I am fifty next week.
At the moment I am really unwell with the most terrible cold bug that will not go.
Bringing up boy is much much harder than I thought it was going to be.
My friend has moved away permanently.
In fact I don't really have much in the way of friends at all. I have made a list for my party and lots of people aren't coming - uhmm - are they telling me something?
I can't get a job - even one that I don't really want.
I am fat - really overweight, probably the biggest I have ever been and this makes me feel valueless and ugly and useless. It is probably the reason I can't throw off this dam bug as well.
So where am I in life.
Every job I have ever had, even when I have really enjoyed them and more importantly been really good at I have left, got bored, fed up, felt I wasn't good enough and moved on - or tried to. Now I don't really have a job (well bringing up boy is a job but I ain't doing to well at that at the moment). I really want a job and I want to stay in it, be reliable (another thing I ain't too good at) and have a job that I can see and make myself have a future in.
How am I going to make this happen?
I think it is time to stop the dream. All my life I have wanted to write, think that I am good enough to write and be published. Trouble is even when I have the time I don't. I just don't. There is always an excuse. My life is full of excuses for not doing, for not being.
Well it has to stop.
I don't write, I only dream about it. Yes I went to University and got a degree in Creative Writing and what has that achieved. Basically nothing. If I really wanted to write I would, I would stop making excuses. I would stop using it as an excuse for not getting on with my life, getting a job and being a successful, useful person.
If I had a job that paid OK I could go and see my friend in Scotland, I could afford to get the things done on the car. I could do a bit more with my time outside work instead of sitting and dreaming.
Today the dreaming is stopping - I have to get on my life and leave it all behind. I think I will be happier for it. I know I will be happier for it.
Dix
1 comment:
I can tell you from experience that you won't be happier. You will have more money yes, and you will feel freer for a time. I found this only temporary. Without your dreams, more specifically, your writing you will die a little bit each day. The daily work that didn't feel too bad to begin with will weigh on you like carrying a lifeless body, it's weight pressing down on you so that all you can see is your feet shuffling along the floor.
I think you are right to some extent, you do need to stop just dreaming. You need to stop wasting your time dreaming and get doing. Your writing will not materialize just by your wanting to do it, you have to do it.
You are so lucky, knowing what it is you want, but you have to have the courage to go out there and get it. It is fear and insecurity that are blocking your path and they are not a valid reason to abandon your dreams.
Have faith in yourself, I know I do.
Post a Comment