Alone and blogging

I haven't really been able to blog for a while in fact there is so much in my life that I haven't been able to manage. I know I may have put this before but to explain my 30 year marriage ended 15 weeks ago now. He left me by sending a text message and ran off with one of my best friends. And it hurts so much. Every day I just hope it will start getting easier - and to be honest in some ways it is. I no longer want him back. I realise that what he has done is so bad and has hurt so much there is no going back. But still I wake every morning with them in my head and I go to sleep the same and in between I have moments of OK, moments of better than OK and moments of utter hell.

I ache inside, I ache with loneliness. I feel it like a pain. I know it is too soon to even be thinking about starting another relationship but I so miss having someone around. After 30 years, even though they weren't all good I so miss waking up beside someone, having someone to talk to, discussing the rubbish on TV, eating with and so on and so on. Some days I really believe that one day there will be someone else for me but most days all I feel is a great be empty hole of the future of being alone, of coping alone. And I absolutely hate it.

Today is a bad day, a really bad day - lots and lots of crying already, up at 5am because I can't bear lying there thinking of them, thinking of what they have done. I can't ring my friends crying anymore - I have had enough of me so I know they have. I want it to stop -I want the days to be better, I want to feel like I can cope with boy and just make a life for myself alone and not keep feeling like this. I know many many people live alone and they do just fine, they are happy and able to live their life to the full. I have done so many things to try and make this go away but it just wont. I am at college one day a week, I volunteer, I have got the house much tidier and have really cleared the clutter, I cook and I clean and I do the garden and I cut wood - lots and lots of things. But I still have so many days like today when I just feel so empty, so alone and can't stop crying.

I know if I just make myself then I should be writing - that may be the savour to my life - if I can write everyday and really get into it I might stop feeling like this but trouble is my concentration span is hopeless, my confidence lower than usual and my avoidance huge.

I have started to do some jogging, maybe physical exercise will stop the pain and help me continue to loose weight and help me see a future for myself.

So here is my first blog for a while and yes it is just me feeling sorry for myself - as another blogger puts it a proper visit from the 'self pity' gnome. I don't know if it will help but I have to try, I have to try anything to stop myself feeling like this. I know somewhere inside I have the means to move on but some days I just can't summon it up.

If anyone is reading this 'I am sorry' but if it helps me at all I am not.

dix

It's Official

It's official. I really have no clue what I am doing.

Today I am (well, I think I am meeting someone). I say I think because just at this moment I think it may not happen. Not sure why I think that, just have a feeling.

I am blindly getting on with my life. I still suffer every day. I still feel the pain everyday but hey, I am still here and I am still managing, well more than managing. So does it matter I don't know what I am doing - probably not. Maybe that is what makes life exciting. For once I have no certainty in my life. I don't know where I will be living next year, I don't really know what I will be doing, I don't know if I can manage Boy alone, I don't know if I will ever meet anyone else, I don't know if I can ever get over the betrayal, I don't know if I can ever forgive enough to get them out of my mind, I don't know if I can continue to pay the bills. I just don't know. In other words I am probably like the huge majority of people out there. I haven't a clue.

So here goes into another day - it may be good - it may be bad. It may be exciting or just plain ordinary. But here goes - here goes me who hasn't a clue.

And that is OK right now. It really is.

Dix

Big Bold Flowers with Them

Orange is gone,
long live the cream,
long live the Big Bold Flowers.
Flowers,
gold, green and brown.
Long live the darkened
contrasting curtains
that hang so eloquently ....

Sitting in between them laughing -
dying inside.
Wanting to run,
wanting to hide
but longing for fun and laughter,
longing to belong again?

My heads fuzzy,
my arms heavy from Pernod.
Knowing I have to stay,
knowing I need to stay.
Stay with them,
Free to be me with them,
Free to be me at last,
free to listen and learn and feel again.
With them.


Dix

With special thanxs to JC and your Big Bold Flowers and Luna - you are special, special people. Hope I can soon learn to be here for you again. Love Ya

Ageing and Time

I remember when I was pregnant and when my children were very young that time really really dragged. I always seemed to be waiting for another time, or for visitors, or for the washing to dry, a TV programme to come on etc etc. It felt like each day went on forever and that my life would always be like that. I would wake up in the morning and find I had this everlasting space where I could take my time to get things done (or not), where the day stretched before me and the evening would slowly come.

I remember when I had a conversation with someone much older than me who said, 'enjoy love, it doesn't last - as you get older time starts to rush by and there is never enough'. I can't even remember who told me this but I remember not believing them. How could this be?

Now I am fifty and my life rushes by, I wake up in the morning always longing for a little longer in bed, even on the beautiful sunny mornings we have had recently. Then I get up and do the morning chores - I feed the animals and let the dog out for a wee, I empty the dishwasher and the washing machine and hang the washing out - rush to shower and wash my hair before hoping I have enough time to take the dog on the beach for a reasonable (or if I am lucky a long walk), before going to work, or out, or shopping, or hoping I can find time to do housework or reading or watch some daytime TV, or if I am really lucky maybe even do something creative.

And then the day is gone - I am home from work - often bloody tired - trying to find time to do the ironing and potter around the garden a bit, or sewing or reading etc, etc. And then I find myself longing for my bed (normally about now, and as I type this I am thinking if I go to bed early I might find it easier to get up in the morning).

And the day is gone, again.
And the week is gone, again.
And the month is gone, again.
And the year is gone, again.
And I find myself at 50 with time rushing past me uncontrollable and longing for a quiet time.

I suspect if I am still blogging at 60 or 70 or even 80+ then this might be a very different blog - it might be talking about how slow life is again. The days dragging forever, waiting to die (well I won't say that but that is how I might feel).

Dix

Broken New Years Resolutions

I

I always make New Years Resolutions (NYR's) - normally the same old stuff, do more; lose weight; be more; write more; write everyday; get a better job etc, etc, etc.

This year I didn't do all those things - well I did in my mind but mainly I concentrated on two NYR's - one was to be more positive, more optimistic about life. I have tried really hard to do this and apart from when I have been feeling crappy and ill, have tried to keep to it. I feel better for although I still have to regularly remind myself, I like it, I life living life to the positive - it helps - it make life better, it makes life easier.

The other NYR's was to stop buying books. This was really about saving money. As anyone will know who regularly reads my blog, money is tight and in the main I have stop being a consumer - I have had to. But somehow I have kept buying books, normally cheaply new or second hand but was still regularly buying books. In fact I have a massive pile to read and keep thinking one day I will have the time and the energy to just sit and plough through them.

I have failed miserably. It is not yet the end of February and I bet I have purchased the best part of twenty books - some second hand (I am still indulging my passion for second hand poetry books), some cheaply new (the pound shop has some pretty amazing hard backs and I picked one up the other day that was actually signed by the author), some in the Supermarket where £4 can buy a good current novel and today I went to Waterstones and 'bloo' £25 quid on new full price and reduced books.

And you know what I don't feel guilty, I really don't. I love books, I love reading them, I love owning them, I love looking at them and touching them, I love talking about them - I LOVE BOOKS.

So I will continue to buy books (luckily my local town does not have a decent book shop so the opportunity for new books is not so often), I will continue to trade and sell my read books, I will continue to love them. I will continue to find new books, to find other people with the same passion to talk about them. I will continue to buy books.

For what is life without a good book?

Dix

Sleep

Thursday night I did my first night shift for a while. I have done some research (on line of course) about how to manage staying awake all night better. Firstly I should try and get some sleep before I go to work - I tried this but I really wanted to sleep around 3 pm but had to pick Boy up from school then so tried going to bed around 5pm and just couldn't sleep.

Secondly it said as long as you replace REM sleep which for most people is around 3 hours a night then in one day you can be totally back to normal. So as I had an appointment on Friday I managed to get about 3 hours sleep during the day Friday and then went to bed last night just after 10pm and slept until 9.30 this morning. And I must admit it seemed to have worked. I don't really feel much different (bearing in mind I often feel tired all the time anyway).

I quite enjoyed doing the night - there is no one to bother me, no one to piss me off and I got through the work well. Yes it is tiring and lots and lots of bloody cleaning especially 5 toilets - and you do often miss the next day in bed but hey, it is working at the mo so as far as I am concerned it is a solution.

In the middle of the night I did think to myself why am I just a glorified cleaner with a good degree and lots of experience. But then I thought my choices and things can always get better.

And there is a bit of good news, there is a job that I can apply for online (and in the paper unfortunately but at least I can try and be better than the competition). I am already thinking about how to write my supporting statement (as I feel like this is where it can be lost or won) and the hours of this job although not a lot would help us no end. If I keep thinking positively than things can only get better - right?

Dix

Toilet Book

Am I the only person who has a toilet book? I understand that this may be a masculine trait but I just find it a nice quiet time to sit and read from a book that naturally leads to little snippets. Poetry is the best. I like finding little poetry books in second hand shops and reading them whilst taking a little time in the bathroom (if you know what I mean). I understand that some people find this, well disgusting, especially my friend JC but for me it is just a way to find a little quiet space and do what I most enjoy - that is reading. Poetry works really well because it is easily read in small moments but allows me to gain understanding and enjoyment.

I guess in my generally busy life anything that allows me a quiet time to read is just such a bonus. Although I am never alone! The dog and sometimes both cats have to come and see what I am up to.

Upset

I have been really upset - my friends dog, Buster has been really unwell and I feel like it is my fault. Boy was throwing stones for him last Thursday and it appears he has swallowed one. He has been really poorly - it blocked his intestine and he has had a major operation. I can't help it but I feel like it is my fault. I should have stopped Boy and even though I did tell him I should have been firmer. I can't stand the idea that that beautiful dog, Buster should be hurt through any fault of mine. His owner John was obviously so worried and I felt so bad as if there was nothing I could do.

Walking on the beach was just horrible with out my dogs, Dobbie's friend, somehow I just didn't have the heart for it. I was so worried he hadn't got through the operation and also heard he wasn't eating - it was so awful. I just kept crying (which was a real show-up).

Anyway as I came home from my dog walk Buster came on his lead to meet me - it was so nice and he even had a little ham because he thought Dobbie was going to eat it. I can see how much weight he has lost but he is starting to wag his tale again and his eyes are bright and he was fairly 'Busterish' so hopefully all is on the mend. It doesn't help me from feeling really guilty though. Maybe I needed a really good cry - not that I feel any better for it.

Work was difficult last night - I felt kinda out of step with everyone and my foot began to really hurt again. I was glad to get home and really rest. Today I am going to go on a really long bike ride as I think physical activity might 'buck me up a bit'. I am a bit worried that the 'old trouble' is returning and that is really not a good thing. So much at stake that is not a good thing - boy being the most important. You can't be a guardian if your a looney.

Yesterday

Yesterday felt like it was going to be one of those days. I went for a walk on the beach which I enjoyed and met a new lady and her dog. Then I went to work (abit late as per usual). But on the way to work something happened. Entirely my fault but it just made me think again that only bad things seem to happen when we are down. When I think I have at last hit rock bottom - I haven't. And then all the old thoughts sat with me all day. Another bill to arrive - more trouble - the effect all this will have in the future. When life was good and money was ok these things didn't happen - life just rumbled along with the odd little hump and dip but now it is all mountain and valleys both of which seem to hard to climb or walk. And then I thought about where is my life going, my best mates from Uni are finding there futures (and so they should and I am really happy for them - they are young and have there whole life ahead of them whereas I am nearly 50 and still trying to find away), whereas I am returning to old jobs, old ways which I know are not fulfilling me in anyway. I search the job sites, I search the Internet for just a hint of inspiration but nothing just admin, admin, admin and a wealth of care jobs that I could apply for but they pay shit and I know I will struggle within them to feel fulfilled and happy. So I finished my first job and made my way home. I made my way home wondering how much more downward can I realistically take before it all seems like too much trouble.

And then nearing home I just looked up and noticed the sky was really blue. That beautiful blue of a happy summers day. And straight across the horizon sat this little pile of puffy white clouds, like little cotton wall balls all sat on a wall - very straight and very soft. And this made me smile and think of soft white towels after a bath; of clean sheets on the bed; of freshly iron t-shirts cuddly on the skin; of babies on sheepskin; of cuddly toys given in love; of hope; of love.

And as quick as that life didn't seem so bad. But why, all of the above first paragraph was true - my life still sucks at the moment; I am fearful; I am afraid of the future so how can a row of clouds change all that. I don't know how but I am thankful that I am at that stage where it can. Where a row of clouds can make me feel good; where a row of clouds can me me think creatively; where a row of clouds can give me hope. I am so thankful because when I am ill nothing can do this - nothing can intrude on my misery and give me hope.

In the evening I went to my other job - still feeling tired but feeling glad; glad my mate was working; glad I could laugh with her and the tenants, just glad I had some options. Yesterday I had the options to apply for two jobs and didn't know if I wanted either but at least I had the option and then I got a call to see about some other possible work so hey - maybe the clouds really worked.

Dix

Blogging 2

I am not sure how many people are reading my blog - I suspect mainly my mates and the wonderful man from USA but I felt I needed to explain why I have been blogging the facts and quotes. I am sure some of you are finding them tedious and cliche (I agree they may be) but I need to blog them. You see with out them I would just stop blogging. Every so often one of them prompts me to write something, brings back a memory and I hope is more interesting.

At the moment I am really struggling to find time to write. And it is pissing me off. I have basically cut my work to two days a week and was really hoping that during school hours I would have time to write. I desperately want to write. So why aren't I?

It is the age of problem of time, or maybe the age old problem of not being able to say no. I have been working just about full time up to Christmas and didn't see much of my friends and elderly relatives. Well now that I have more time they want to see me. And for this I am really grateful. My friends and family are really important to me. In fact the year before last my friends and family kept me alive. Now I know that sounds dramatic but it is true. When I was ill it was only them that kept me going and helped me see value in myself and understand that I am loved.

I am lucky to be loved - I thank god every day for family and friends because with out them what would life be.

But I wish I could find time to write, be creative because I feel I have so much to say and really really want to say. I want to write stories, I want to entertain people with my work, I want to shock and pain, and make my readers cry. I want them to read my work and feel. So how the heck to I make this happen?

Answers in the comment box please!!!

PS - why I am so bloody tired all the time (TATT)?

A most peculiar dream

I had this dream a couple of nights ago and just can't make 'head nor tails' of it. Any ideas greatly appreciated?

I called it Ear Wax

I had this dream the other night.

It was strange.

I kept rubbing my ears because they felt odd. My hearing was muffled, like listening through water.

And as time went on (and in a dream time is always unreal and often controlled by the dreamer, often controlled by me) my world was becoming quieter and more distant and my ears were itching. So I began poking around in them and bringing out little balls of green grey ear wax. Each little piece rubbed between my fingers into squishy balls that left my ears feeling clearer but still muffled and slightly sore.

Eventually I just wanted to free my ears from their congestion and to hear fully again.

So I lay down on the settee on my side with my left ear exposed and really went for it. I raised my index finger on my left hand and dived into my ear. It went into my ear, initially exploring the outer cavity, peeling away the little wax balls but then delving deeper, my finger pushing through the flesh of my ear canal. The flesh began to separate and my finger squashed through into the inner ear. It felt like pushing through soft meat or warm plasticine or warm wax.

My finger went deeper and deeper until it nearly reached up to my knuckle. And just when I thought I couldn’t reach any further I felt something semi-solid, something slightly firmer just touching the end. I tried to press a little harder and just get a grip on what I could feel. Just delving a tad deeper to get a hold.

And suddenly I felt the object stick to my fingertip. I began to slowly extract my finger, keeping it as still as possible, hoping that the object would stay clinging to my fingertip and come out of my ear.

And it did.

Slowly and carefully it slid out of my ear canal and finally popped into my outer ear, filling it so much that momentarily it hurt, stretching my outer ear cone to extremes.

As the blockage was picked out of my ear the sound became suddenly loud and I was relieved to have removed the muffling.

I picked out the object and immediately felt the shape of it. It was square and about 3 mm thick, square or rather oblong – a strange rubbery rectangle. I took it out of my ear and placed it on the palm of my hand. It was bout 50mm long and 35mm wide.

It was strange. The top side felt slightly un-straight, definitely not parallel with the bottom being lower on the left side and slightly higher on the right.

But the oddest ting of all was the fact that it was a deep midnight blue. There was nothing pastel or uneven about the colour, it was strong, intense, complete. A slightly off kilt, midnight blue rectangle that has come out of my ear. It shone like wax or soap or even waxy soap and still felt warm but was cooling rapidly in my palm.

I remember that I wasn’t surprised or worried, just amazed and interested.

Why did I not question a midnight blue waxy block in my ear?

And what is the significance if there is any, or if you believe in dream interpretation of a dream like this?

11th again

Today has been one of those days when I have spent my whole time running around after others. I had a lovely long walk on the beach with the dog and then took a relative shopping and then had to do stuff at home, boy had a visitor and then I went to darts.

Trouble is yesterday was a good day for me creatively, I wrote and posted a story on http://cherrypickerposse.blogspot.com/ that I was quite pleased with.It needs editing and a some more work to get the structure right but for a night in front of the TV, watching the darts final - it ain't too bad.

But today no writing, no reading, not even any thinking about being creative. And that is bad. I just want this year to be creative. I want the time and most of all the head space to be able to write, to be creative, to feel fulfilled.

It is late now, too late to be thinking about editing or creating so for today I will have to just accept I couldn't creative anything (apart from this blog) and put little in my writing diary, (only this blog) and move on. Hey tomorrow is definitely another day.

Dix

I've been away

Hi - it feels like ages since I have written on my blog. I have been on holiday and had a nice time and good break - lots of eating and relaxing. But everything is already back to normal - rushing around with no time to spare. Maybe I should be pleased that I have such a busy life but sometimes I just wish I had more time for me and for my creativity.

Anyway I read the Parkinson autobiography whilst I was away - it was both interesting but still told me lots about Mr P, not just his life but his opinions and faults as well - I like this in an autobiography. Anyway I found this wonderful quote that I wanted to share.

Micheal Parkinson asked the poet Auden '..what was the purpose of a poet and he said, ''As a poet one has a political duty, which is to try, by one's example, to protect the purity of the language. Because when words lose their meaning then I'm quite sure physical violence takes over.''

I think he has a point - don't you?

Mog

Blogging the Weather

I just realised that when the weather is good I hardly ever find the time to blog. I just spend the whole weekend out in the garden, or I wander out there in the morning and evenings when I would spend time at my computer. I love being outside, soaking up the sun, it makes me feel good. But I hate not keeping up with my blogging. I will have to find a sensible balance, although taking the laptop outside is not one of them.

I notice some of the friends blogs I follow are the same. This is good - enjoy the outside when you can - soak up your Vitamin D (I think that is right) and be grateful for the warmth. Before long we will be huddled up inside in front of the fire living it what feels like a permanent darkness. Well dark before and after work anyway.

I love the nice weather.

A chance meeting

Recently I had a chance meeting with a fellow uni student. I hadn't seen him since the day I graduated. We met as I made my way back to the car after work and he was popping into the city. After a mutually warm greeting we chatted like old friends and I still can't believe how brilliant it was to be talking to another ex-grad about life our time at Uni and recent creative projects. I was surprised how animated and excited I became, it was like I had so much to say and so little time to say it in.

It sounds like he is also finding opportunities to use his degree and enjoy the skills he has learnt. He, like other graduates from our course, appears to have had a reasonably stressful first year after graduating before sitting back a little and weighing up the possibilities.

He must have thought I was a bit mad, I was certainly 'rabbiting on' like an excited child. After I got home and thought about our meeting I realised just how much I would love to go back to Uni and do my MA. Even though I am happy in work and feel happy in life I think the lessons I learnt in the three years of my degree could be applied to make an MA an even more successful and far less stressful experience.

Anyway Mr R was always a good poet and one particular poem always stayed with me, in fact, I printed off a copy from the forum and kept it. Now he has posted this poem up on YouTube for you all to hear.

Please follow the link -- it is a worthwhile experience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRag_8YnOyk

6 Words to describe your life

I went on the One Minute Writer site today http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/ and decided to have a go. The subject is 6 words to describe your life. What a great task although very much brings out the glass half full; glass half empty mentality.

It is great to think about how your feel about life in the simplest way.

Any one out there I would love it if you would write in my comments 6 words to describe your life. Go on I dare you.

Here are my attempts.

• Happy, sad, confident, confused, tired and alive.
• Carpe diem - seize the day - today.
• Awake - rush, drive, work - rush, sleep.
• Alive, watching, listening, smiling, loving, alive.
• Wake to work, home to sleep.
• Wake to friends, home to love.
• My family, my dog, my cats.
• Money - bills, money - work, money - fun?
• Breakfast, elevenses, lunch, high- tea, dinner, supper.
• Fat, chocolate, cheese. Diet, veggies, fruit.
• Dreaming, writing, looking, creating, writing, dreaming.

Got a better one?

DiH

Old age and Funny sad emails

A friend sent me this email. I get loads of these funny, sad and frankly soppy mails and normally I just read them and pass them on or delete them. But there was something about this one I liked. Maybe I am just in that kinda mood. I am very tired and a little sad so guess it was the right time. Working again today and really don't want to. Hope day goes well and I just get through it. Working again tomorrow as well. Oh well. It all earns the money.

Ps think I have managed to put the time right at last.

Enjoy.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.

Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the sagging butt and expanding belly. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become nicer to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, (I have learnt to enjoy it) or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, 70’s and 80’s if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love or a sad romantic film, I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set (and the freezing cold) they, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair and turning gray, to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

No time to blog today

No time to blog today
I have to be away
To walk the dog
and do my job.
No time to blog today.