Monday, 23 June 2008

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog.
It's been a long time since I did anything creative
and my mind is struggling under the need
to tell the stories hidden there
to live in world of my own making
and paint and draw
badly.

I have been reading alot, but in little bites as if my concentration has gone back to pre degree length of not very long. Everything is not very good at the moment. I am lonelier than I have ever been, feeling unloved and very alone. After 27 years my relationship is over. I think we have both known for a while that it is not so good but hearing it come out of both our mouths is painful.

And who can say what the future holds. Poverty - definately. Homelessness - I hope not. Lots of alone time - how will I cope? Loss of friends - couples get invited - singles don't. Finding new friends - could be fun or a complete mine field.

I have never really been physically alone - lived at home then left got married etc. But I have been alone lots I just always had the trappings of company - if that make sense. I have my children but not sure I have such a good relationship with them or maybe I did the right thing and let them go off into the world and live their lives. Wish we were closer - emotionally and with my youngest physically but I know that I love them and hope one day they will come to understand me better and I them. Does that come with old age?

Anyway the last few months have been strange. I feel very angry with the world. Sorry gonna talk politics. Where shall I start? The price of petrol. It is so expensive I got myself an electric bike. It is brilliant and fun but the truth is I can only afford one tank of petrol a month. This is making it very difficult to go and see my daughter and friends and visit interesting arty places and events. And why is petrol so expensive? We are told because crude oil is expensive but why have the oil companies been allowed to make the biggest profits they have ever made? Because politicians don't care. And very rich people are making lots of money. The working people have to just pay up and shut up. And bigger and bigger profits are made and life gets harder for the working person.

And then there is the two wars. This country makes money out of war (or the very rich do and yes I have read Micheal Moore) and other people die. How many now - hundreds but that's ok as that pompous Coronel said 'It is for the greater cause.' Well sorry - BOLLOCKS - there is no greater cause. Young people are dying for old men. Young people are dying for oil and politics. This is not right. This is so wrong. And yet it will continue and nothing will change until these wars stop making powerful people money or things get so bad at home the powerful people have to stop. But it will only be for a while.

Then there is the price of food. My favourite margarine is over £4 a tub. £4 for a tub of margarine - that just madness. (I know I sound like a really old person but come on £4 for a tub of margarine - what is going on?) Another powerful person, was it the Head of the Bank of England told us we have just got to live with it. Put up with the price rises and not ask for more. Come on - a £4 pot of margarine probably does not mean much to him on his at least 6 figure wages (probably in reality much more). I earn just over 10 grand - guess what a £4 pot of marg means I can't have it any more, £1.25 for a loaf of bread means I have to have a cheaper and less quality alternative, £5 a gallon petrol means I can't see my friends and family, £7+ for prescriptions means I have to go without until the next pay day etc etc.

So people say at the next general election vote for someone else. Who? They are all the same just in different colours. Self serving. What is wrong with politics - polititians! They will give themselves a pay rise next year, they will keep claiming expenses for their friends and family and then justifying it - ha - and we will keep putting up with it. They are on 6 figure wages, what do they care about me.? Why should they? Once we put them there they have all the power and don't care about the ordinary person anymore. What would I do about it?
Nobody should vote!When the next election comes - just stay away - in our millions. Make the outcome a complete farce.
Vote for the 'Don't vote for politians party!!!!'.
At least this would be more truthful than the current farce of politics and it might be more truthful to democracy - although I hate using that word in the same sentence as modern politics. It sickens me.

Anyway enough you say - ranting, ranting, ranting. I know but I just wanted to say these things even if no one ever reads them. It makes me feel better. Oh my god am I a female Victor Meldrew or just a grumpy old woman. Who knows - who cares?

1 comment:

Roses said...

The first few months after the breakdown of a significant relationship can only be described as SHITE.

Being told it gets easier with time, just made me want to hurt somebody. I coped simply by doing one really nice thing for me every day. It doesn't have to be expensive, or time consuming. It can be as silly as you like. Just do something that makes you smile. I like walking. Taking pictures. Having long showers with Boots finest pamper stuff. Nail polish.

Keep writing sweetheart. It keeps you sane and you do it well.