It's wednesday

In 1982 the opening of London's Barbican Centre for Arts and Conferences.

Never been there probably never will!!!

Hope never abandons you: you abandon it.

I know where this is coming from. A couple of weeks ago I really felt like I had no hope left. It was a horrible dark feeling, one that I had experienced before but in different circumstances. I know that my illness is about the loss of hope, I know that sometimes the medication made me lose hope but this time I felt I wasn't really ill, although knowing I had to fight hard to make sure I didn't slide back down that slippery slope, and I know it wasn't totally my fault. I still have to fight hard against the feelings that somehow this is my fault, that I am being punished for something I have done, for being a bad person. (JC tells me this is a normal feeling) but still hard to overcome. When the post arrives and more bills and demanding letters arrive, I find myself trying to identify why I am a bad person. In reality, sensibility tells me that I am just a fool with money, that we haven't planned, haven't been careful and sensible and so this is our punishment and probably rightly so. We are what the Victorians would call 'feckless and reckless', and destined for the workhouse. But I also now that with fight, and gumption and backbone and lots of lots of determination anything is possible. So that is where I am now - fighting , planning, trying to control money (even if a tad too late) and hoping, yes really hoping I can be strong for the future and hoping that I will find a way out of this mess. And it is hope that makes it feel ok.