy my house, sort out some paperwork and letters, maybe a bit of gardening, kick back and watch TV, walk the dog, play Wii fit, laugh, make love and be happy. Not bad for a weekend!!

Maybe more today - later

A good day and a terrible day

Yesterday was a contradictory day. I had a good day at work even though, as per normal I was anxious about it and then just before I left I tried to sort out a problem with someone who is being very rude. And it was like trying to speak to a tree. No not a tree as I love trees. It was like trying to talk to a concrete bypass - one of those slashed through the middle of a lovely area that just sits there unmovable and unhealable and unable to be anything but ugly. The other person was horrible. She told me she hated me. She told me she didn't want to work with me. She said I had 'dropped her in it' at work. She sat with arms crossed and stiff negative body language and said horrible things.

I asked for compromise. I asked that we could work together without the arguing, without the constant bad feeling. But no, she said she did not snap at me, she was not rude it was all me.

And now, as I look back I feel so hurt. This is all about my illness. If I had broken my leg or had a serious operation or anything else I would get sympathy. But no - because my mind broke I am just judged - I am told it is 50/50 because we both have depression. I know in my mind I did nothing to this person - she was just someone I worked with and when I was ill I admit she did not cross my mine. Depression is a serious illness, it is a selfish illness - I admit that but a deliberate illness - no, no, no. No-one would be in the darkness because they wanted to, surely? I didn't want to. I really didn't want to.

And now I don't want to have to listen to this tirade of abuse, this horribleness because I was ill. And the boss just sat there and listened. And do you know why? Because she agreed with it. Because she was allowing her to say it because it is what she wanted to say but couldn't say it. So she used her puppet to be rude and horrible and cruel.

And that is what having a mental illness allows others to do to you. That is what you have to deal with, not just the illness, and the darkness, and the self hate and the paranoia, and the pain, and the distrust of your very thoughts. You have to put up with what others think. Because having a mental illness means you are not perfect, means you can't be trusted to be 'normal' - it means others can speak to you however they want because anything you say in defense will just be 'your illness'. That is what admitting you have depression means.

Today I have to remember the good things. I have to remember that I have many people who love me, that I have friends who have helped me through, that I love my family and my family love me. That I am not a bad person just someone who has a brain that sometimes doesn't behave. Sometimes it is not to be trusted.

I have to remember that each day is beautiful; to wake up; to see the sunshine; to feel the rain; to speak to people I love; (and maybe even to those I don't); to walk on the beach with my beautiful dog; to stroke my lovely cats; to hug my daughter; to tell my daughter I love her; to cuddle up with the man I love; to smell the grass; to see a pile of freshly laudered washing (I know sad but it does it for me); to hear the birds sing; to see my lady smile; to write: to hear and sing along to music; to read a book (good or bad); to smile; to laugh; to care; to love; to be me; to be alive.

No time to blog today

No time to blog today
I have to be away
To walk the dog
and do my job.
No time to blog today.