Another sleepless night

I couldn't sleep again last night just hours and hours of restlessness surrounded by short hours of well, napping. By 5 am I got to that time when I am never sure whether to get up and just do something else or try and get some more sleep. I stayed in bed and haven't woken up until nearly 9 o'clock. I feel like I am wasting the days (although the weather is absolutely hideous so not sure what I can actually do with the day). Now I feel wasted, and low. I have that feeling that is imbedded inside of lowness - it will mean I am liable to cry at any moment and probably will.

I have decided to be a busy as possible today and then hopefully will sleep really well tonight. I have to as Friday night I work all night and have to stay awake.

Maybe it is having to stay awake one night a week that is doing this to me - I am not sure. Only one more month of one night a week then back to normal.

Lots of things going around in my head - and none of them constructive or creative.

But have started another book from my collection that feels like it is going to be a good read. That would mean the last 4 books I have read have been good (5 if you include my toilet book - Harold Pinter).

Upset

I have been really upset - my friends dog, Buster has been really unwell and I feel like it is my fault. Boy was throwing stones for him last Thursday and it appears he has swallowed one. He has been really poorly - it blocked his intestine and he has had a major operation. I can't help it but I feel like it is my fault. I should have stopped Boy and even though I did tell him I should have been firmer. I can't stand the idea that that beautiful dog, Buster should be hurt through any fault of mine. His owner John was obviously so worried and I felt so bad as if there was nothing I could do.

Walking on the beach was just horrible with out my dogs, Dobbie's friend, somehow I just didn't have the heart for it. I was so worried he hadn't got through the operation and also heard he wasn't eating - it was so awful. I just kept crying (which was a real show-up).

Anyway as I came home from my dog walk Buster came on his lead to meet me - it was so nice and he even had a little ham because he thought Dobbie was going to eat it. I can see how much weight he has lost but he is starting to wag his tale again and his eyes are bright and he was fairly 'Busterish' so hopefully all is on the mend. It doesn't help me from feeling really guilty though. Maybe I needed a really good cry - not that I feel any better for it.

Work was difficult last night - I felt kinda out of step with everyone and my foot began to really hurt again. I was glad to get home and really rest. Today I am going to go on a really long bike ride as I think physical activity might 'buck me up a bit'. I am a bit worried that the 'old trouble' is returning and that is really not a good thing. So much at stake that is not a good thing - boy being the most important. You can't be a guardian if your a looney.

Not really sure what I want to say

My sister in law and her husband have come home from Australia and I was really looking forward to seeing them. I have never been close to my in-laws, always feeling that they look down on me and that we are unable to connect. But whilst she has been in Australia it has felt like we were at least getting on and connecting in someway. But at the party it was the same old crap - her husband was pissed (as he always is when I see him) and he started on boy. For no reason other than he is a twit and an arsehole. I tried to get boy to come away but he wouldn't although I will say he tried to stand up for himself which is infact, totally useless when speaking to a drunken idiot. I found myself getting really angry with my husband - it is his job to defend boy against his family, not mine. And I am still angry with him over it. Just as I am still angry with him over loosing all our money and running up such huge debts. I wonder really if I will ever forgive him or we will ever be back to a nice normal way of life, if I will ever find any sort of happiness again.

I guess probably not - just this everyday existence to the end.

Harold Pinter

Democracy

There's no escape.
The big pricks are out.
They'll fuck everything in sight.
Watch your back.

March 2003


Oh how true - Harold Pinter knew what he was talking about even though he couldn't, in the end, make a difference.

Can anyone make a difference?

Bad news

I got a phone call from my brother last night with really bad news - my cousin has died. He wasn't even 40 years old. I can't say I was really close to him - I wasn't, although I saw him last week at his dad's 80 birthday party. It was obvious he was very dark and very low and now I wish I had reached out to him more. I did have a conversation for which I will always be thankful but he wasn't in any of the pictures as he spent most of the time outside. I don't know how he died but I suspect the worst.

It seems like all this bad stuff is going on around me, effecting me and I am keeping my head above water. But last night it felt bad, it felt awful.

Tonight I have to work all night - something I agreed to just keep some money coming in - I am not looking forward to it but has to be done but I am worried on how this will effect my mental health. I suppose this is what my life is about now, struggling with money, struggling with relationships and bad news and just keeping well and keeping going and trying to be creative.

Somebody asked me the other day if I was a 'glass half full or glass half empty' sort of person and I said I was a 'glass half full' but at the moment I am struggling with this and want to say 'my glass is not half empty it is bloody empty'. But hey I know others are having it worse, my uncle and his wife and their three other children for one.

Dix

At class last night

This is a piece of writing I produced at my spiritualism class last night. I feel it is linked to my friend’s loss and my feelings. Not sure what it means or if I should even try and work out what it means. All I know is it is about colours and pictures that came into my mind. Then I became part of the image and then it was just words in statements.

Orange, of fruit, ripe around us, juicy to yellow and black bees, buzzing from flower to flower, to create life then moving closer to home to be together, as one unit, working into the blue – horizon away from the security, away from the family, alone but excited, excitable. And cold but not bone cold, just skin deep, cool goose bumps on skin allowing the feeling.

Purple petals, large, soft, silky, untouchable petals that melt against finger tips into dust, leaving subtle stain that last forever.

Lightening rips across landscapes, alive, buzzing, electric – momentarily bright, illuminated then dark again.

The wind blows around my hair, face flapping as it stabs ends into my face – I brush it away and turn to make it stream behind, behind to red, fire flame red. A cold warmth sinking down, removing all the trees and flowers from image into red.

The green is gone
Long live the green
And bright red collars
Around my neck that
Simpers. Quietly moaning
Of life and death.
Quietly hoping of faith
And hope. Quietly.

Escape to freedom.

Deep felt sadness

I heard today that the husband of a friend has committed suicide. It is such sad news and has really rocked me. I knew that he had mental health problems and also they had marriage problems but you always hope that the 'darkness' will not be so bad that he feels the only option is death. It is at these time that I wish that I didn't understand but I do and seeing the terrible mess left behind I hope that will be enough to discourage 'bad thoughts' in the future. I feel the terrible pain of this children and wonder how this will affect them for the rest of their days - I understand my friends anger and sadness and guilt for what he has done and just hope they can all find a way forward, past funerals and paperwork, past recriminations and anger, past pain and tears and have a happy fulfulled and understanding future.

God be with them - God bless his soul.

Dix