On juggling

I am 50 years old and trying to manage a home; a 13 year old Kinship Foster Child; numerous money issues; tiredness and work. Trouble is I am not always managing it.

Yesterday was a perfect example of this problem. I was due to work all day yesterday (Sunday), not something I would have normally chosen to do as the weekend is always a nightmare. But we are short staffed and I thought I could manage it. And sometimes I can. Trouble is we have just had a change of staffing and the previous manager got completely mixed up when I told her which days I am available and which I am not. My hubbie has every other weekend off, but not this weekend and instead of putting me on his weekend offs, she put me the wrong way around.

So I have to get a baby sitter. This is difficult at the best of times but sometimes nearly impossible. Yesterday was all sorted. My daughter was happy to come and sit with Boy. Don't know she had much planned but anyway all was safe and happy. What happened to make the plan go wrong? Her mother-in-law was rushed in to hospital with a suspected stroke (second one) and she had to go to the hospital with her partner - he needed her support and I totally understand this. Trouble was the phone call came through 1 hour and 15 mins before I had to got to work.

What can I do? I rang the couple of other people who sometimes help out. One was away and the other I couldn't contact. Oh dear. Panic, panic, panic. I sat and thought about. I know that I have to stay with Boy. He is and will always be my first priority. So I ring work and get a not so nice reception. I can understand why but it doesn't help.

So where am I now. Well I am an unreliable worker and will probably lose my job (it is only relief and I am very replaceable). I can't get another job because I flag up as reliable. I need the money from working, if only part-time, it pays lots of bills. I need to be a good reliable foster carer, parent, mother figure; wife; home keeper; finance manager; budgeter; and all round perfect person.

Yesterday I failed on all fronts. And what did it make me feel like - well pretty lousy really.

And how did Boy react - not 'Oh great we have the day together to so stuff' - No - instead 'Oh will there be enough money to go on holiday now?'

I almost feel like I am too old to be doing this stuff - like I am trying the juggling but every day something hits the deck.

No work today - thank god - just a day to relax and take time to do for me - stuff the housework, stuff the money management - I am blogging, watching daytime soaps and meeting a mate for coffee.

I am juggling for me.

Dix

Hurray, hurray, hurray

Yesterday evening the gas was delivered.

We have gas; we have heat and we have achieved a victory (kind of).

And we are warm throughout the house.

Lovely

Dix

Begging on the telephone 2

I kinda won.

I was so angry at the way the horrid little man on the other end treated me that I decided to take it further. I wrote to the Managing Director.

Guess what? Within 48 hours I had a nice man on the phone, apologising and accepting that we had done our best - accepting our position - yes. We are getting a delivery of gas - only half a tank but then that is all we wanted. Yes I have to pay more a month but I knew that anyway - I had offered that to the other little 'pratt' and that is not the word I used at the time but he wasn't having any.

Anyway the nice new man, who had the same first name as the horrid one, Adam, gave me his direct telephone number (another bonus as it is a 01 number not a 08 number so I get it free in my package) and told me any further problems to ring him again.

I feel empowered, I did the right thing by going straight to the top - should I have to - NO - but glad I did - no money doesn't mean I have no rights, I have no power.

It worked and I feel better and that it good - not sure where I was going if it hadn't worked, probably the local press to see if I could shame them into something.

Glad I didn't have to.

Dix

Broken New Years Resolutions

I

I always make New Years Resolutions (NYR's) - normally the same old stuff, do more; lose weight; be more; write more; write everyday; get a better job etc, etc, etc.

This year I didn't do all those things - well I did in my mind but mainly I concentrated on two NYR's - one was to be more positive, more optimistic about life. I have tried really hard to do this and apart from when I have been feeling crappy and ill, have tried to keep to it. I feel better for although I still have to regularly remind myself, I like it, I life living life to the positive - it helps - it make life better, it makes life easier.

The other NYR's was to stop buying books. This was really about saving money. As anyone will know who regularly reads my blog, money is tight and in the main I have stop being a consumer - I have had to. But somehow I have kept buying books, normally cheaply new or second hand but was still regularly buying books. In fact I have a massive pile to read and keep thinking one day I will have the time and the energy to just sit and plough through them.

I have failed miserably. It is not yet the end of February and I bet I have purchased the best part of twenty books - some second hand (I am still indulging my passion for second hand poetry books), some cheaply new (the pound shop has some pretty amazing hard backs and I picked one up the other day that was actually signed by the author), some in the Supermarket where £4 can buy a good current novel and today I went to Waterstones and 'bloo' £25 quid on new full price and reduced books.

And you know what I don't feel guilty, I really don't. I love books, I love reading them, I love owning them, I love looking at them and touching them, I love talking about them - I LOVE BOOKS.

So I will continue to buy books (luckily my local town does not have a decent book shop so the opportunity for new books is not so often), I will continue to trade and sell my read books, I will continue to love them. I will continue to find new books, to find other people with the same passion to talk about them. I will continue to buy books.

For what is life without a good book?

Dix

Haiku Again

This picture made me laugh - and I think explains why Haiku's can be hard.

Debt

Irresponsible

spending by plastic; crash is

inevitable.

Regression
iv>

Galaxy counters,

Spangles, Marathon, Opal

Fruits. All gone too soon.

I know, I know back to food again and I also know that both Marathon and Opal Fruits are still about but have just been renamed but they are not the same and they don't hold the same memories (if you know what I mean).

Dix

An end of an era

My friend JC has gone. Moved on to her new life (training to be a secondary school teacher) and I am really pleased and excited for her. I know she has been stuck in a rut and finding it difficult to be optimistic about the future and that this is definately the right thing for her. Good Luck JC.

Trouble is I feel like I am left behind. Some of it is because of the life decisions I have made eg taking on boy and taking time out of work to help him settle in and adjust. (I don't regret this decision as he has needed that time and we have needed the space). But some of the things have happened to me eg my husbands financial mess, his health issues and general massive problems around money. Not being able to find a job as good as the one I had and not being able to fulfil any of my creative potential either through getting a job or managing to do more at home.

But just as I am sad and a little afraid with her moving on and not having anyone to attend 'creative events' with anymore I also realise that I have to take control for myself. I have to start writing everyday and make sure I make time for this, make sure I am brave enough to attend events on my own (although this will be hard with no one to bounce ideas off) and just make sure I get back into thinking creatively and being nicer to myself in lots of ways. This is in my hands - not anyone elses.

Boy goes back to school on Monday (a new school and we will all be a little afraid and need some support to get over this last hurdle) and hopefully 'him' will be signed off by hospital and be able to drive by Wednesday and then be able to really actively look for a job. But even if he can't find a job immediately (I have to believe he will find a job eventually or how can we keep going) that I will make time for myself, make time to read and to write and be myself. No excuses - I have to.

I am starting 2 courses in the next couple of weeks - a fostering one and a diet and health one. Both of these I hope will help restart my brain but also help me gain confidence in myself and what I have and am achieving. Only I can make this happen - only I can see the 'glass half full' again.

Wish me luck.

Yesterday

Yesterday felt like it was going to be one of those days. I went for a walk on the beach which I enjoyed and met a new lady and her dog. Then I went to work (abit late as per usual). But on the way to work something happened. Entirely my fault but it just made me think again that only bad things seem to happen when we are down. When I think I have at last hit rock bottom - I haven't. And then all the old thoughts sat with me all day. Another bill to arrive - more trouble - the effect all this will have in the future. When life was good and money was ok these things didn't happen - life just rumbled along with the odd little hump and dip but now it is all mountain and valleys both of which seem to hard to climb or walk. And then I thought about where is my life going, my best mates from Uni are finding there futures (and so they should and I am really happy for them - they are young and have there whole life ahead of them whereas I am nearly 50 and still trying to find away), whereas I am returning to old jobs, old ways which I know are not fulfilling me in anyway. I search the job sites, I search the Internet for just a hint of inspiration but nothing just admin, admin, admin and a wealth of care jobs that I could apply for but they pay shit and I know I will struggle within them to feel fulfilled and happy. So I finished my first job and made my way home. I made my way home wondering how much more downward can I realistically take before it all seems like too much trouble.

And then nearing home I just looked up and noticed the sky was really blue. That beautiful blue of a happy summers day. And straight across the horizon sat this little pile of puffy white clouds, like little cotton wall balls all sat on a wall - very straight and very soft. And this made me smile and think of soft white towels after a bath; of clean sheets on the bed; of freshly iron t-shirts cuddly on the skin; of babies on sheepskin; of cuddly toys given in love; of hope; of love.

And as quick as that life didn't seem so bad. But why, all of the above first paragraph was true - my life still sucks at the moment; I am fearful; I am afraid of the future so how can a row of clouds change all that. I don't know how but I am thankful that I am at that stage where it can. Where a row of clouds can make me feel good; where a row of clouds can me me think creatively; where a row of clouds can give me hope. I am so thankful because when I am ill nothing can do this - nothing can intrude on my misery and give me hope.

In the evening I went to my other job - still feeling tired but feeling glad; glad my mate was working; glad I could laugh with her and the tenants, just glad I had some options. Yesterday I had the options to apply for two jobs and didn't know if I wanted either but at least I had the option and then I got a call to see about some other possible work so hey - maybe the clouds really worked.

Dix

The weekend 30/31

Before I post up my facts and quotes I just wanted to say 'how the hell did we get to the end of January already'. I can truly say it has not been a great month for me - in fact it is pretty awful. And I think things are only going to get worse but I am sure there will be an end to it all - somehow. At the moment I bounce between worse possible scenario eg losing home and just about everything (which ain't such a lot) and then bouncing back to hoping that we can be saved somehow and hold on to our home. Of course I know that in this country being a white, British working person (apart from an MP who claim anything, get caught, appeal and it is all OK again!) isn't such a good thing in terms of being helped (and I am sorry if that is prejudice and ignorant but hey that is how it feels) but I just hope we can be astute enough to understand and play the system and hope we come out the other end relatively unscathed. At this moment I think the odds of this happening are pretty low.

I realise that a lot of this is our fault, (although I am in the terrible position of not actually knowing the debt my husband was running up). Well I knew some of it but not the terrible truth. But the truth is if the recession and constant stream of cheap immigrant labour hadn't happened we would have been able to pay our bills. And then of course my husband's health has failed and hey, well basically we're screwed. But I guess we are what the Victorians would have called feckless, and useless and destined for the workhouse - not sure what 21st century workhouse equivalent is but think I am going to find out.

Anyway sorry but I think today I just needed to rant. I guess I can't really talk to anyone how I feel about it. I am angry and frightened and I feel stupid and I guilty - like I deserve this and I can't talk to 'him' as he just wont dealt with it or talk about it. I am not sure where this leads us but not in a good place I guess. So my blog gets it -warts and all.

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On the 30th January 1965 former Prime Minister and World Leader, Sir Winston Churchill, was given a state funeral.

I think I vaguely remember this - it was a big deal on the TV and I remember sitting and watching bits with my family. I would have been nearly 4 years old so I guess it could be a real memory.

He is rich or poor according to what he is, not according to what he has.

God I hope this is true although I don't feel very 'rich' of soul at the moment.

27th & 28th

On the 27th January 1606 the trial of the Gunpowder plot conspirators began.

Um, this made me think of the latest debacle with this Iraq enquiry. Cases take ages to come to court and then the outcome has already been decided long before the case is heard. Poor old Guy Fawkes was made a bit of a scape goat so history would tell us whereas our politician come out of shit smelling of roses. Or so we should believe.

Gratitude is the best attitude.

Trouble is sometimes people can just be too grateful, too bloody humble so that whatever they are thanking for just makes you want to punch them!

Today in 1813 Jane Austin's novel Pride and Prejudice was first published.

I am not a great fan of this or many of these classic novel - don't mind a bit of Jane Eyre but mainly I find them well 'mindless and boring' but I know others love them. I like things a bit newer. I love Rebecca. It was really sad to hear that JD Salinger died today. Something about 'Catcher' will stay with me forever. Also the suggested link between Salinger's book and possible conspiracy theories has always greatly interested me.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Ok, I admit, I am going through hell at the moment and quite frankly can see no end to it. And the trouble is there is no alternative but to keep going. (I seriously considered the alternative a couple of years ago and believe me that is just a worse type of hell). Every day I dream that I will have a end to my severe financial difficulties and every day just gets a little worse.

Is it wrong to pray for help with money? I know it is, everything I learnt in church as a child and later as an adult tells me it is but where else can you ask for help when all the alternatives are used up. Guess I am going to hell in a debtors coffin? Guess my soul is becoming bankrupt?