Alone and blogging

I haven't really been able to blog for a while in fact there is so much in my life that I haven't been able to manage. I know I may have put this before but to explain my 30 year marriage ended 15 weeks ago now. He left me by sending a text message and ran off with one of my best friends. And it hurts so much. Every day I just hope it will start getting easier - and to be honest in some ways it is. I no longer want him back. I realise that what he has done is so bad and has hurt so much there is no going back. But still I wake every morning with them in my head and I go to sleep the same and in between I have moments of OK, moments of better than OK and moments of utter hell.

I ache inside, I ache with loneliness. I feel it like a pain. I know it is too soon to even be thinking about starting another relationship but I so miss having someone around. After 30 years, even though they weren't all good I so miss waking up beside someone, having someone to talk to, discussing the rubbish on TV, eating with and so on and so on. Some days I really believe that one day there will be someone else for me but most days all I feel is a great be empty hole of the future of being alone, of coping alone. And I absolutely hate it.

Today is a bad day, a really bad day - lots and lots of crying already, up at 5am because I can't bear lying there thinking of them, thinking of what they have done. I can't ring my friends crying anymore - I have had enough of me so I know they have. I want it to stop -I want the days to be better, I want to feel like I can cope with boy and just make a life for myself alone and not keep feeling like this. I know many many people live alone and they do just fine, they are happy and able to live their life to the full. I have done so many things to try and make this go away but it just wont. I am at college one day a week, I volunteer, I have got the house much tidier and have really cleared the clutter, I cook and I clean and I do the garden and I cut wood - lots and lots of things. But I still have so many days like today when I just feel so empty, so alone and can't stop crying.

I know if I just make myself then I should be writing - that may be the savour to my life - if I can write everyday and really get into it I might stop feeling like this but trouble is my concentration span is hopeless, my confidence lower than usual and my avoidance huge.

I have started to do some jogging, maybe physical exercise will stop the pain and help me continue to loose weight and help me see a future for myself.

So here is my first blog for a while and yes it is just me feeling sorry for myself - as another blogger puts it a proper visit from the 'self pity' gnome. I don't know if it will help but I have to try, I have to try anything to stop myself feeling like this. I know somewhere inside I have the means to move on but some days I just can't summon it up.

If anyone is reading this 'I am sorry' but if it helps me at all I am not.

dix

It's Official

It's official. I really have no clue what I am doing.

Today I am (well, I think I am meeting someone). I say I think because just at this moment I think it may not happen. Not sure why I think that, just have a feeling.

I am blindly getting on with my life. I still suffer every day. I still feel the pain everyday but hey, I am still here and I am still managing, well more than managing. So does it matter I don't know what I am doing - probably not. Maybe that is what makes life exciting. For once I have no certainty in my life. I don't know where I will be living next year, I don't really know what I will be doing, I don't know if I can manage Boy alone, I don't know if I will ever meet anyone else, I don't know if I can ever get over the betrayal, I don't know if I can ever forgive enough to get them out of my mind, I don't know if I can continue to pay the bills. I just don't know. In other words I am probably like the huge majority of people out there. I haven't a clue.

So here goes into another day - it may be good - it may be bad. It may be exciting or just plain ordinary. But here goes - here goes me who hasn't a clue.

And that is OK right now. It really is.

Dix

Big Bold Flowers with Them

Orange is gone,
long live the cream,
long live the Big Bold Flowers.
Flowers,
gold, green and brown.
Long live the darkened
contrasting curtains
that hang so eloquently ....

Sitting in between them laughing -
dying inside.
Wanting to run,
wanting to hide
but longing for fun and laughter,
longing to belong again?

My heads fuzzy,
my arms heavy from Pernod.
Knowing I have to stay,
knowing I need to stay.
Stay with them,
Free to be me with them,
Free to be me at last,
free to listen and learn and feel again.
With them.


Dix

With special thanxs to JC and your Big Bold Flowers and Luna - you are special, special people. Hope I can soon learn to be here for you again. Love Ya

Waiting

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

His return?

My acceptance?

I am waiting for my life to change.

I am waiting for change.

New horizons?

Fresh Beginnings?

Hope.

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

The pain to stop.

The hurt to subside

End.

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

His return?

My acceptance?

Hope.

Dix

Strength and Weakness

At the moment I am on this roller coaster ride of pain. One minute I feel strong, I feel like I can do this, that somehow I can make it in the future and everything will be OK. The next I am afraid and weak. I want to see him. I want him to come around and tell me everything is going to be OK because that is what has happened in my life for the last 30 years. I am especially weak when I know he has to visit or I know he is seeing my daughter.

On the good days I feel strong - I feel like I can face everything that is to be thrown at me and in the future I will find happiness and kindness and love.

On the bad days I feel weak and ugly and think that I deserve this, that I was a bad wife, that I am a bad person and that I just can't manage without him. That if I just really promise the earth, if I just tell him how afraid and ugly and bad I am and that it was all my fault he will come back and I will be OK.

The truth is I don't really want him back. I really don't. Sometimes enough is enough. He has hurt me so much. If he had just gone off with some stranger it would have been more bearable but he left with one of my friends. Someone who I had been friends with for a long time. Neither of them give an absolute stuff about me and my feelings. They are selfish and nasty. Neither of them care what they have done to my family.

I know I can't go back because if I did I would not survive. I would lose myself completely. But I also know I hate that he is happy, I hate that they have done this to me, I want them to feel just a bit of the pain that I feel. I want to know that my future is going to be OK and that one day I will find happiness and feel loved in some way. I just want to feel good about myself.

I have already lost a stone in weight and hope this trend will continue. I know that being slimmer will help my confidence and help me feel better about myself. But I also know that my strength needs to come from a much deeper place than this. I know that in order for me to have the future that I need I will have to learn to love myself much more, I will have to be strong and confident and just give it all a go. I will have to take the bad (and I am sure there is going to be lots of bad) and move over it. Get through it.

At the moment I have good friends and my children have just been amazing. I know I can't go on leaning on them as I have but am grateful of the help at the moment.

The truth is it has only been 2 weeks and I shouldn't beat myself up for having these moments of weakness. I should except them and move on. I should not think I am a bad person for sending him a silly text saying I don't know if I can go on alone. Sometimes I will be weak but these moments will get further apart and each day will not start the with the same pain of loneliness and unhappiness. Somewhere alone the line I will find a way for me to survive without the constant pain.

So today I need to except I am only human, that I will make mistakes, that they have really hurt me and that sometimes this will show and that is OK. Some days will be bad and others will be better because I am only human. I really don't deserve what has happened to me and I must stop thinking that I do. Nobody deserves this. I have to give myself the compassion that I would give someone else.

I know some of this is easier said than done but I am gonna try.

Diana

Keeping busy but...

There were times yesterday when I didn't hurt so bad. I kept busy, really, really, busy. I chopped wood and gardened and the front of the house looks a bit better. A long way to go but at least I now know it is do-able.

I was knackered. Actually sat in the chair and fell asleep. Another good thing really as I haven't slept like that for over a week and it felt OK to sleep because I was tired. But the trouble is as soon as I stop, as soon as I have a moment all the terrible thoughts just come back and I am eaten up by the pain and the anger.

I don't want to be but I can't stop my mind. I woke up the morning after a pretty good nights sleep and realise I was dreaming about her, about telling her what I thought, about telling her just how much pain she had inflicted on me. And it was awful. I don't want this to happen but it happens anyway.

Then I get up and I feel the physical pain inside. It is like grief and I guess I am suffering grief. A pain of loss. Yesterday I thought about the feelings I have for him. Guess I do still love him (or maybe it is just care for him a little bit). But we had 30 years together and even though he doesn't thinks so - most of the time it was good. We were friends, he was my support. We had good loving sex and were together. Now I don't have that anymore. He told me it is over and that is that but I just can't get to that point yet. I will I know I will but for me it is going to take a lot longer that just a week.

I realise that I shouldn't beat myself up about this. 30 years to a week - nothing. I realise it is OK to be frightened, even though things were bad he was still about, I still depended on him for a lot. These are the things I have to get used to. I can't ask him about cooking, I can't ask him to help with Boy, I can't talk to him about my beautiful girls. These things I can't do anymore. Yesterday I nearly texted him about where something was. I didn't. I get it - I can't anymore. And all day in my head I kept thinking about reasons to text him. I didn't. Instead I asked myself why I wanted to do this. And I guess the answer is above.

In my mind I know things will eventually get better for me (even though I suspect they will get worse first before they get better). In my mind I know that learning to be strong and independent will be a really good thing for me. In my mind I hope that one day I can find someone new and be loved again. Even if it is not a permanent thing. In my mind I hope I can bring up Boy on my own and do a good job. But at the moment my mind is also racing full of all the pain and suffering and the hurt. So there is a lot of competition in there.

And that competition is not always such a good thing.

Dix

On Worry

I have always realised I am a terrible worrier. But I have never been sure if it is something I have developed or something I inherited. I know both my parents were a bit anxious (sometimes) but was never aware of them being over anxious and worried when I was a child.

I want everything to go well; for me and those around me. I want to feel like I am achieving; that I am making a difference at work and at home. And yet I know this is silly really. Why does this have to be - it is OK to just muddle along and be. It is OK to just work, pay the bills and have a good time. It is OK to sometimes be angry or ill or unhappy as long as you are happy and contented and well most of the time. I know these things.

At the moment I have a pain - in my side sort of tummy area (and that is how good I would be describing it to a doctor). It is niggly at the moment, making me stiff and catching my breath. Lets be honest it could be just a little bit of wind (it could also be a side effect of taking the Acia berry), but last night I layed in bed and proper fretted over it. In my mind it was something really bad and I would have to go into hospital and have an operation etc etc. So instead of having a good nights sleep I worried about something and nothing. And this morning I still have the pain, although it is bearable just annoying and nothing has happened and probably tomorrow it will be gone as quickly as it has arrived.

It is like I need something to worry about. I really don't - I have enough real problems that should be enough for me. Sometimes I wonder if I just have a drama queen personality or that I just can't stop worrying about stuff.

I would so love to have a worry free day - just relaxing doing whatever I want and not worrying about anything. Wouldn't that be great. Am I capable of it - probably not but it would be great to give it a go (with out the use of drugs or alcohol or anything else), just let my mind relax and forget it all.

I think it is something I should work towards - don't you.

Dix

Oh so sad....... probably

I am beginning to wonder if I am a really sad person. Why? Well I expect some could find lots of reasons but today I am talking about Christmas. The thing is I really like Christmas. It is not that I am some altruistic hero or something but I love looking for and finding presents that I think are just right for people. I love it when people truly like what I give them or I visit their homes and find my present in pride of place. My friend H, told me that the paintings I got her for her Christmas and birthday are some of her most prized possessions. I loved that.

So already, and it is only the beginning of of June, I am amassing, for it feels like amassing, Christmas presents. Most weeks I find something, some little bit from the pound shop or a painting on ebay or just some little thing anywhere. Rummaging around for Christmas presents. Often these things are original, cheap or reduced but all are chosen with an individual in mind. When I buy them they make me smile; or think of my family or friends; sometimes they just seem perfect.

I have them all in a big box at the top of the stairs. I try to write things down as I get them but usually fail at this task. So spend a quiet half hour, every so often, sorting through them, remembering the emotion of buying them and listing them (in the vague hope that I won't buy too much for one person and not enough for another). I hate buying last minute. Or even worse buying the same thing twice -I have managed that in the past.

Am I sad for this? Maybe. Have I got the spirit of Christmas, if somewhat materialistic - not sure. Will I continue to do this? Yeah, I expect so, when finances allow.

I guess I will never change. Christmas is just my thing. I love decorating madly with lots of colour and sparkle. I hate 'designer Christmas' - colours, themes bla, bla, bla.

So am I sad? You tell me.


Dix

Ageing and Time

I remember when I was pregnant and when my children were very young that time really really dragged. I always seemed to be waiting for another time, or for visitors, or for the washing to dry, a TV programme to come on etc etc. It felt like each day went on forever and that my life would always be like that. I would wake up in the morning and find I had this everlasting space where I could take my time to get things done (or not), where the day stretched before me and the evening would slowly come.

I remember when I had a conversation with someone much older than me who said, 'enjoy love, it doesn't last - as you get older time starts to rush by and there is never enough'. I can't even remember who told me this but I remember not believing them. How could this be?

Now I am fifty and my life rushes by, I wake up in the morning always longing for a little longer in bed, even on the beautiful sunny mornings we have had recently. Then I get up and do the morning chores - I feed the animals and let the dog out for a wee, I empty the dishwasher and the washing machine and hang the washing out - rush to shower and wash my hair before hoping I have enough time to take the dog on the beach for a reasonable (or if I am lucky a long walk), before going to work, or out, or shopping, or hoping I can find time to do housework or reading or watch some daytime TV, or if I am really lucky maybe even do something creative.

And then the day is gone - I am home from work - often bloody tired - trying to find time to do the ironing and potter around the garden a bit, or sewing or reading etc, etc. And then I find myself longing for my bed (normally about now, and as I type this I am thinking if I go to bed early I might find it easier to get up in the morning).

And the day is gone, again.
And the week is gone, again.
And the month is gone, again.
And the year is gone, again.
And I find myself at 50 with time rushing past me uncontrollable and longing for a quiet time.

I suspect if I am still blogging at 60 or 70 or even 80+ then this might be a very different blog - it might be talking about how slow life is again. The days dragging forever, waiting to die (well I won't say that but that is how I might feel).

Dix

Going to the Tip

I know I have talked about this before on my blog but today I am taking a trip to the tip. Just really taking a couple of broken bits and garden waste - the thing is I have been putting it off for days and I was not sure why. I know the local tip can be very busy and sometimes you have to sit in the car in a queue waiting your turn but I don't think it is this that has made me reticent.

The thing is I have a bit of a magpie personality - I am not the worst but neither am I great. I collect bits - books particularly and I hate, I mean really hate things that are good going to the tip. If I get rid of anything useful I have to take it to the charity shop or it bothers me. It sits in my mind as wasteful thing to do. I am a bit 'anal' about recycling, I hate it when I see tin cans and bottles in ordinary bins when they should be in the recycling. I have sometimes gone as far as taking them out and putting them in a recycling bin - especially if there is one close. I know I nagged at college about people putting rubbish in the right bins. So when I get to the tip I mustn't look at all the really good stuff that is just going in the bin, garden furniture that is perfectly good but just might need a coat of paint, wooden furniture that is reusable or would make excellent fire wood, paintings, rugs, bikes and toys - the list goes on.

I just have to shut my eyes and get on with disposing of my rubbish.

Shut my eyes and not look at what other people are dumping.

Shut my eyes and not think about giving wasteful dumpers dirty looks.

Shut my eyes and not think about asking them for that perfect little wicker chair.

Shut my eyes and get on with throwing my rubbish away.

Dix

Mind you I might take some money and see what they have in the recycle shop - I'm looking for a hideous print to paint (long story and another post hopefully). Old habits die hard.

Off to the Dump

My task for today is to take stuff to the dump. Not very exciting I know but quite cathartic as it means more stuff is got rid of. I am probably making a mistake going on a Monday as I suspect lots of people will be queued up to dump their stuff after the weekend.

I have stuff that has been sitting outside waiting to be disposed of for a couple of months so getting rid of it will be a positive thing. Trouble is I think I feel like my life is a bit in the 'dump' right now. I can't get a job that I really want and just get rejected, rejected, rejected. I don't seem to be getting any where with my writing. Sometimes I sit down or just before I go to sleep and I have the most wonderful words inside my head but every time I try to write them down they just seem like crap - crap to be dumped.

I know I am feeling like this because I am struggling to get a job I want, something that has not really happened to me before, because I am being so lethargic about my creativity, because my mind is still full of worries about money and bills and how to find the money to get the car serviced and on and on and on. But somehow I have to snap myself out of this rubbish and get back to the positive.

I am 50 soon, something I am looking forward to, I have a job that is OK, the people I work for (with) are great just the cuts making it seems so depressing. I get pleasure from my work some days - more than some people can say.

So what have I got to do now; eat less, overeating is making me feel like crap, move more - I love my daily walk with the dog (about 1 1/2 walking) but maybe I need to exert myself more, write something, doesn't matter what but do it, sleep less and do more, be happy with my lot and optimistic about finding solutions to my problems.

Easy yeah?

Dix

Broken New Years Resolutions

I

I always make New Years Resolutions (NYR's) - normally the same old stuff, do more; lose weight; be more; write more; write everyday; get a better job etc, etc, etc.

This year I didn't do all those things - well I did in my mind but mainly I concentrated on two NYR's - one was to be more positive, more optimistic about life. I have tried really hard to do this and apart from when I have been feeling crappy and ill, have tried to keep to it. I feel better for although I still have to regularly remind myself, I like it, I life living life to the positive - it helps - it make life better, it makes life easier.

The other NYR's was to stop buying books. This was really about saving money. As anyone will know who regularly reads my blog, money is tight and in the main I have stop being a consumer - I have had to. But somehow I have kept buying books, normally cheaply new or second hand but was still regularly buying books. In fact I have a massive pile to read and keep thinking one day I will have the time and the energy to just sit and plough through them.

I have failed miserably. It is not yet the end of February and I bet I have purchased the best part of twenty books - some second hand (I am still indulging my passion for second hand poetry books), some cheaply new (the pound shop has some pretty amazing hard backs and I picked one up the other day that was actually signed by the author), some in the Supermarket where £4 can buy a good current novel and today I went to Waterstones and 'bloo' £25 quid on new full price and reduced books.

And you know what I don't feel guilty, I really don't. I love books, I love reading them, I love owning them, I love looking at them and touching them, I love talking about them - I LOVE BOOKS.

So I will continue to buy books (luckily my local town does not have a decent book shop so the opportunity for new books is not so often), I will continue to trade and sell my read books, I will continue to love them. I will continue to find new books, to find other people with the same passion to talk about them. I will continue to buy books.

For what is life without a good book?

Dix

The Case of Matching Underwear

Firstly I start this blog with a massive apology. JC I fully and completely apologise. I was wrong (as I often am ) and you should take absolutely no bloody notice of me in the future or ever again!!! Well certainly when it comes to clothing advice anyway.

When JC and I first became friends she used to say that she only wore matching underwear (sorry for putting too much info out there JC but need to for this blog!) and I thought it was well, very anal. What did it matter what was under you clothes as long as they were clean and comfortable. But I was wrong.

Recently I have purchased a couple of sets of matching underwear - nothing expensive and from Adsa but pretty and feminine. And there is the rub - wearing matching underwear makes you feel pretty and feminine. It makes me have that little smile inside when I think about it. I don't even mind too much at looking myself in the mirror in them. I think about my pretty underwear and I think about sex (in a good healthy way - I hope) and I think I am pretty, I am a women. This then leads to other positive thoughts. I do have a voice, I can have my dreams, I can get a job that I want. I have value. All from £9 worth of underwear you ask. But yes, it works for me.

As I walked the dog on the beach this morning, in my matching underwear (and believe me my dog walking coat, Deputy Daug hat and big black boots are not sexy at all - just warm) I thought about my mum who always used to tell us to wear clean underwear in case we had an accident. And it was a nice memory and made me smile. And then I smiled as I thought about my pink flowered bra and matching pants (even though I wanted to pull them out of my bum - I managed to ignore the impulse -well you do have to have some class even on the beach and anyway someone is always watching when you think you are alone).

So what have I discovered, that a simple thing like matching underwear can make me feel better, better about myself and then better in the world.

Matching underwear can help me be 'fortified by optimism'.

What I want to learn in 2011 is that the little things can make life alright.

The little things can make life good.

The little things can make life worth living.

Life has its ups and downs (2010 has felt like lots of downs and not enough ups) but I have learnt in January 2011 that wearing matching underwear can make me feel good. That wearing matching underwear can make life feel good. One little lesson for the month to help the world seem easier. Gotta help - hasn't it??

Dix

ps obviously I look nothing like the picture on my blog - it is just an illustration (and anyway I have never worn a thong although I am told they are comfy - think I will give them a miss for now, perhaps an experience for later in the year??)

Happy New Year

A new year and a new way of thinking - I hope. I know I try these new year resolutions and fail every year but this year I am just gonna try something simple. Being optimistic.

Life will get better for me if I just think it will. I am fortified with optimism.

I am so determined to start and keep writing. All part of the above.

Whilst I was a Uni we had a writer give us a talk (have to say I read one of his books and didn't think much of it - it felt like a poor copy of Ian Mckewen but hey he is published and he did give good advice). This was his advice that I have pasted up on my wall for years.

This was his advice that I share with you:

• have SELF BELIEF (it means more than everything - if you believe you can succeed you will).
• have SELF DISCIPLINE (that means write regularly)
• TALENT - I think this is something you are born with but you can definitely work at it
• WRITE EVERYDAY (that means everyday however much work you have, however tired you are)
• FIND A HOOK - BE MARKETABLE (not easy but helped by lots of reading, being aware of what is being published and what is being nominated and winning awards)

Good advice - all I need to do is follow it!!!!!!?????!

The Boy in the Stripped Pyjamas by John Boyne

In my opinion everybody should read this book. It was so well written, it tells a story through the naivity of a child when the reader realises the horror that is going on around him. The ending just made me cry although I had realised what was going to happen somehow it didn't matter that I knew I still wanted it to be different.

I hope schools will adopt this book - I hope many will continue to read it so that we don't forget what we as human's are capable of.

I will read it again - I will savour the words and yes I found it amazing research for writing a children's book. Not that I believe for one minute I could write a book like that.

Please if you haven't get a copy, beg, borrow, steal if you have to - but read it and understand.

Dix

An end of an era

My friend JC has gone. Moved on to her new life (training to be a secondary school teacher) and I am really pleased and excited for her. I know she has been stuck in a rut and finding it difficult to be optimistic about the future and that this is definately the right thing for her. Good Luck JC.

Trouble is I feel like I am left behind. Some of it is because of the life decisions I have made eg taking on boy and taking time out of work to help him settle in and adjust. (I don't regret this decision as he has needed that time and we have needed the space). But some of the things have happened to me eg my husbands financial mess, his health issues and general massive problems around money. Not being able to find a job as good as the one I had and not being able to fulfil any of my creative potential either through getting a job or managing to do more at home.

But just as I am sad and a little afraid with her moving on and not having anyone to attend 'creative events' with anymore I also realise that I have to take control for myself. I have to start writing everyday and make sure I make time for this, make sure I am brave enough to attend events on my own (although this will be hard with no one to bounce ideas off) and just make sure I get back into thinking creatively and being nicer to myself in lots of ways. This is in my hands - not anyone elses.

Boy goes back to school on Monday (a new school and we will all be a little afraid and need some support to get over this last hurdle) and hopefully 'him' will be signed off by hospital and be able to drive by Wednesday and then be able to really actively look for a job. But even if he can't find a job immediately (I have to believe he will find a job eventually or how can we keep going) that I will make time for myself, make time to read and to write and be myself. No excuses - I have to.

I am starting 2 courses in the next couple of weeks - a fostering one and a diet and health one. Both of these I hope will help restart my brain but also help me gain confidence in myself and what I have and am achieving. Only I can make this happen - only I can see the 'glass half full' again.

Wish me luck.

It's wednesday

In 1982 the opening of London's Barbican Centre for Arts and Conferences.

Never been there probably never will!!!

Hope never abandons you: you abandon it.

I know where this is coming from. A couple of weeks ago I really felt like I had no hope left. It was a horrible dark feeling, one that I had experienced before but in different circumstances. I know that my illness is about the loss of hope, I know that sometimes the medication made me lose hope but this time I felt I wasn't really ill, although knowing I had to fight hard to make sure I didn't slide back down that slippery slope, and I know it wasn't totally my fault. I still have to fight hard against the feelings that somehow this is my fault, that I am being punished for something I have done, for being a bad person. (JC tells me this is a normal feeling) but still hard to overcome. When the post arrives and more bills and demanding letters arrive, I find myself trying to identify why I am a bad person. In reality, sensibility tells me that I am just a fool with money, that we haven't planned, haven't been careful and sensible and so this is our punishment and probably rightly so. We are what the Victorians would call 'feckless and reckless', and destined for the workhouse. But I also now that with fight, and gumption and backbone and lots of lots of determination anything is possible. So that is where I am now - fighting , planning, trying to control money (even if a tad too late) and hoping, yes really hoping I can be strong for the future and hoping that I will find a way out of this mess. And it is hope that makes it feel ok.

Tuesday 2nd March

1970 - The Prime Minister of Rhodesia Ian Smith, declared his country a republic.

I remember this, I don't think he really wanted to do but kinda had to. Things were changing in the world and Rhodesia couldn't stay the same, although South Africa hung on for a while. I think it was a really good thing but something is nagging in the back of my mind? Maybe I should look it up.

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

Hmmm, don't think so - isn't that just being a coward - if someone needs to hear the truth then I believe it should only be said with love and then you stay to listen to their opinion and be prepared to be wrong. Or you say it to someone you dislike and stand there to watch the fall out. Or maybe you just run!

**********

On a personal note today is my nephews 40th birthday and god it is making me feel old. I will say I was only 8 when he was born (so now you know how old I am) but I remember he was such a lovely little boy - so gentle and really beautiful. Don't get me wrong he is still a good person, a nice man and a good father. (And he hasn't had the easiest of lives so even greater to him than man he has become) but wow it has just made me feel really old. It will only be a couple of years and my eldest will be 30 - should I take to my bed now??

Mind you it's my 50th next year - hope I am here to celebrate it.

Wed & Thurs

24th - 1955 More than 70 British roads were blocked by snow during the 'Big Freeze.'

Instead of counting your days, make your days count.

These sayings are so helpful, not, sometimes life is about counting days and others about days that count . I am not sure which is me at the mo - I think trying to make the days count.

25th - 1972 British miners voted to end their crippling 7-week strike.

I remember this time so clearly. As a very young, but already gaining Socialist ideals this felt like a terrible defeat. It felt like things were going to change forever. Somethings needed to - some Unions were using their power as badly as politicians but it was sad to see honest working men defeated, families broken and the understanding the whole communities would change forever. And it did change politics forever, I think this was the point when money, power, corruption all that is bad in our country took over. When banks didn't care about customers anymore, when money became king. It meant Margaret Thatcher could happen. Not good, not good.

We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.

Unfortunately this is so true - in both a wider and a personal context. I think it should also say 'and so we suffer the consequences from our inability to learn from history.'

More useless blog information

Friday 12th - 1809 the birth of pioneering English naturalist, Charles Darwin.

It seems unbelievable but his anniversary last year proved that this could still be a contentious statement.

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.

Saturday 13th/Sunday 14th - in 1984 (14th) British ice dancers, Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean, triumphed at the Winter Olympics.

I remember this being a big deal at the time but I just couldn't get into to it. I remember watching it and thinking OMG this is so boring. Don't mind a bit of ice skating on TV now although don't go out of my way to watch it but I do understand the importance of a British Gold Medal at the Winter Olympics and how it makes everyone feel good. Anything that makes everyone feel good in these times has got to be great.

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.

At the moment my whole life feels like this!!

Monday 15th - the birth of Clare Short, British Labour politician, in Northern Ireland.

She is someone I feel I should know more about - is she a good and worthy person or just another 'dis-honorable' MP. I seem to remember she left under some sort of cloud but was that because she acted badly or because she went against policy - hmm, maybe I should find out.

We should give meaning to life, not wait for life to give us meaning.

At the moment I am trying to understand what meaning my life has. I feel like I am being punished for being a bad person yet what have I done that is so bad. I am worried I am going to mess up for 'boy' and worried who is coming to demand money next and worried what is going to break next - including material and health - and just worried to be alive. This is not a good state to be in and all I can do is try and concentrate on being a good carer for 'boy', keeping myself mentally and physically healthy and just getting through each day - I find myself looking for a sign to show me what I have done that is so bad so at least I can learn. I guess I must already know but just don't want to hear it. Oh well at some point it will smack me straight in the face and then I will know if I am strong enough.

Another self-obsessed day - no I not going to let this happen - just let it all out on my blog and then keep going. I think it is ok for my to be a 'sad sack' on my blog - although I think even the few readers I have will get sick of it and move on - or tell me to 'get over it'. Both is ok, both will help me in some way. Blogging helps me in someway.