It's Official

It's official. I really have no clue what I am doing.

Today I am (well, I think I am meeting someone). I say I think because just at this moment I think it may not happen. Not sure why I think that, just have a feeling.

I am blindly getting on with my life. I still suffer every day. I still feel the pain everyday but hey, I am still here and I am still managing, well more than managing. So does it matter I don't know what I am doing - probably not. Maybe that is what makes life exciting. For once I have no certainty in my life. I don't know where I will be living next year, I don't really know what I will be doing, I don't know if I can manage Boy alone, I don't know if I will ever meet anyone else, I don't know if I can ever get over the betrayal, I don't know if I can ever forgive enough to get them out of my mind, I don't know if I can continue to pay the bills. I just don't know. In other words I am probably like the huge majority of people out there. I haven't a clue.

So here goes into another day - it may be good - it may be bad. It may be exciting or just plain ordinary. But here goes - here goes me who hasn't a clue.

And that is OK right now. It really is.

Dix

Hot

Now don't get me wrong I love the hot weather. It makes me feel good and it makes people happy. Sunshine makes people nicer to each other. I love nothing better than being outside basking in the sun (yeah bit like a whale!!!) and feeling how wonderful life is.

But last night it was just too bloody hot. I had the fan on most of the day and all night in the bedroom and it was still boiling. Trouble is I live in a chalet bungalow and the only room upstairs is our bedroom. It sits under a very dark roof and has only one window - this is not good for circulating the air. Sometimes I don't even mind it being really hot upstairs - I just lie there and enjoy the heat but something about yesterday was different. It was very close and hot. This just made it impossible to sleep; impossible to get comfortable.

I was aware of how much I was sweating (it was uncomfortable) and how much him lying next to me sweating - it was unpleasant. At some stage I should have just got up. I thought about chucking my tent up in the garden and sleeping out there. I should have done. Instead I lay there unable to sleep properly and then having some dreadful nightmare that made no sense and didn't seem to come to a conclusion.

I have two craps nights sleep now so I bet by tomorrow I will begin to feel awful and I have a busy weekend ahead.

Ah well, I better have a little afternoon nap - that always seems to help and feels like a naughty treat.

Dix

Shutting the Curtains

Now I know during this entry I am probably going to really show my age (and my inbuilt snobbishness) but I can't help it. I realised, reading other's bloggs, that I love the ones that are someone giving an opinion - even if I don't agree. Well here is my opinion on curtain pulling.

You see, I can't understand why people keep their curtains pulled all the time. We have scarce little daylight in the winter so getting any of it through the windows is an absolute bonus and during the summer, especially this year we are having some gorgeous weather and I can't wait to get up in the morning and let in the sunshine. And maybe that is me, my hippyism that enjoys the outdoors and nice weather. I certainly know that sunshine makes me feel so much better and helps my mental health, going outside, walking the dog whatever the weather helps me feel me good.

Anyway, back to the point. I have noticed that with each generation it seems to get worse - that each generation seem to want to spend there whole day with the curtains closed - shut inside a big dark den, burning electricity, watching TV or DVD's or playback on Sky+, playing computer games shut into the big dark den. First is was my own girls, who are both heading towards 30 now, they would never pull their curtains. Their excuse was we live in a bungalow and didn't want anyone 'purving' on them (they meant the guy across the road but that's another story). They have both moved out and into their own homes and still do it. I go to see my eldest daughter, who has this really cool bungalow with wide patio doors in the lounge and windows at the front down a nice long drive and all the curtains are closed. The sunshine is well and truly shut out! My younger daughter lets a bit more sunshine in when we are there. She has the biggest front bay windows on a flat in a Victorian villa, but I know she shuts out the sun loads too.

Now I have boy - he has been away this week, doing activities (and it has been gloriously quiet) but as soon as he came home all the curtains in his rooms were closed - well and truly firmly shut. From the outside it just looks horrible. I go in there and open them but as soon as he goes back in they are shut up tight again. In fact he has requested thicker, darker curtains to keep out the sun- huh!

When you drive around the area, there are a few houses that always have the curtains shut - well I know this is snobby but these are the houses that always have run down paintwork, rusty old bangers in the garden, old bits of furniture and black sacks hanging around and looked generally really unloved. The curtains look so tightly pulled together that it appears they have never been opened and often apart from the permanent rubbish like no one actually lives in there. These are not always young, or youngish people, but they are a type of person. You expect them, if they ever come outside, to be very pale, almost deathly looking, squinting at the sun as it burns there unprotected skin. These houses often have deliveries, like Tesco's and unidentified parcels. Just the door open quickly, a hand comes out, signs if necessary and then back to curtain drawn abyss.

Now, I guess I am old fashioned, but every morning my mum would get up, put the kettle on, let out the dog and pull the curtains. It was about starting the day and letting the daylight in. Even in the winter when it was either grey or still dark, the curtains were pulled and life began. Often with a conversation about what sort of weather we were going to have that day (is that very British or do all nationalities do this). I love to wake up with the daylight. If I get up in the night I will often pull the curtains, especially in the summer, to allow the sun to naturally wake me up. It is wonderful, to hear the birds, to feel the warm of the sunlight oozing through my eyelids and warming my soul.

Do I care if the neighbours are looking in? Not really, there is nothing much to see here, just us getting on with our daily lives and honestly, me with nothing on - not a pleasant sight and not one that anyone would want to experience often. Let them look I say, what have they to gain, but life through someone else. Not for me, although I like a bit of noisy but don't want to be watching others live.

So am I old fashioned. Should I really shut out the world and keep myself hidden behind curtains, not watching the wildlife or experiencing the weather. God I hope not. I hope up until my end of days I have the energy to get up in the morning, put the kettle on, let the dog out and pull the curtains. I do so hope....

Hurray, hurray, hurray

Yesterday evening the gas was delivered.

We have gas; we have heat and we have achieved a victory (kind of).

And we are warm throughout the house.

Lovely

Dix

Begging on the telephone

Today has not been a good day for me - I feel grumpy - I have felt grumpy most of the day. Not really sure why - maybe because I have to go to work tonight - it is my last night though so that is something to look forward to (no more sleepness night walking miles up and down corridors, cleaning and caring). Maybe I am already a bit tired although I actually feel ok, my throat is still a bit iffy but otherwise I feel at last the grotty cold is starting to subside.

Then my day got worse. I ended up begging some snotty little boy on the phone to please deliver us some gas when all he did was basically read No off the screen. Now we do still owe the gas company a little (from monday £100) not a huge amount and all winter we have hugely economised with gas, often being cold, taking showers rather than baths and trying to make it last. It is now into the red (or black on my tank) and we really need a delivering. (Please bear in mind that we have paid them £50 per month, every month and it has been a bloody cold winter).

He would not move, he would not compromise, he would not even listen, he would not let me speak to his boss, he didn't empathise in anyway, in fact it was obvious he didn't give a crap. I was so angry and so upset I cried. I got off the phone and wept. How have I been reduced to this by an uncaring company and a little 'twat' on the phone.

So we turned off the heating, made plans to not have any baths in the near future and hope that the gas will keep going a little while longer. Gas heats our hot water and we cook on it. What else can we do?

By the way, according to little 'twat' Calor Gas has no system for helping people who are having difficulty paying large heating bills, according to 'little twat' they just have a debt recovery department. Well big thanks!!!

After calming down and feeling a bit silly for crying - I had a think.

You have to fight, in this country at this time, in our situation, you have to fight for everything. We are poor (that is ok most of the time - I don't need to buy stuff all the time and consumerism has its major faults) but it doesn't mean I can't be proud, I can't be intelligent, I can't try.

So we rang back and got the managing directors address - will it help? Who knows but if it doesn't I really am prepared to take it further - the press, the TV - well yeah - because we are not the only ones, we are not bad people, we are just in a bad situation. So here goes - a nice but firm letter to the MD asking for flexibility and compromise - a little help yeah.

I would rather hold my head up and try to fight than just be a bloody victim all the time. Will he care or help - watch this space.

A visit to the dentist

Today I visited the Dentist - it was a last minute appointment as I had to change my scheduled appointment because I have a job interview (yay - but another blog I think). Luckily it didn't give me too much time to think about it - I just got up, took the dog for a walk and toddled off to the dentist.

I have to say that this dentist is much nicer than the one I used to visit. He is South African (but aren't all dentist's now) but he is pleasant and very understanding of people's financial situation. It was only a check up but I knew I had broken one of my teeth just before Christmas so that was going to cause a conversation, if nothing else.

I sat in the chair and he began prodding and poking (in a dentist sort of way) and I felt myself literally trying to curling back into myself. Now I don't really like the dentist but have decided that if I want to at least keep a few teeth in my mouth that I need to 'put up with it'. I could taste that metal sweet sort of taste of blood and really wanted to close my mouth (that is unusual for me) and leave - not make a fuss but with confidence. Of course, I didn't - I then tried to take myself off to a happy place - that didn't really work either - I couldn't seem to think of a happy place just a stark white dentist place. Oh Dear.

He looked at my broken tooth and we had a conversation (he had his hands out of my mouth by now), he can fill it but it probably wont do any good as there is not much left to fill, he could take it out but I am really unkeen to loose another tooth as my mouth is starting to getting those funny vertical lines running about a centimetre from my lips (in the places where other teeth have departed my mouth for ever), - note here I don't look totally toothless or anything but I have have six teeth removed, four being my wisdom teeth (say no more) and I do think about it sometimes before smiling at people I don't know. This of course means I smile in a kinda crooked wonky way that is more frightening than smiling and makes people look away quickly with that 'who is this mad woman and why is she growling at me' way.

Or I can have my tooth capped which will cost £199 - a huge amount of money but something I would like to have done. So I explained the above (about keeping whats left of my rotting stones) and that I would have to save up but would like a crown done. He was really nice about, (my old dentist would have made me feel bad for not doing as I was told) and said come back when I had the money, that what was left of the tooth should be OK for now and otherwise just keep looking after them.

So it is over you say - unfortunately not, he went back into my mouth, prodding and poking again and shouting out strange letters and numbers to his assistant. Then he got out that cleaning/drilling sounding thing and cleaning the back of my front teeth, (apparently I need to work harder there to stop the plaque building up). By this time my feet were literally curling, so much so my toes were nearly touching my shins (well slight exaggeration there but you know what I mean). I looked up at his masked face and thought this is like paying for torture and that has never been my thing - I would much rather pay for luxury and pampering.

Then as soon as it began - it was finished. He removed his mask and I rinsed and thanked him (why did I thank him for that torture) and left. After paying the bill £16+ and having some inane conversation with the receptionist (they must have thought - what a strange lady- I left).

I was pleased that I might be able to have a crown (if I can save up), pleased it was over, but mainly pleased that at least we had a conversation and he did treat me like another human being even when he was inflicting pain.

Oh well, don't have to do this again until August (or before if I can save up).

Dix

21.20 to 21.50

There is something about the time 9.20 to 9.50 pm that makes me space out. Don't ask me why but during those times I just don't seem to be able to function.

I always have a really low point around 3 pm but at least I can stay awake and keep going but in the evening I just seems to phase out. Whether I am on the phone or watching TV or even out I always struggle at this time.

I watch TV programs and tend to fall asleep and then wake up 10 minutes before the end and wonder what the hell is going on. If I am out I find myself sitting quietly and willing myself to stay engaged with other people but if I am on the phone it is worse.

Last night I was on the phone to JC (she has just got an amazing essay result which is just brilliant) I love talking to JC and we often don't keep in touch enough. We were chatting but I could feel myself really struggling to stay focused, to stay on the conversation. But why? I was really interested, really wanted to speak to her but it just couldn't.

And I hate it. People must think I am being really rude. That I am not interested in what they are saying but it couldn't be further from the truth it is just that I have developed this trait - this time when I can't function properly and I can't seem to get out of it. Guess I ought to try and really make an effort to keep myself going at that time - stand up and walk about, that kinda thing.

I am out tonight - darts - and I am going to monitor the time and make sure I stay focused at that time, even if I have to slap myself.

So just to say - to friends and anyone who speaks to me between 9.20 and 9.50 I am so sorry and slap me or call me names if I phase out on you. It is rude and it isn't ok. I wouldn't except it so neither should you.

Dix

Not being paid- again

I got my payslip from Mencap early this month and what a bloody mess. They haven't paid me again. I know that I only work as and when and that my hours have to be input every month but it is so frustrating that when I really need the money like now I just don't get it. They already owed me 6 hours (which I have been owed for a couple of months) and now it just got worse. Those of you who know me, or have been reading my blog will know that I am not doing so great with money at mo so every penny counts.

We are hoping to have a very cheap but fun camping holiday - I have saved some money to go and was counting on my wages to help with the costs. And now no wages - and I am worrying how I am going to pay for the holiday.

Trouble is I really need a break - time away from home, from bills, from stress and worry. And I should be able to count on my wages when I have earnt them. I shouldn't have to beg for money I am owed. But seems like I so often am. I have got to get a job that pays every month and is regular and not too badly paid.

I feel angry and upset and worried and stressed and well thoroughly pissed off - and all I want is my wages. I cried at work when I told them about it as it has really upset me - I made plans that might just about work and now it is all well, buggered.

Life's just a bitch. Maybe I should check my lottery tickets - that will be another downer!!!

Mog

Morrison's Cafe

Last week I went to Morrison's Cafe with my friend.

We wanted cake.

I had a machine dispensed milky coffee in a big yellow cup that was the size of a mug.

It was chipped on the base.

She had a Pepsi.

We chose cake.

Desert apple pie and cream then a toffee pie and shared, bottoms and tops.

My friend chose a table in the middle of the room near an irritating child and shouting mother.

I sipped my manufactured coffee and stared around the cafe.

What's this - a face I recognise?

A face from the TV?

Now who is he?

Ah yes, he used to be Martin Platt on Coronation Street, I'm sure.

Definitely a lovey type wearing a darkly patterned shirt and clashing Tweed jacket.

I couldn't see the bottom half it was under the table.

I stared, rudely and wondered should I speak.

What would I say?

I don't even like Coronation Street and apparently he left ages ago.

My friend knew the details.

He was written out after having an affair with a younger woman and leaving (the character of course, not the man in the clashing clothes sitting in Morrison's Cafe).

My coffee cooled too quickly and frothed around my lips leaving a taupe moustache.

I wiped it with my sleeve.

My friend had read he had changed careers.

He left the show to make cheese!

I choked and spat taupe froth widely.

Feeling old

Boy has discovered Facebook - and enjoying talking to his mates on it - and a girl whose initials are written on his rubber???? Anyway he asked me today what does 'kwel' mean? I didn't have a clue and neither did him. I desperately tried to work it out, something beginning with kiss or kick - huh, but nothing came to mind. I began to think about swalk and norwich and hoped that wasn't it.

What does 'kwel' mean - you probably know but it means 'cool' yes 'cool' so one perfectly good four letter word with a pretty unambigious meaning is replaced with another slightly confusing four letter word. Why??

Most of the text type speak I hate - l8r, lol, etc - I do occasionally use IMHO which is really old fashioned but when my younger mates, or friends kids send me messages I can't read I just get frustrated and angry. For god sake we have predicted text use the full word and hey, how about some punctuation - it's great and makes us all take a breath.

Sometimes being dyslexic makes words confusing enough but this language, well it alienates me and I hate that.

So you see I am just old and grumpy and just not happening and down with it (or some such thing).

Bob's Answer

Bob’s said ‘How are you today?’
‘I’m pissed off.’
Bob said ‘Oh.’

Pause

Bob’s said ‘How are you today.’
‘I’m fed up.’
Bob said ‘Oh.’

Pause

Bob’s said ‘How are you today.’
‘I’m miserable.’
Bob said ‘Oh.’

Pause

Bob’s said ‘How are you today.’
‘I’m tired.’
Bob said ‘Oh.’

Pause

Bob’s said ‘How are you today.’
‘I’m annoyed.'
Bob said ‘Oh.’

Pause

Bob’s said ‘How are you today.’
‘I’m fine – how are you?’
Bob said ‘I’m great – thank you’

Bob walked off.

By DiH

Been a long time gone

I have not written on my blog for such a long time but have thought of it often. So finally remembered my login details and decided to get back into it.

News

I am suffering with one of those grotty virus type colds at the mo. Sore throat, blocked nose, tired eyes, hacking cough and it has drained all my energy. It has really drained my energy and is making me feel just YUK, YUK, YUK!!! I just want to sleep all the time which is really rubbish and haven't managed to get any of the jobs done which I wanted to this weekend. Having no energy is a real drag - mind you I have watched lots of old stuff I recorded on the DVD recorder and enjoyed most of it, especially The Genius of Photography. And have managed to clear down the memory somewhat so I can record some new stuff.

I will finish with a poem by (yes you guessed it) my favourite SpikeY!

NEW MEMBERS WELCOME

Pull the blinds
on you emotions
Switch off our face.
Put your love into neutral
This way to the human race.

London
April 1971

Sometimes I think it would be nice to do this. Just switch of my emotions, close down my reactions and sail along without hassle or pain.

DiH

Just one last note - I am going to church tonight. It is my second time - I found it comforting last time but not sure why? Tell you more later - maybe?

Quotes

"I hold that a writer who does not passionately believe in the perfectibility of man has no dedication nor any membership in literature" John Steinbeck

And funny ones (I love these useless snippets of information!)

"The first toilet in a block of public toilets is the least likely to be used and hence is the cleanest." Heard on the radio - could this be true I hope so as I now always use the first cubicle".

"All polar bears are left handed." - Come next time you watch a wildlife show I know that like me you will have to check which hand they use to grab that fish!

DiH

And another thing

After that rather long and sad rant I wanted to say I am going to make a real effort to blog - everyday or as close as I can get to it. I enjoy it and it does me good. And it doesn't matter if anyone reads it. It is for me and for anyone who wants to read it.

And after today I will try to be more creative and more fun.