Yesterday

Yesterday felt like it was going to be one of those days. I went for a walk on the beach which I enjoyed and met a new lady and her dog. Then I went to work (abit late as per usual). But on the way to work something happened. Entirely my fault but it just made me think again that only bad things seem to happen when we are down. When I think I have at last hit rock bottom - I haven't. And then all the old thoughts sat with me all day. Another bill to arrive - more trouble - the effect all this will have in the future. When life was good and money was ok these things didn't happen - life just rumbled along with the odd little hump and dip but now it is all mountain and valleys both of which seem to hard to climb or walk. And then I thought about where is my life going, my best mates from Uni are finding there futures (and so they should and I am really happy for them - they are young and have there whole life ahead of them whereas I am nearly 50 and still trying to find away), whereas I am returning to old jobs, old ways which I know are not fulfilling me in anyway. I search the job sites, I search the Internet for just a hint of inspiration but nothing just admin, admin, admin and a wealth of care jobs that I could apply for but they pay shit and I know I will struggle within them to feel fulfilled and happy. So I finished my first job and made my way home. I made my way home wondering how much more downward can I realistically take before it all seems like too much trouble.

And then nearing home I just looked up and noticed the sky was really blue. That beautiful blue of a happy summers day. And straight across the horizon sat this little pile of puffy white clouds, like little cotton wall balls all sat on a wall - very straight and very soft. And this made me smile and think of soft white towels after a bath; of clean sheets on the bed; of freshly iron t-shirts cuddly on the skin; of babies on sheepskin; of cuddly toys given in love; of hope; of love.

And as quick as that life didn't seem so bad. But why, all of the above first paragraph was true - my life still sucks at the moment; I am fearful; I am afraid of the future so how can a row of clouds change all that. I don't know how but I am thankful that I am at that stage where it can. Where a row of clouds can make me feel good; where a row of clouds can me me think creatively; where a row of clouds can give me hope. I am so thankful because when I am ill nothing can do this - nothing can intrude on my misery and give me hope.

In the evening I went to my other job - still feeling tired but feeling glad; glad my mate was working; glad I could laugh with her and the tenants, just glad I had some options. Yesterday I had the options to apply for two jobs and didn't know if I wanted either but at least I had the option and then I got a call to see about some other possible work so hey - maybe the clouds really worked.

Dix

Wed & Thurs

24th - 1955 More than 70 British roads were blocked by snow during the 'Big Freeze.'

Instead of counting your days, make your days count.

These sayings are so helpful, not, sometimes life is about counting days and others about days that count . I am not sure which is me at the mo - I think trying to make the days count.

25th - 1972 British miners voted to end their crippling 7-week strike.

I remember this time so clearly. As a very young, but already gaining Socialist ideals this felt like a terrible defeat. It felt like things were going to change forever. Somethings needed to - some Unions were using their power as badly as politicians but it was sad to see honest working men defeated, families broken and the understanding the whole communities would change forever. And it did change politics forever, I think this was the point when money, power, corruption all that is bad in our country took over. When banks didn't care about customers anymore, when money became king. It meant Margaret Thatcher could happen. Not good, not good.

We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.

Unfortunately this is so true - in both a wider and a personal context. I think it should also say 'and so we suffer the consequences from our inability to learn from history.'

Blogging the Weather

I just realised that when the weather is good I hardly ever find the time to blog. I just spend the whole weekend out in the garden, or I wander out there in the morning and evenings when I would spend time at my computer. I love being outside, soaking up the sun, it makes me feel good. But I hate not keeping up with my blogging. I will have to find a sensible balance, although taking the laptop outside is not one of them.

I notice some of the friends blogs I follow are the same. This is good - enjoy the outside when you can - soak up your Vitamin D (I think that is right) and be grateful for the warmth. Before long we will be huddled up inside in front of the fire living it what feels like a permanent darkness. Well dark before and after work anyway.

I love the nice weather.

What a nice day

At last some sunny weather. I can take the dog for a proper walk and enjoy the sunshine. Is is just the British whose mood is so affected by the weather, I suspect it is the human race as a whole. Probably in really sunny climates the rain makes them happy.

I am off to my cleaning job, not the most exciting but it helps towards little extras in life like holidays and going to concerts etc.

Not much to say really - just glad to be alive.

Tiredness, work and fat

Oh my god I am tired. I have just had three days off and I am knackered. I now have 6 days a day off and then 4 days. Not good when I am already tired. And I have to go in early today.

When I think about my days off I only actually relaxed one day the others were spent either frantically trying to get the garden tidy, or frantically trying to catch up with housework. Neither of which I managed to any great success. At least the weather was ok, if somewhat windy. I only work 30 hours a week, or I am supposed to but in reality I normally do something extra so it is getting closer to full time hours but sometimes I am absolutely exhausted. What is the cure? None I suspect. I am lucky that on the whole I like my job, even when I have a crap day I do like my job. I feel like I am making a difference that people's lives are better for it and if I am truthful others notice that I am making a difference and tell me. That's so nice - to recieve some sort of recognition that what you do makes a difference. I wonder how many people are lucky enough to feel like this - teachers probably, and police and such like. I have had teachers that have totally changed my life and given me so much confidence to move forward and to feel a more complete person. Anyway I am getting off the subject.

But when I get so tired I start to getting grumpy and start to find fault in others (not an easy person to work with), I think everyone should do the job in a certain way and can't understand why they don't. Oh by the way have I said what I do - I'm a support worker for individuals with learning disabilities. And I love the job (I know I mentioned that already!!). So I have been thinking about this week. And decided on my tasks for the week.

1 I will not get grumpy at work - if I start to feel grumpy I will go somewhere else for a while and calm down.

2 I will not talk about or pass my opinion on about other people - just keep quiet and stop giving my opinion - every one is different and difference is good.

Will I manage it - I am going to try but who knows - I will let you know. We have a new guy started work with us who is religious and talks about sinners and being good and it has really made me think. I am becoming the person I really don't want to be. I am becoming that person who feels trapped in the corner and has to come out fighting. And I don't want to be that person. And I want to be a better person. I want to feel better about myself.

I know it is all a very boring mantra but worth a go, don't you think.

My other constant battle is the diet. I have lost 27 and half pounds so far, since January. Not stunningly quick but steady and making a difference. But in the last few days I have been eating really badly, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and this is making me feel ill and tired. So I need to stop this and just get back on course. I need to make it 2 stone and I need to keep going. I have 6 stone to lose (which is an enormous amount) but if I can get my degree I honestly believe I can do anything.

I have just read back over this post and thought what a boring load of twaddle but then it's my boring load of twaddle so that's ok.

Better go, feed the dog, walk the dog, change the cat tray, shower and wash my hair, sort the washing, feed the cats, empty the dishwasher, lock up and cycle to work (weather's good and can't really afford anymore petrol until pay day next week).

Ain't life grand!

And this is me today (1)

It has been a frustrating day. I really want to continue to make a difference in my work but find myself continually frustrated by appointments, transport breakdowns and problems, other staffs lack of understanding etc etc. But I should be more patient, I am sure it will continue to improve and that I will be able to help organise my work, and hence improve the SU daily life accordingly. I guess it is just my impatience with others that frustrates me the most.

I have loved writing this blog - I know that it appears nobody has read it yet but me and that nobody has made a comment but somehow that doesn't matter. I can write a little everyday and more importantly I managed to start and finish a short story - however simple it was. Around 2000 words created in one sitting at at my computer.

I am really tired tonight and also very cold. It has appeared a nice sunny day for April but in reality the cold was biting. I have just moved from a comfy position in front of the fire to a much cooler study to write this. I feel the cold.

Nothing very exciting has happened to me today as nothing really exciting happens to me most days. But hey, that is my life and most of the time it is ok. I went shopping in Tesco for just a few bits and ended up still spending nearly £40 and can't quite understand how it was so much, how it was too much again.

I did notice that the local church was having its roof mended. There was a fairly big hole in the roof from the recent bad winds and storms. It was round, where the tiles had slipped and looked almost like a hurricane had hit. The vicar said it was going to cost loads to get fixed but they must have only been up there one day and it looked good as new. I was surprised to see that the roofers were just using a ladder and no scaffolding but hey, perhaps God was their Health and Safety officer!! I notice, as did my colleague, that the church had a kinda of walkway (there is probably a better word but can't think of it) all the way around the roof and the men were walking on it. I thought how great it would be to get up there and see the view or even better get to the top of the tower and look over the village and beyond. Maybe I could even see my house from there.

The vicar is very nice, much more like the kinda of vicar I was used to as a child. Yet again I find myself thinking about faith and God but something seems to hold me back. This continual battle between what is right and good and what the church seems to represent and present to the world. I find this whole issue of sinners etc really hard to take because I believe that people are basically good and just do bad things and make mistakes. I believe that given the chance we could all care about and maybe even love each other. Maybe this is why I am so quickly disappointed with people, with life in general. This hippy attitude probably doesn't help me cope with life.

Anyway enough of the hippy claptrap. Time to go and sort out some email etc.

Will write again soon - possible.