Self Loathing (by food)

All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. Past full. A whole packet of cheese sandwich biscuits, quantities of fruit and chocolate too. All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. Past fat. Milk chocolate Button Easter Eggs, devoured whilst driving, untasted, un-enjoyed, gone. All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. Past life. Mature cheese, broken lump by lump from vast blocks; chewed and savoured unobserved. All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. Past morbid. Crap food nags carbs and sugar, momentarily ease my stress and sadness. All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. To death. Dix

Haiku Again

This picture made me laugh - and I think explains why Haiku's can be hard.

Debt

Irresponsible

spending by plastic; crash is

inevitable.

Regression
iv>

Galaxy counters,

Spangles, Marathon, Opal

Fruits. All gone too soon.

I know, I know back to food again and I also know that both Marathon and Opal Fruits are still about but have just been renamed but they are not the same and they don't hold the same memories (if you know what I mean).

Dix

More Haiku

The first one is a re write (well I added a little cos I got my syllables wrong) - Thanks JC although I suspect there will be more.


Ice cream

Great glorious
mouthfuls of creamy luscious
Cold. Lick, lick, lick. Hmmm.....


Chocolate

Sensual oblong
cool, unsatisfying
object of desire.


Deprivation

It's so weird -
visualising bed; craving
sleep and dreams.



Bob's Philosophy

Bob said "Born to
be slapped and scream; die
screaming silently."



I don't know - are they better - maybe better meanings. Hope you enjoy and JC I don't mind if you check syllables and let me know.

dix

This year I have been mainly eating Jelly....

It's true. Since the beginning of January I have been eating loads of jelly. And I am really enjoying it. It started with just a silly thing - I was tidying my kitchen cupboards and found this jelly all nearly out of date. Well I thought silly to throw it away - so I didn't.

I made up pints of orange, strawberry and blackcurrant jelly. I have been eating them on their own, or with ice cream or with cream or sometimes with both.

I like to make up my jelly with lemonade and that worked out well as I had some 'still fizzy but not for long' lemonade left over from Christmas. When you add it to the warm jelly it fizzes up and if you can get it to set quick enough then it keeps the fizzy taste.

When you eat it it kinda melts fizzy like into the mouth - which is really nice and feels kinda wonderful.

I am wondering why I am enjoying the jelly so much. Am I regressing to childhood, enjoying the child like food of jelly. But I have always eaten vodka jelly at adult parties so maybe what I really want is a bloody good party. I like the melting, lumpy, fruity taste in my mouth - no rude comments here please - the taste and texture.

When I was a child I used to steal the telly from the cupboard and pull of cubes to eat. Me and my brother used to do this often. Then we found out that eating jelly is good for bones and nail growth so we used to tell Mum that is was ok for us to eat the jelly raw (so to speak) as it would help us grow. Not sure it every helped my fingernails much as I have always bitten them (well as long as I can remember) but they have always grown back fairly quickly even though I just bite them again.

So I am going to leave now - try to find something worth watching on TV and eat blackcurrant jelly and ice cream.

See - this year I have been mainly eating jelly....

Dix

PS I love the image of the jelly brain - I think it is so cool - wouldn't that be a great jelly mould.

Thursday 4th March

1969 - The Kray twins Ronald and Reginald were found guilty of murdering John McVite.

Now I remember this being big news, mainly because my Mum used to say how some of her family still lived in the area and had met the Krays, mind you she also said that they were bad people - so one of those strange claim to fame conversations.

Swallow your pride occasionally: it's non fattening!

Nothing, repeat nothing is non fattening - believe me I know - I am sure even the fresh air is fattening - or is that just my excuse because I eat too much. Hmmm.....

Morrison's Cafe

Last week I went to Morrison's Cafe with my friend.

We wanted cake.

I had a machine dispensed milky coffee in a big yellow cup that was the size of a mug.

It was chipped on the base.

She had a Pepsi.

We chose cake.

Desert apple pie and cream then a toffee pie and shared, bottoms and tops.

My friend chose a table in the middle of the room near an irritating child and shouting mother.

I sipped my manufactured coffee and stared around the cafe.

What's this - a face I recognise?

A face from the TV?

Now who is he?

Ah yes, he used to be Martin Platt on Coronation Street, I'm sure.

Definitely a lovey type wearing a darkly patterned shirt and clashing Tweed jacket.

I couldn't see the bottom half it was under the table.

I stared, rudely and wondered should I speak.

What would I say?

I don't even like Coronation Street and apparently he left ages ago.

My friend knew the details.

He was written out after having an affair with a younger woman and leaving (the character of course, not the man in the clashing clothes sitting in Morrison's Cafe).

My coffee cooled too quickly and frothed around my lips leaving a taupe moustache.

I wiped it with my sleeve.

My friend had read he had changed careers.

He left the show to make cheese!

I choked and spat taupe froth widely.

My New Years Eve

No one was at fault but my New Year's Eve was awful - a total disaster. Probably the worst one I ever had. We had been invited to my sister in laws house and our best mates for a party and we normally go down our local pub. But this year we have 'Boy' so we decided to chose a place we could all go.
Unfortunately 'my other half' was what we call 'sick and bad' all day so I ended up going nowhere. He went to bed and I stayed up with 'Boy' until he went to bed and then I curled up on the settee watching 'Love Actually' again, eating from a huge box of chocolates and drinking a far too strong Pernod. My mobiles recieved loads of messages from people wishing me Happy New Year.

And I wanted to cry - I wanted to cry for missing out on my family and mates down the pub, for getting drunk (which I don't do often - yeah you cry but it is true) and laughing and singing and being happy stupid and kissing people at midnight and not caring about any of it.
In fact I didn't need to sit on the settee wallowing because I could have called up the stairs to let 'him' know I was going out and driven down the pub to have a good time. I could have stayed sober and had a good time.
It would have been fun.

My lesson learnt - stop being sorry for myself and take action - I didn't need to sit feeling lonely and unhappy as my mates would have been pleased to see me - I need to understand that I am loved as I love others (in a friendship sort of way of course) - I will be always be happier regreting what I did than regretting not doing it (if you see what I mean).

The only good think about the evening was I got to text with JC about how creative we are going to be next year (us and Luna). Proper plans being made for writing and blogging and putting work out there.

Watch this space.

Cheesy Fudge

i

On the top shelf of the fridge sits a neatly wrapped greaseproof parcel, carefully enclosed

with the ends tucked in like a precious gift
or an illegal substance.

Every time I open the door to select the milk
it calls me.

I stare and stare. My internal conversation fighting the urge to eat,
fighting the urge to taste just one bite,
of the perfect little blocks of:

ii

White creamy cheesy
sticky sweet squares
that squishes and squashes
in between my finger tips
before bouncing back
to whole cubes of heaven.

And fail.

iii

I bite
leaving a
perfect mould
of my molars.
Buzzing sweetness
fills my mouth.

Sweetly cheesy
Sweetly lovely
Sweetly fudgy
Sweetly naughty
Creamy cheesy fudge.

Dedicated with thanks to JC
By Dix