Bad news

I got a phone call from my brother last night with really bad news - my cousin has died. He wasn't even 40 years old. I can't say I was really close to him - I wasn't, although I saw him last week at his dad's 80 birthday party. It was obvious he was very dark and very low and now I wish I had reached out to him more. I did have a conversation for which I will always be thankful but he wasn't in any of the pictures as he spent most of the time outside. I don't know how he died but I suspect the worst.

It seems like all this bad stuff is going on around me, effecting me and I am keeping my head above water. But last night it felt bad, it felt awful.

Tonight I have to work all night - something I agreed to just keep some money coming in - I am not looking forward to it but has to be done but I am worried on how this will effect my mental health. I suppose this is what my life is about now, struggling with money, struggling with relationships and bad news and just keeping well and keeping going and trying to be creative.

Somebody asked me the other day if I was a 'glass half full or glass half empty' sort of person and I said I was a 'glass half full' but at the moment I am struggling with this and want to say 'my glass is not half empty it is bloody empty'. But hey I know others are having it worse, my uncle and his wife and their three other children for one.

Dix

At class last night

This is a piece of writing I produced at my spiritualism class last night. I feel it is linked to my friend’s loss and my feelings. Not sure what it means or if I should even try and work out what it means. All I know is it is about colours and pictures that came into my mind. Then I became part of the image and then it was just words in statements.

Orange, of fruit, ripe around us, juicy to yellow and black bees, buzzing from flower to flower, to create life then moving closer to home to be together, as one unit, working into the blue – horizon away from the security, away from the family, alone but excited, excitable. And cold but not bone cold, just skin deep, cool goose bumps on skin allowing the feeling.

Purple petals, large, soft, silky, untouchable petals that melt against finger tips into dust, leaving subtle stain that last forever.

Lightening rips across landscapes, alive, buzzing, electric – momentarily bright, illuminated then dark again.

The wind blows around my hair, face flapping as it stabs ends into my face – I brush it away and turn to make it stream behind, behind to red, fire flame red. A cold warmth sinking down, removing all the trees and flowers from image into red.

The green is gone
Long live the green
And bright red collars
Around my neck that
Simpers. Quietly moaning
Of life and death.
Quietly hoping of faith
And hope. Quietly.

Escape to freedom.

Deep felt sadness

I heard today that the husband of a friend has committed suicide. It is such sad news and has really rocked me. I knew that he had mental health problems and also they had marriage problems but you always hope that the 'darkness' will not be so bad that he feels the only option is death. It is at these time that I wish that I didn't understand but I do and seeing the terrible mess left behind I hope that will be enough to discourage 'bad thoughts' in the future. I feel the terrible pain of this children and wonder how this will affect them for the rest of their days - I understand my friends anger and sadness and guilt for what he has done and just hope they can all find a way forward, past funerals and paperwork, past recriminations and anger, past pain and tears and have a happy fulfulled and understanding future.

God be with them - God bless his soul.

Dix

News, news, news

Firstly I didn't get any of the jobs I applied for (see previous post) and although I was initially upset that I didn't even get an interview I then though hey, maybe somebody is trying to tell me something. At the moment I am going to enjoy the summer holidays with 'boy', do a few hours at work (nights but only one so that should be ok) and write. If I see a job I really want then I will go for it if not I will at this time wait for inspiration. Maybe something will come up. I know that I should probably be more proactive and I understand that our financial situation means I should be looking for a good job but hey it will surely come with time.

Secondly me and JC and Luna and one other lady called N are going to get our work published. And I am now starting to feel really excited. It feels like it is really going to happen. I have to get my work together to fill 20 pages (approx a5) but feel that this will be great something to show people, something concrete to hold and keep me motivated. It is so inspirational to be with the others and putting our work together - to have positive motivating inclusive criticism (if you know what I mean) and to work with people who see me as a creative person first and all the rest of it second. We met up and talked writing and politics and religion and it was fantastic. The work showcased was amazing (JC's long poem is unbelievably good and so inspired) although I am a little jealous that she can create something like this is one go - even if I could it would take me weeks to create a piece of work like that.

So watch this space for news on our soon to be self published book - Cherry Picker.

Mog

Another job application

Another job application filled in - and handed in at the last minute (but just on time). On paper I have just about all that they are asking for. On paper I should be a good candidate. But will I get an interview - who can say. I hope so. Just have to move on to the next application.

Filling in endless applications can be soul destroying and monotonous but it has to be done.

We will see.

Not being paid- again

I got my payslip from Mencap early this month and what a bloody mess. They haven't paid me again. I know that I only work as and when and that my hours have to be input every month but it is so frustrating that when I really need the money like now I just don't get it. They already owed me 6 hours (which I have been owed for a couple of months) and now it just got worse. Those of you who know me, or have been reading my blog will know that I am not doing so great with money at mo so every penny counts.

We are hoping to have a very cheap but fun camping holiday - I have saved some money to go and was counting on my wages to help with the costs. And now no wages - and I am worrying how I am going to pay for the holiday.

Trouble is I really need a break - time away from home, from bills, from stress and worry. And I should be able to count on my wages when I have earnt them. I shouldn't have to beg for money I am owed. But seems like I so often am. I have got to get a job that pays every month and is regular and not too badly paid.

I feel angry and upset and worried and stressed and well thoroughly pissed off - and all I want is my wages. I cried at work when I told them about it as it has really upset me - I made plans that might just about work and now it is all well, buggered.

Life's just a bitch. Maybe I should check my lottery tickets - that will be another downer!!!

Mog

Last night

Last night me and JC went to a Uni do. She really didn't want to go and I kinda made her - which gave me a huge responsibility. Then all day I was thinking of ways of not going and in the end I just thought why I am so worried - just go say goodbye to the course leader and come away. So we went - with huge trepidation.

Anyway when I got there I felt ok. There wasn't anyone else from my year and it was a nice relaxed atmosphere. I spoke to my Visual lecturer, (and I think JC is actually right in what she said about him but that's another story), I spoke to the Course Leader and got to say thank you - and got to say that it really did matter and it really had made a major difference to my life and thank you, thank you, thank you. I spoke about football to the poetry guy and it was a nice night.

So we decided to go - our time was over - I even spoke to 'folder holder' but just hello but JC didn't (but that's another post).

Then as we were leaving two students turned up who we worked with and really liked, especially N and it was just like being back in the old days. So much creativity just oozing out of us - ideas and challenges and a definite push to get the Cherry Picker published (how great would that be). We sat for absolutely ages just talking ideas and JC looked so alive and so happy and it was just well, FAB. I got ideas for stories and was able to make promises to take work with me for a meeting next month to talk about our work and start putting it together for CP.

I am so glad I went. I am so glad it was so positive and brilliant. I have a positive closure and a way forward.

Just thankful I was brave enough.