On Worry

I have always realised I am a terrible worrier. But I have never been sure if it is something I have developed or something I inherited. I know both my parents were a bit anxious (sometimes) but was never aware of them being over anxious and worried when I was a child.

I want everything to go well; for me and those around me. I want to feel like I am achieving; that I am making a difference at work and at home. And yet I know this is silly really. Why does this have to be - it is OK to just muddle along and be. It is OK to just work, pay the bills and have a good time. It is OK to sometimes be angry or ill or unhappy as long as you are happy and contented and well most of the time. I know these things.

At the moment I have a pain - in my side sort of tummy area (and that is how good I would be describing it to a doctor). It is niggly at the moment, making me stiff and catching my breath. Lets be honest it could be just a little bit of wind (it could also be a side effect of taking the Acia berry), but last night I layed in bed and proper fretted over it. In my mind it was something really bad and I would have to go into hospital and have an operation etc etc. So instead of having a good nights sleep I worried about something and nothing. And this morning I still have the pain, although it is bearable just annoying and nothing has happened and probably tomorrow it will be gone as quickly as it has arrived.

It is like I need something to worry about. I really don't - I have enough real problems that should be enough for me. Sometimes I wonder if I just have a drama queen personality or that I just can't stop worrying about stuff.

I would so love to have a worry free day - just relaxing doing whatever I want and not worrying about anything. Wouldn't that be great. Am I capable of it - probably not but it would be great to give it a go (with out the use of drugs or alcohol or anything else), just let my mind relax and forget it all.

I think it is something I should work towards - don't you.

Dix

Nothing Much

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.

The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.

The meaning of life is not an unquestionable answer; it is an unanswerable question.

A hundredload of worry will not pay an ounce of debt. (this is really relevant for me!)

if we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.

When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target.

You'll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart.

Daily

Laughter is an instant vacation.

You willnever find time for anything. If you want time you must make it.

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.

Dix

Loved

It felt good for a while.
Just for a moment.

It felt right.
It felt like the right thing
just for a while.

It made me feel
just for a while.

It made me feel nice.
It made me feel
like a woman.
Just for a while.

Just for a while
I felt loved.



June 2010

Thursday 4th March

1969 - The Kray twins Ronald and Reginald were found guilty of murdering John McVite.

Now I remember this being big news, mainly because my Mum used to say how some of her family still lived in the area and had met the Krays, mind you she also said that they were bad people - so one of those strange claim to fame conversations.

Swallow your pride occasionally: it's non fattening!

Nothing, repeat nothing is non fattening - believe me I know - I am sure even the fresh air is fattening - or is that just my excuse because I eat too much. Hmmm.....

It's wednesday

In 1982 the opening of London's Barbican Centre for Arts and Conferences.

Never been there probably never will!!!

Hope never abandons you: you abandon it.

I know where this is coming from. A couple of weeks ago I really felt like I had no hope left. It was a horrible dark feeling, one that I had experienced before but in different circumstances. I know that my illness is about the loss of hope, I know that sometimes the medication made me lose hope but this time I felt I wasn't really ill, although knowing I had to fight hard to make sure I didn't slide back down that slippery slope, and I know it wasn't totally my fault. I still have to fight hard against the feelings that somehow this is my fault, that I am being punished for something I have done, for being a bad person. (JC tells me this is a normal feeling) but still hard to overcome. When the post arrives and more bills and demanding letters arrive, I find myself trying to identify why I am a bad person. In reality, sensibility tells me that I am just a fool with money, that we haven't planned, haven't been careful and sensible and so this is our punishment and probably rightly so. We are what the Victorians would call 'feckless and reckless', and destined for the workhouse. But I also now that with fight, and gumption and backbone and lots of lots of determination anything is possible. So that is where I am now - fighting , planning, trying to control money (even if a tad too late) and hoping, yes really hoping I can be strong for the future and hoping that I will find a way out of this mess. And it is hope that makes it feel ok.

Tuesday 2nd March

1970 - The Prime Minister of Rhodesia Ian Smith, declared his country a republic.

I remember this, I don't think he really wanted to do but kinda had to. Things were changing in the world and Rhodesia couldn't stay the same, although South Africa hung on for a while. I think it was a really good thing but something is nagging in the back of my mind? Maybe I should look it up.

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

Hmmm, don't think so - isn't that just being a coward - if someone needs to hear the truth then I believe it should only be said with love and then you stay to listen to their opinion and be prepared to be wrong. Or you say it to someone you dislike and stand there to watch the fall out. Or maybe you just run!

**********

On a personal note today is my nephews 40th birthday and god it is making me feel old. I will say I was only 8 when he was born (so now you know how old I am) but I remember he was such a lovely little boy - so gentle and really beautiful. Don't get me wrong he is still a good person, a nice man and a good father. (And he hasn't had the easiest of lives so even greater to him than man he has become) but wow it has just made me feel really old. It will only be a couple of years and my eldest will be 30 - should I take to my bed now??

Mind you it's my 50th next year - hope I am here to celebrate it.

The first of the month

AD 589 - the death of St David, patron saint of Wales.

I'm not Welsh, don't think I even have Welsh relatives so this information doesn't really impact on me. Only thing I can say is that the Welsh are very patriotic, like the Scottish and probably the Irish and as an English person I envy that. They seems to be able to identify who they are and I am sure with today's changing world this helps a lot. I wish the English could find a national identity (a healthy one not National Front (right wing) type one. I am convinced it is because our national dance is Morris Dancing - a who the hell wants to admit to that!!!

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I am not 'down' with this one either - surely the whole point of being drunk and saying silly things it the fact that you don't have to stand by them when you are sober.

M☻g

Daily Info

Friday 26th - 1993 a bomb exploded under the World Trade Centre, killing six people and injuring many.

I feel I should know more about this - I remember it obviously, but no detail. I think I should know more.

If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?

All I can say to this is - What a load of ********

27th - 28th - 1824 the birth of Frenchman Charles Blondin, who crossed the Niagara Falls by tightrope.

I think there has just been a documentary about this on TV, must admit I didn't see it. Think it must have been interesting just to know why he did it?

Luck is when opportunity knocks and you answer.

I think this is true but wonder if you ever get to know if you forget to answer it, or miss it or is it just an opportunity that passes us by that we never know about. Hmmm....

Wed & Thurs

24th - 1955 More than 70 British roads were blocked by snow during the 'Big Freeze.'

Instead of counting your days, make your days count.

These sayings are so helpful, not, sometimes life is about counting days and others about days that count . I am not sure which is me at the mo - I think trying to make the days count.

25th - 1972 British miners voted to end their crippling 7-week strike.

I remember this time so clearly. As a very young, but already gaining Socialist ideals this felt like a terrible defeat. It felt like things were going to change forever. Somethings needed to - some Unions were using their power as badly as politicians but it was sad to see honest working men defeated, families broken and the understanding the whole communities would change forever. And it did change politics forever, I think this was the point when money, power, corruption all that is bad in our country took over. When banks didn't care about customers anymore, when money became king. It meant Margaret Thatcher could happen. Not good, not good.

We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.

Unfortunately this is so true - in both a wider and a personal context. I think it should also say 'and so we suffer the consequences from our inability to learn from history.'

22nd and 23rd

22 - In 1979 the Caribbean island of Saint Lucia became independent from the United Kingdom.

This is something I feel I should know about - I am definitely old enough to remember it in the news but must admit it 'rings no bells'.

Forever is composed of nows.

I quite like the idea of this - as if every moment matters, each tiny second, each minute. It is an optimistic view point and one I feel I should be adopting.

23 - 1820 - London police exposed a plot to murder George IV's cabinet ministers.

Hey someone definitely had the right idea in the 1820's.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.

I had a good laugh about something yesterday, can't remember what is was but do remember feeling like a load had lifted - strange isn't it. We should all make a real effort to laugh more, to find humour in our life - it feels good for the soul.

Why do I keep blogging this stuff?

Thursday 18th - 2005 fox hunting with dogs became illegal in England and Wales.

And if you believe that you believe anything - please don't get me started on this issue. What the hell make us so bloody barbaric!!!!

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.

This is so true - I have trouble with my feet and sometimes the pain is really unbearable - crippling actually. It certainly does make you forget any other worries. Perhaps I should bind my feet then I wont worry about anything else.

Friday 19th - Serfdom was abolish in Russia.

I must admit I really have no idea what this means. Would just say that what ever name you give it slavery definitely still exists and is around us all the time.

Go the extra mile. It's never crowded.

Um, maybe, maybe not. Think where I am going there is not going to be much room to breath.

Sat 20th/Sun 21st

20th - birth of American landscape photographer, Ansel Adams

Strange thing is I think I know who this is. I love photography and I love looking at the historical books around photography. I was lucky enough to do some great research during my time at Uni and some of the works I found around poverty and destruction just blew me away. Hope to continue with my photography sometime.

Improvement begins with I.

Don't you just hate these sayings. I've always thought 'I' just begins with being self centred and selfish but hey maybe that is a successful strategy to life.



Why do I blog quotes and sayings - because at least it is doing something, making my mind think and putting something on-line. Not much, not very interesting but something. I have something to put in my writing diary and sometimes it gives me inspiration for other ideas and for creativity.

And at the end of the year I will have lots of entries on my blog.

Tues & Wed

Tuesday 16th - 2005 The Kyoto Protocol came into force, addressing climate change.

And has that been a huge success??

In today already walks tomorrow

I find this idea a bit worrying, lets get one day over before we start a new one.

Wednesday 17th - 1867 the first ship passed through the Suez Canal

I remember watching a program about how many men died during the 'building' of the Suez Canal - it was very sad.

It's easy to make a buck.

It's a lot tougher to make a difference.

It ain't so easy to make a buck - believe me - and even harder to keep it.

Make a difference to who???

More useless blog information

Friday 12th - 1809 the birth of pioneering English naturalist, Charles Darwin.

It seems unbelievable but his anniversary last year proved that this could still be a contentious statement.

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.

Saturday 13th/Sunday 14th - in 1984 (14th) British ice dancers, Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean, triumphed at the Winter Olympics.

I remember this being a big deal at the time but I just couldn't get into to it. I remember watching it and thinking OMG this is so boring. Don't mind a bit of ice skating on TV now although don't go out of my way to watch it but I do understand the importance of a British Gold Medal at the Winter Olympics and how it makes everyone feel good. Anything that makes everyone feel good in these times has got to be great.

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.

At the moment my whole life feels like this!!

Monday 15th - the birth of Clare Short, British Labour politician, in Northern Ireland.

She is someone I feel I should know more about - is she a good and worthy person or just another 'dis-honorable' MP. I seem to remember she left under some sort of cloud but was that because she acted badly or because she went against policy - hmm, maybe I should find out.

We should give meaning to life, not wait for life to give us meaning.

At the moment I am trying to understand what meaning my life has. I feel like I am being punished for being a bad person yet what have I done that is so bad. I am worried I am going to mess up for 'boy' and worried who is coming to demand money next and worried what is going to break next - including material and health - and just worried to be alive. This is not a good state to be in and all I can do is try and concentrate on being a good carer for 'boy', keeping myself mentally and physically healthy and just getting through each day - I find myself looking for a sign to show me what I have done that is so bad so at least I can learn. I guess I must already know but just don't want to hear it. Oh well at some point it will smack me straight in the face and then I will know if I am strong enough.

Another self-obsessed day - no I not going to let this happen - just let it all out on my blog and then keep going. I think it is ok for my to be a 'sad sack' on my blog - although I think even the few readers I have will get sick of it and move on - or tell me to 'get over it'. Both is ok, both will help me in some way. Blogging helps me in someway.

Today and yesterday

11th - King Henry VIII was recognised as supreme head of the Church of England.

10th - In 1940 the premiere of the first Tom and Jerry cartoon, Puss Gets the Boot was shown.

I wonder if it had that spooky odd human figure with the brush screaming at the mouse! She made a kind of echoey sound that always scared me a little when I was a child.

11th - He who gives when he is asked has waited too long.

Hmmmm, for someone who works in the care industry I can see the fatal flaw in this statement, sometimes enabling people to ask for help is more important than the actual help. Otherwise what feels like help becomes interference when really what should be offered is support - support to enable the individual to do what they want or need.

10th - Wherever a man turns he can find someone who needs him.

I wish this statement was true. I am lucky that for me and my circle it is true but I suspect that for many people in the world it is not true and that is why they become lost and lonely. Missing people in the midst of us.

It's Tuesday

Apparently today in 1960 the first star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was for American actress Joanne Woodward.

I can hear so many people under 30 years old going - who????

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.

There are some days when all my thoughts feel big and as such they will not allow me to relish small pleasures. Luckily last couple of days I have remembered why I love walking the dog on the beach, searching the waves for a following seal and hoping to meet my dog walking friends. Will it continue, probably not.

Monday 8th

In 1952 Princess Elizabeth formally proclaimed herself Queen Elizabeth II of England (of England really I suspect it might not be just England) Do you think this calender I am using might be trying to cater for many nationalities?

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.

I really wish this was true - maybe just once in a while. Sometimes it feels like we are just little ants in an ant farm controlled by people much more powerful and much richer. Wish I was the little rebel ant with a tiny little ice pick to smash through and release all the prisoner ants.

But then what would we do? Be responsible for our own destiny or just turn on each other???


Hmmmm....

Catch Up

2nd

Today 1882 the birth of Irish writer, James Joyce

Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious

Sometimes it feels pretty serious!!!
Ps I tried to read some James Joyce and just couldn't get into it. Any advice on what to try

3rd

In 1809 the birth of German composer Felix Mendelssohn

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge


I tried to forgive someone who was really unkind to me once, but deep down just couldn't and still hope that what comes around goes around!!

4th

In 1913 the birth of America’s Rosa Parks, the mother of the civil rights movements

In the book of life the answers aren’t in the back

Where the hell are they then?

5th

In 1919 United Artists, the pioneering American film studio, was launched.

Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative

Hum, depends how you feel sometimes

6th & 7th

In 1685 James II of England and VII of Scotland succeed his brother, Charles

The first wealth is health

I must be bad cos I want the first and the second

An angry day

Yesterday, Monday, I was angry. I felt betrayed and very angry. And the trouble is I can't really go into here. Maybe later. But just to say and very long string of swear words (with nothing else in between) and a trying to be calming conversation with JC really didn't help. But I will think on it and see if I can find a answer!!!

On Monday 1st Feb in 1896 the world premiere of Giacomo Puccini's opera, La Boheme was performed in Turin.

It's on my bucket list that I would love to see an Opera in full. I must admit our local city theatre does have full length good quality opera being performed so it wouldn't be too hard to tick this one off - maybe this year if I save up hard (and as long as Take That aren't touring!). Must get my priorities right.

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

See above. Yesterday I lost lots of 60 seconds and I am still not sure about how many I will lose today.

Boy has a annual review today, lots of social workers coming to my house, talking in letters and making judgements on him from little snippets of information. Trouble is those little snippets are mainly written about the negatives and not great big hulks about the positive. I feel it is my job to focus on the positive and make that totally over balance the negative. Because that is the truth of him.

And finally - a little bit of politics......

Did anyone notice this week - I would not be surprised if you didn't because it was glossed over fairly quickly - that two MP's had appealed against their expenses claims and had won. So even though they had mad extortionate claims, then been caught out - publicly - all they have to do is appeal, say we didn't really break the letter of the law and hey presto - you can have the money and all is sweet and dandy. Is that how it works? Well is does for MP's, it does for those with power and lots and lots of money already. Because in my mind MP's don't have to think about what is morally correct, they don't have to worry about how millions of people are struggling like hell just to live on less than they claimed for a bloody duck house, they don't have to worry about real people because they have money and power. Our MP's call themselves honorable, the Right Honorable etc etc. I personally would like to have that term removed from there title because man or women, whatever ever their race, creed or age there is nothing honorable about our politicians.

They will be coming around soon -telling us what they have achieved, making promises that they don't even intend to keep or that they will pass a law that looks like it is doing the right thing but is so half arsed that it is not worth the paper it is written on (eg fox hunting) and holding babies. I hope to god they don't come to my door or they just might have an conversation!!!!!!!!

The weekend 30/31

Before I post up my facts and quotes I just wanted to say 'how the hell did we get to the end of January already'. I can truly say it has not been a great month for me - in fact it is pretty awful. And I think things are only going to get worse but I am sure there will be an end to it all - somehow. At the moment I bounce between worse possible scenario eg losing home and just about everything (which ain't such a lot) and then bouncing back to hoping that we can be saved somehow and hold on to our home. Of course I know that in this country being a white, British working person (apart from an MP who claim anything, get caught, appeal and it is all OK again!) isn't such a good thing in terms of being helped (and I am sorry if that is prejudice and ignorant but hey that is how it feels) but I just hope we can be astute enough to understand and play the system and hope we come out the other end relatively unscathed. At this moment I think the odds of this happening are pretty low.

I realise that a lot of this is our fault, (although I am in the terrible position of not actually knowing the debt my husband was running up). Well I knew some of it but not the terrible truth. But the truth is if the recession and constant stream of cheap immigrant labour hadn't happened we would have been able to pay our bills. And then of course my husband's health has failed and hey, well basically we're screwed. But I guess we are what the Victorians would have called feckless, and useless and destined for the workhouse - not sure what 21st century workhouse equivalent is but think I am going to find out.

Anyway sorry but I think today I just needed to rant. I guess I can't really talk to anyone how I feel about it. I am angry and frightened and I feel stupid and I guilty - like I deserve this and I can't talk to 'him' as he just wont dealt with it or talk about it. I am not sure where this leads us but not in a good place I guess. So my blog gets it -warts and all.

****************************************

On the 30th January 1965 former Prime Minister and World Leader, Sir Winston Churchill, was given a state funeral.

I think I vaguely remember this - it was a big deal on the TV and I remember sitting and watching bits with my family. I would have been nearly 4 years old so I guess it could be a real memory.

He is rich or poor according to what he is, not according to what he has.

God I hope this is true although I don't feel very 'rich' of soul at the moment.