This is a very personal post and one I don't normally put on my blog but today I just have to write it down and get it out of my system as I feel so hurt.
Boy has done something (I can't go into details here) but just to stay it is pretty dirty and gross and he has done something like it before and we have talked about it and he has promised not to do it again - and yet he has.
I feel betrayed, I feel like I am being played - if he just keeps doing what he wants I will keep being nice, giving in and everything we go on as normal. I hear words come out of his mouth and I know they are lies and it reminds me of a friend, who has also been in care, who lies with everything she says. My family keep telling me I am too soft and he is playing me and sometimes I think they are right but other times I think I don't want to be that person who runs the home like a children's home, who treats him like a Looked After Child. And then he does this and I feel hurt and I feel beaten - like I have to be that carer who treats him like a Foster Child because that is the only way he can respond.
I was going to take away his computer consoles but I realise all that does it mean I have got to spend lots of time with him, and he will nag and moan and I will wish he was playing on his games. So I am going to handle it differently - he is going to keep his games and I am going to make him spend time on them - away from me. He has got to see how much he has hurt me; how much he has let me down again.
I have got to start making daily notes, thinking about reporting things back to the Social Worker; treating him like a Foster child because, at the moment, I feel like this is the only way he can respond.
It is not the way I want to live my life; but then neither is this - I feel like whatever I do I lose. Whatever I do - he loses.
Not a great place to be.
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