At the moment I am on this roller coaster ride of pain. One minute I feel strong, I feel like I can do this, that somehow I can make it in the future and everything will be OK. The next I am afraid and weak. I want to see him. I want him to come around and tell me everything is going to be OK because that is what has happened in my life for the last 30 years. I am especially weak when I know he has to visit or I know he is seeing my daughter.
On the good days I feel strong - I feel like I can face everything that is to be thrown at me and in the future I will find happiness and kindness and love.
On the bad days I feel weak and ugly and think that I deserve this, that I was a bad wife, that I am a bad person and that I just can't manage without him. That if I just really promise the earth, if I just tell him how afraid and ugly and bad I am and that it was all my fault he will come back and I will be OK.
The truth is I don't really want him back. I really don't. Sometimes enough is enough. He has hurt me so much. If he had just gone off with some stranger it would have been more bearable but he left with one of my friends. Someone who I had been friends with for a long time. Neither of them give an absolute stuff about me and my feelings. They are selfish and nasty. Neither of them care what they have done to my family.
I know I can't go back because if I did I would not survive. I would lose myself completely. But I also know I hate that he is happy, I hate that they have done this to me, I want them to feel just a bit of the pain that I feel. I want to know that my future is going to be OK and that one day I will find happiness and feel loved in some way. I just want to feel good about myself.
I have already lost a stone in weight and hope this trend will continue. I know that being slimmer will help my confidence and help me feel better about myself. But I also know that my strength needs to come from a much deeper place than this. I know that in order for me to have the future that I need I will have to learn to love myself much more, I will have to be strong and confident and just give it all a go. I will have to take the bad (and I am sure there is going to be lots of bad) and move over it. Get through it.
At the moment I have good friends and my children have just been amazing. I know I can't go on leaning on them as I have but am grateful of the help at the moment.
The truth is it has only been 2 weeks and I shouldn't beat myself up for having these moments of weakness. I should except them and move on. I should not think I am a bad person for sending him a silly text saying I don't know if I can go on alone. Sometimes I will be weak but these moments will get further apart and each day will not start the with the same pain of loneliness and unhappiness. Somewhere alone the line I will find a way for me to survive without the constant pain.
So today I need to except I am only human, that I will make mistakes, that they have really hurt me and that sometimes this will show and that is OK. Some days will be bad and others will be better because I am only human. I really don't deserve what has happened to me and I must stop thinking that I do. Nobody deserves this. I have to give myself the compassion that I would give someone else.
I know some of this is easier said than done but I am gonna try.
Diana
2 comments:
The rollercoaster stage at the moment is to be expected. As is the crying all day and at any given time. And the invincible feeling.
All of this will settle down. In time.
I spoke of choices. You have choices in front of you. Whether you want them or not, is up to you.
Firstly, understand you have no control over what another human being does. You can bully, cajole, beg, pleade, whine and bribe...but ultimately, you can't make them do anything.
The only control you have is over how you behave.
Breathe deep, that's a tough one.
Your choices now, are about taking control back for you. As you can't change what he and your friend have done, what can you do for you?
You have a Life to build. Which means you have opportunities opening up in front of you. Opportunities for fun, for work, for pleasure, for a Life without anyone telling you...you can't, you musn't, you shouldn't.
You can choose not to accept the role of jilted wife. You can look around and decide how you want to handle things.
How you feel about him, however sad and angry and hurt and lonely...take a deep breath and put it to one-side for the moment.
Imagine the pain you feel, is like labour pains. At the end of it, you will have given birth to the baby of the someone YOU want to be.
You are getting rid of the restrictions of a 30 year marriage, the lies, the hurts, the betrayal. You can create something really awesome. Your Life can be exactly how you dream it. So dream with great care.
How are you going to live without him? You're doing it now. You've lived two weeks without the lying shit in your bed. Now think about living two more weeks without the lying shit in your bed and waking up with a smile on your face. Really think about that, and I bet it feels a damned sight better than the tears.
I would recommend any of the books by Paul McKenna. Think of it as an investment in your future happiness. He gives good, practical advice. He's not full of shit.
If you need help, talk to your doctor to see if there is counselling to be had. Find a counsellor who won't drag you through the shit, find someone who will challenge you to find out who you really are.
Dump the 'I'll learn to love me' crap. It's not helpful, really it isn't. By taking positive steps, you'll be taking back some control and building the Life you will be proud and pleased to live.
There, lecture over.
Oh yeah, and by the way...I have followed my own advice...more times than I care to count. That's how I know it works.
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