Self Loathing (by food)

All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. Past full. A whole packet of cheese sandwich biscuits, quantities of fruit and chocolate too. All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. Past fat. Milk chocolate Button Easter Eggs, devoured whilst driving, untasted, un-enjoyed, gone. All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. Past life. Mature cheese, broken lump by lump from vast blocks; chewed and savoured unobserved. All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. Past morbid. Crap food nags carbs and sugar, momentarily ease my stress and sadness. All I do is eat and eat and eat and Eat. To death. Dix

Off to the Dump

My task for today is to take stuff to the dump. Not very exciting I know but quite cathartic as it means more stuff is got rid of. I am probably making a mistake going on a Monday as I suspect lots of people will be queued up to dump their stuff after the weekend.

I have stuff that has been sitting outside waiting to be disposed of for a couple of months so getting rid of it will be a positive thing. Trouble is I think I feel like my life is a bit in the 'dump' right now. I can't get a job that I really want and just get rejected, rejected, rejected. I don't seem to be getting any where with my writing. Sometimes I sit down or just before I go to sleep and I have the most wonderful words inside my head but every time I try to write them down they just seem like crap - crap to be dumped.

I know I am feeling like this because I am struggling to get a job I want, something that has not really happened to me before, because I am being so lethargic about my creativity, because my mind is still full of worries about money and bills and how to find the money to get the car serviced and on and on and on. But somehow I have to snap myself out of this rubbish and get back to the positive.

I am 50 soon, something I am looking forward to, I have a job that is OK, the people I work for (with) are great just the cuts making it seems so depressing. I get pleasure from my work some days - more than some people can say.

So what have I got to do now; eat less, overeating is making me feel like crap, move more - I love my daily walk with the dog (about 1 1/2 walking) but maybe I need to exert myself more, write something, doesn't matter what but do it, sleep less and do more, be happy with my lot and optimistic about finding solutions to my problems.

Easy yeah?

Dix

Old age and Funny sad emails

A friend sent me this email. I get loads of these funny, sad and frankly soppy mails and normally I just read them and pass them on or delete them. But there was something about this one I liked. Maybe I am just in that kinda mood. I am very tired and a little sad so guess it was the right time. Working again today and really don't want to. Hope day goes well and I just get through it. Working again tomorrow as well. Oh well. It all earns the money.

Ps think I have managed to put the time right at last.

Enjoy.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.

Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the sagging butt and expanding belly. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become nicer to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, (I have learnt to enjoy it) or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, 70’s and 80’s if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love or a sad romantic film, I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set (and the freezing cold) they, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair and turning gray, to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

Tiredness, work and fat

Oh my god I am tired. I have just had three days off and I am knackered. I now have 6 days a day off and then 4 days. Not good when I am already tired. And I have to go in early today.

When I think about my days off I only actually relaxed one day the others were spent either frantically trying to get the garden tidy, or frantically trying to catch up with housework. Neither of which I managed to any great success. At least the weather was ok, if somewhat windy. I only work 30 hours a week, or I am supposed to but in reality I normally do something extra so it is getting closer to full time hours but sometimes I am absolutely exhausted. What is the cure? None I suspect. I am lucky that on the whole I like my job, even when I have a crap day I do like my job. I feel like I am making a difference that people's lives are better for it and if I am truthful others notice that I am making a difference and tell me. That's so nice - to recieve some sort of recognition that what you do makes a difference. I wonder how many people are lucky enough to feel like this - teachers probably, and police and such like. I have had teachers that have totally changed my life and given me so much confidence to move forward and to feel a more complete person. Anyway I am getting off the subject.

But when I get so tired I start to getting grumpy and start to find fault in others (not an easy person to work with), I think everyone should do the job in a certain way and can't understand why they don't. Oh by the way have I said what I do - I'm a support worker for individuals with learning disabilities. And I love the job (I know I mentioned that already!!). So I have been thinking about this week. And decided on my tasks for the week.

1 I will not get grumpy at work - if I start to feel grumpy I will go somewhere else for a while and calm down.

2 I will not talk about or pass my opinion on about other people - just keep quiet and stop giving my opinion - every one is different and difference is good.

Will I manage it - I am going to try but who knows - I will let you know. We have a new guy started work with us who is religious and talks about sinners and being good and it has really made me think. I am becoming the person I really don't want to be. I am becoming that person who feels trapped in the corner and has to come out fighting. And I don't want to be that person. And I want to be a better person. I want to feel better about myself.

I know it is all a very boring mantra but worth a go, don't you think.

My other constant battle is the diet. I have lost 27 and half pounds so far, since January. Not stunningly quick but steady and making a difference. But in the last few days I have been eating really badly, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and this is making me feel ill and tired. So I need to stop this and just get back on course. I need to make it 2 stone and I need to keep going. I have 6 stone to lose (which is an enormous amount) but if I can get my degree I honestly believe I can do anything.

I have just read back over this post and thought what a boring load of twaddle but then it's my boring load of twaddle so that's ok.

Better go, feed the dog, walk the dog, change the cat tray, shower and wash my hair, sort the washing, feed the cats, empty the dishwasher, lock up and cycle to work (weather's good and can't really afford anymore petrol until pay day next week).

Ain't life grand!