Alone and blogging

I haven't really been able to blog for a while in fact there is so much in my life that I haven't been able to manage. I know I may have put this before but to explain my 30 year marriage ended 15 weeks ago now. He left me by sending a text message and ran off with one of my best friends. And it hurts so much. Every day I just hope it will start getting easier - and to be honest in some ways it is. I no longer want him back. I realise that what he has done is so bad and has hurt so much there is no going back. But still I wake every morning with them in my head and I go to sleep the same and in between I have moments of OK, moments of better than OK and moments of utter hell.

I ache inside, I ache with loneliness. I feel it like a pain. I know it is too soon to even be thinking about starting another relationship but I so miss having someone around. After 30 years, even though they weren't all good I so miss waking up beside someone, having someone to talk to, discussing the rubbish on TV, eating with and so on and so on. Some days I really believe that one day there will be someone else for me but most days all I feel is a great be empty hole of the future of being alone, of coping alone. And I absolutely hate it.

Today is a bad day, a really bad day - lots and lots of crying already, up at 5am because I can't bear lying there thinking of them, thinking of what they have done. I can't ring my friends crying anymore - I have had enough of me so I know they have. I want it to stop -I want the days to be better, I want to feel like I can cope with boy and just make a life for myself alone and not keep feeling like this. I know many many people live alone and they do just fine, they are happy and able to live their life to the full. I have done so many things to try and make this go away but it just wont. I am at college one day a week, I volunteer, I have got the house much tidier and have really cleared the clutter, I cook and I clean and I do the garden and I cut wood - lots and lots of things. But I still have so many days like today when I just feel so empty, so alone and can't stop crying.

I know if I just make myself then I should be writing - that may be the savour to my life - if I can write everyday and really get into it I might stop feeling like this but trouble is my concentration span is hopeless, my confidence lower than usual and my avoidance huge.

I have started to do some jogging, maybe physical exercise will stop the pain and help me continue to loose weight and help me see a future for myself.

So here is my first blog for a while and yes it is just me feeling sorry for myself - as another blogger puts it a proper visit from the 'self pity' gnome. I don't know if it will help but I have to try, I have to try anything to stop myself feeling like this. I know somewhere inside I have the means to move on but some days I just can't summon it up.

If anyone is reading this 'I am sorry' but if it helps me at all I am not.

dix

Waiting

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

His return?

My acceptance?

I am waiting for my life to change.

I am waiting for change.

New horizons?

Fresh Beginnings?

Hope.

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

The pain to stop.

The hurt to subside

End.

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

His return?

My acceptance?

Hope.

Dix

I am living

I am living on paracetamol
and pain. They're my
constant companions.
Each time I think about the lies
and betrayal,
it hurts so much.


A pain that sits beside
my heart, behind my
chest bone. Inside me.
I find the lies the worst
making it all my fault,
justifying what they have
done.
I cry at thoughts of them,
I cry with temper and
anger at thoughts of her.
I cry when I talk about them
I don't want to talk about them
anymore.
I don't want to talk,
I don't want to think,
I don't want to cry,
I don't want to anymore.

Dix

Bad Day

Yesterday I had a bad day. A really bad day. I couldn't stop crying. I was mowing the lawn sobbing. When I spoke to anyone I was crying . I was crying in public. Yesterday I felt so much pain and so much doubts.

Yesterday I felt useless and ugly and hopeless. Yesterday I missed him so bad. I felt that I just couldn't go on without him. That somehow I had to speak to him and make him understand how much pain I am suffering, how much doubt I feel. How so totally alone I am.

The future opened up in front of me like a great big hole that I can only fall into, that I can't control and that will only involve pain and suffering. Yesterday I grieved for 30 years of marriage and a relationship that if not very good was a least something. Yesterday I was a bad 'mum' to Boy and a bad mum to my daughters. Yesterday I was a pretty hopeless person.

I didn't contact him because I knew it would just make me feel worse - not better. I just kept going got through it. I got through yesterday and just hope there are not too many days that bad because I don't know how if I can cope with them. I don't know.

Today I am not going to do this. It will be hard and I will have to use all my strength but today will be better. It has to be. I have to be better for boy and my lovely daughters. I have to be better for me.

So I will breathe, I will tell my mind to stop, I will try to believe in me and hope there really is a future out there for me. I will just go through the next few hours believing in these things. I will start trying to love myself, something I haven't done for a long, long, time.

I hope I have the strength.

Dix

I was doing OK

I was doing ok. I was trying to be strong and making it happen. I was starting to feel good about myself which is something I haven't felt for along, long time. I felt strong (ish) and that I could cope with the day to day and make plans for the future. Even if they don't work out it felt like a framework, something to make me feel safe ish.

Then I saw him again - my ex husband, that is what I am calling him just because I don't know what to call him. I can't talk about us or we anymore either. He took out boy and they had a good time and he was kind (something he hadn't been for a long time).

But I came home to him being here and I just felt all the pain and all the hurt and all the anger. And I saw his body language and I saw him ignore me and look at me in that way. I have been thrown away by him like a piece of rubbish and it is awful.

So even though I tried really hard I went into that nasty person. The nasty person who just needs to tell how much I hate her - she was my friend and has totally stabbed my in the back and I call her names and he told me not to because they are together. I get that they are together. I get that it is over. In some ways I am so glad that he has gone - that just maybe I can find out who I am and be better and stronger and believe in myself. But he doesn't get the absolute pain that has been inflicted. In his mind it has been a week (yeah a whole week) and I should just move on and forget it. Be done with it. We have been married 30 years but in one week it is over. Done. We had been friends for 26 years but I should forget, I shouldn't feel any pain, I shouldn't feel betrayed because that is just me being unreasonable, that is just me being horrible and nagging.

And just for a moment there I fell for it. I felt bad for being who I was, I felt bad for feeling what I feel. I cried and swore and felt right back to point one - alone, useless, ugly, unloved and unlovable.

You know what - fuck him and fuck her. It is not me and what I feel is not unreasonable. Just because he has moved on in one week maybe I go a bit deeper than that. Maybe I need time to readjust, find a way through, work it all out. I have a right to be hurt, to be angry, to feel this terrible pain and to show it. I have that right - he doesn't have the right to make me feel it is my fault for feeling like that.

But I have to keep moving forward - I have to come out of this stronger, confident and alive. I have to - for myself and for boy.

I rang him after he left - I don't want to see him for a while - I need the space to not feel that pain all the time. I may always feel like it - who knows but I don't want to come out of this bitter and angry all the time. I know I have to deal with the loneliness but I don't have to make myself all chewed up inside. I don't have to put up with him making me feel like that.

I need closure with her - I need to write a letter to tell her how I feel - I need that and I don't give a stuff about what it does to her. Somehow I have to find a way to get that letter to her because I need it for me.

I am not sure if I can get through this - I am not sure if I can survive - I know I have so much more to content with and that each day will be harder but I have to try. I just have to do what is right for me and what will make me strong.

Of course, not seeing him is exactly what he wants - out of sight out of mind but really I have to put that aside and forget it. I have to be strong for me and my boy. I just have to.

Betrayed and Alone

I have been unable to blog for a while. I have been unable to sleep, unable to eat and really am struggling to function as a person. You see my husband has run off and left me. That is bad but in a way I think our marriage was over a long time ago - too many lies, no real trust but worst of all no energy to even keep fighting.

The thing is he has gone off with one of my best friends. Anybody who knows me would know that friends are really important to me. I have always trusted my friends or just not been their friend. We have been friends for over 26 years. We went on holiday together, the four of us, couples enjoying our time together, and our children grew up like family.

I feel so betrayed. He left by sending me a text message - 30 years and all I got was a text message. What? But most of all I can't get my head around how she did this to me. I never thought she would. I thought we were friends. I thought I could trust her. I couldn't. Can I trust anyone ever again?

I can't sleep - I am having trouble being with myself because I am not sure how I feel about that. I am so angry, so hurt. I have so much to deal with and have to keep strong for boy - have to keep strong for my girls. But really I just want to curl up. I want to turn off my head - just for a while and make it all go away. I want to have company and love. I want someone to just make me feel special. I know that they are cosying up and having a great time and I am alone.

It is not that I want him back - I don't - enough is enough but just for a minute I wish I had someone to make me feel better. To make me feel loved.

I know I have to get past this. I know I can find the value in myself and realise that I am lovable and that I am beautiful in my own way but for a long time I have felt ugly and valueless and it is going to be hard to get over this.

I know I shouldn't ask but anyone out there reading my blog please pray for me (or whatever faith or hope you have) and help me find the strength to sleep, to feel good, to keep going and to love again. I know it is a lot to ask but any help would be just great at the moment.


Sorry for asking but I just need help to find a way forward.

Dix

I hate my job

I know in this financial climate that I should be really thankful that I have a job and in some ways I am. But I am so stuck in a rut. I work relief which is supposed to work that I can pick and chose when I work but the down side is sometimes there is no work. But what it really means is that you are supposed to be available to them whenever they want, up to and including 24 hours a day and then they can just stop using you for no reason what so ever and never give you a reason. Yesterday a member of staff told me that I was 'letting the side' down because I don't want to work 24 hours days (and can't really as I am a foster parent) and that I don't care about the clients or my fellow members of staff.

Perhaps she is right - I don't know. All I know is I have been put on so many times that it is hard to care all the time, sometimes I just want to work and have a life at home and for the balance to be good. Not this crap I am getting.

So I am trying to get another job - desperately applying for lots of school jobs that would provide me with a slightly better income and a reliable structure with time off with boy during the holidays. Trouble is I don't think I am going to get one of these jobs which probably means I never will. I have applied for loads (although not as many as I should as my enthusiasm is really waining) and only had one interview. So what am I doing wrong. Probably not filling in my applications right, not the right experience, don't know the right people etc, etc.

But the truth is I can't keep going as I am. So I am going to have to apply for other care jobs but am so afraid it will be just more of the same. They expect you to do long shifts with sleep ins, they expect you to drop everything for the client but expect to give nothing back. This month I am missing wages again, for the second month running, but have to wait yet another month to catch up.

I so wish I didn't have to work - I know that this is unreasonable and financially impossible but I also know that the worst stress in my life is caused by work.

Wish I believed I could get another job.

Dix

What ....

Today I had a really strange and annoying experience. Life at work is odd and sometimes difficult anyway so anything that makes it more difficult than it needs just makes life well... what?

I work with a women who I am having difficulty getting on with - we just don't sign from the same hymn sheet. She seems to cause confusion whenever she comes in - especially when I am there.

Today I asked her a simple question - 'Are you using the van all day tomorrow?' I didn't think it was a contentious question, I couldn't understand why it turned into one. Simple question - simple answer Yes or No. But no this is not what happened. Instead a surreal conversation that then involved the Service User I work with and then went into complete overload.

The outcome - the answer was Yes she has got the bus all day. But I was made to feel like I had done something wrong, which I hadn't, and realise it is just another nail in the coffin which means I wont get kept on as relief.

Thanks Pal ------for nothing.

Dix

A visit to the dentist

Today I visited the Dentist - it was a last minute appointment as I had to change my scheduled appointment because I have a job interview (yay - but another blog I think). Luckily it didn't give me too much time to think about it - I just got up, took the dog for a walk and toddled off to the dentist.

I have to say that this dentist is much nicer than the one I used to visit. He is South African (but aren't all dentist's now) but he is pleasant and very understanding of people's financial situation. It was only a check up but I knew I had broken one of my teeth just before Christmas so that was going to cause a conversation, if nothing else.

I sat in the chair and he began prodding and poking (in a dentist sort of way) and I felt myself literally trying to curling back into myself. Now I don't really like the dentist but have decided that if I want to at least keep a few teeth in my mouth that I need to 'put up with it'. I could taste that metal sweet sort of taste of blood and really wanted to close my mouth (that is unusual for me) and leave - not make a fuss but with confidence. Of course, I didn't - I then tried to take myself off to a happy place - that didn't really work either - I couldn't seem to think of a happy place just a stark white dentist place. Oh Dear.

He looked at my broken tooth and we had a conversation (he had his hands out of my mouth by now), he can fill it but it probably wont do any good as there is not much left to fill, he could take it out but I am really unkeen to loose another tooth as my mouth is starting to getting those funny vertical lines running about a centimetre from my lips (in the places where other teeth have departed my mouth for ever), - note here I don't look totally toothless or anything but I have have six teeth removed, four being my wisdom teeth (say no more) and I do think about it sometimes before smiling at people I don't know. This of course means I smile in a kinda crooked wonky way that is more frightening than smiling and makes people look away quickly with that 'who is this mad woman and why is she growling at me' way.

Or I can have my tooth capped which will cost £199 - a huge amount of money but something I would like to have done. So I explained the above (about keeping whats left of my rotting stones) and that I would have to save up but would like a crown done. He was really nice about, (my old dentist would have made me feel bad for not doing as I was told) and said come back when I had the money, that what was left of the tooth should be OK for now and otherwise just keep looking after them.

So it is over you say - unfortunately not, he went back into my mouth, prodding and poking again and shouting out strange letters and numbers to his assistant. Then he got out that cleaning/drilling sounding thing and cleaning the back of my front teeth, (apparently I need to work harder there to stop the plaque building up). By this time my feet were literally curling, so much so my toes were nearly touching my shins (well slight exaggeration there but you know what I mean). I looked up at his masked face and thought this is like paying for torture and that has never been my thing - I would much rather pay for luxury and pampering.

Then as soon as it began - it was finished. He removed his mask and I rinsed and thanked him (why did I thank him for that torture) and left. After paying the bill £16+ and having some inane conversation with the receptionist (they must have thought - what a strange lady- I left).

I was pleased that I might be able to have a crown (if I can save up), pleased it was over, but mainly pleased that at least we had a conversation and he did treat me like another human being even when he was inflicting pain.

Oh well, don't have to do this again until August (or before if I can save up).

Dix

The Big Conversation

Last night I went to meeting about the Big Conversation. The Big Con should it be called. It was a meeting set up to give Foster Carers a voice in the cuts proposed for Children's Services. In other words asking us to think about who we want to cut so that the council and the government can say - look the people wanted these cuts - it was there decision.

As I sat in the meeting all I could think about was the film Brassed Off - this poor woman was optimistically trying to sell us this deal when I think we all knew that the decision had already been made, and that probably ultimately she was as likely to be a victim as us.

The suggestion is that all Foster Carer's will no longer come under the Council but will all be shipped out to Agency (I can't see how this is going to be cheaper but it sure will make some one huge amounts of money). Nobody could answer where Kinship Foster Carers stand in this deal, nobody could answer the question about cuts in Social Workers, Special Guardians, Youth schemes and so on. In fact there was a lot of no information that we were supposed to be discussing.

I left being worried, I left feeling that the most vulnerable people are going to be so badly affected by these cuts, that normal everyday people will lose their jobs and nobody will see it is wrong until we get another Baby P, or someone notices how many children in care end up in prison, or on the streets or worse.

On a personal basis not sure how I am going to manage with out my Foster Care Allowance - it has allowed me to take time out to be Boys parent, to give him time to settle and adjust to family life and if I am truly honest it has given me time to get used to him and being a parent again.

If the money is cut or taken away - will he stay - absolutely bloody yes, will it be hard, absolutely bloody yes. We will both have much less time for him , less money to allow him to do things and much less support from professionals who have supported us through this first year.

We should have more answers in February - or will we just have more flannel, more questions and more anger. Is this really what people voted for? Do we really have to take all the flack at the bottom when bankers and MP's and the very rich get off Scot free?

Glad I never voted for the wankers - don't get me wrong all politicians are the same. What is it 'Power corrupts -well we have certainly seen that with the Lib Dems!

And don't even get me started on the price of diesel!!!


Dix

An end of an era

My friend JC has gone. Moved on to her new life (training to be a secondary school teacher) and I am really pleased and excited for her. I know she has been stuck in a rut and finding it difficult to be optimistic about the future and that this is definately the right thing for her. Good Luck JC.

Trouble is I feel like I am left behind. Some of it is because of the life decisions I have made eg taking on boy and taking time out of work to help him settle in and adjust. (I don't regret this decision as he has needed that time and we have needed the space). But some of the things have happened to me eg my husbands financial mess, his health issues and general massive problems around money. Not being able to find a job as good as the one I had and not being able to fulfil any of my creative potential either through getting a job or managing to do more at home.

But just as I am sad and a little afraid with her moving on and not having anyone to attend 'creative events' with anymore I also realise that I have to take control for myself. I have to start writing everyday and make sure I make time for this, make sure I am brave enough to attend events on my own (although this will be hard with no one to bounce ideas off) and just make sure I get back into thinking creatively and being nicer to myself in lots of ways. This is in my hands - not anyone elses.

Boy goes back to school on Monday (a new school and we will all be a little afraid and need some support to get over this last hurdle) and hopefully 'him' will be signed off by hospital and be able to drive by Wednesday and then be able to really actively look for a job. But even if he can't find a job immediately (I have to believe he will find a job eventually or how can we keep going) that I will make time for myself, make time to read and to write and be myself. No excuses - I have to.

I am starting 2 courses in the next couple of weeks - a fostering one and a diet and health one. Both of these I hope will help restart my brain but also help me gain confidence in myself and what I have and am achieving. Only I can make this happen - only I can see the 'glass half full' again.

Wish me luck.

Another sleepless night

I couldn't sleep again last night just hours and hours of restlessness surrounded by short hours of well, napping. By 5 am I got to that time when I am never sure whether to get up and just do something else or try and get some more sleep. I stayed in bed and haven't woken up until nearly 9 o'clock. I feel like I am wasting the days (although the weather is absolutely hideous so not sure what I can actually do with the day). Now I feel wasted, and low. I have that feeling that is imbedded inside of lowness - it will mean I am liable to cry at any moment and probably will.

I have decided to be a busy as possible today and then hopefully will sleep really well tonight. I have to as Friday night I work all night and have to stay awake.

Maybe it is having to stay awake one night a week that is doing this to me - I am not sure. Only one more month of one night a week then back to normal.

Lots of things going around in my head - and none of them constructive or creative.

But have started another book from my collection that feels like it is going to be a good read. That would mean the last 4 books I have read have been good (5 if you include my toilet book - Harold Pinter).

Deep felt sadness

I heard today that the husband of a friend has committed suicide. It is such sad news and has really rocked me. I knew that he had mental health problems and also they had marriage problems but you always hope that the 'darkness' will not be so bad that he feels the only option is death. It is at these time that I wish that I didn't understand but I do and seeing the terrible mess left behind I hope that will be enough to discourage 'bad thoughts' in the future. I feel the terrible pain of this children and wonder how this will affect them for the rest of their days - I understand my friends anger and sadness and guilt for what he has done and just hope they can all find a way forward, past funerals and paperwork, past recriminations and anger, past pain and tears and have a happy fulfulled and understanding future.

God be with them - God bless his soul.

Dix

Last night

Last night me and JC went to a Uni do. She really didn't want to go and I kinda made her - which gave me a huge responsibility. Then all day I was thinking of ways of not going and in the end I just thought why I am so worried - just go say goodbye to the course leader and come away. So we went - with huge trepidation.

Anyway when I got there I felt ok. There wasn't anyone else from my year and it was a nice relaxed atmosphere. I spoke to my Visual lecturer, (and I think JC is actually right in what she said about him but that's another story), I spoke to the Course Leader and got to say thank you - and got to say that it really did matter and it really had made a major difference to my life and thank you, thank you, thank you. I spoke about football to the poetry guy and it was a nice night.

So we decided to go - our time was over - I even spoke to 'folder holder' but just hello but JC didn't (but that's another post).

Then as we were leaving two students turned up who we worked with and really liked, especially N and it was just like being back in the old days. So much creativity just oozing out of us - ideas and challenges and a definite push to get the Cherry Picker published (how great would that be). We sat for absolutely ages just talking ideas and JC looked so alive and so happy and it was just well, FAB. I got ideas for stories and was able to make promises to take work with me for a meeting next month to talk about our work and start putting it together for CP.

I am so glad I went. I am so glad it was so positive and brilliant. I have a positive closure and a way forward.

Just thankful I was brave enough.

The weekend 30/31

Before I post up my facts and quotes I just wanted to say 'how the hell did we get to the end of January already'. I can truly say it has not been a great month for me - in fact it is pretty awful. And I think things are only going to get worse but I am sure there will be an end to it all - somehow. At the moment I bounce between worse possible scenario eg losing home and just about everything (which ain't such a lot) and then bouncing back to hoping that we can be saved somehow and hold on to our home. Of course I know that in this country being a white, British working person (apart from an MP who claim anything, get caught, appeal and it is all OK again!) isn't such a good thing in terms of being helped (and I am sorry if that is prejudice and ignorant but hey that is how it feels) but I just hope we can be astute enough to understand and play the system and hope we come out the other end relatively unscathed. At this moment I think the odds of this happening are pretty low.

I realise that a lot of this is our fault, (although I am in the terrible position of not actually knowing the debt my husband was running up). Well I knew some of it but not the terrible truth. But the truth is if the recession and constant stream of cheap immigrant labour hadn't happened we would have been able to pay our bills. And then of course my husband's health has failed and hey, well basically we're screwed. But I guess we are what the Victorians would have called feckless, and useless and destined for the workhouse - not sure what 21st century workhouse equivalent is but think I am going to find out.

Anyway sorry but I think today I just needed to rant. I guess I can't really talk to anyone how I feel about it. I am angry and frightened and I feel stupid and I guilty - like I deserve this and I can't talk to 'him' as he just wont dealt with it or talk about it. I am not sure where this leads us but not in a good place I guess. So my blog gets it -warts and all.

****************************************

On the 30th January 1965 former Prime Minister and World Leader, Sir Winston Churchill, was given a state funeral.

I think I vaguely remember this - it was a big deal on the TV and I remember sitting and watching bits with my family. I would have been nearly 4 years old so I guess it could be a real memory.

He is rich or poor according to what he is, not according to what he has.

God I hope this is true although I don't feel very 'rich' of soul at the moment.

An Unverving Dream

Last night I had a really clear dream. I am not sure how I got to the point but I was in a church (this is a church that I know) although it was much nicer than in reality, much cleaner and more inviting. The Vicar was there. Again a man that I know, a local Father although not the Father of the Church I dreamed about. The Church in my dream is a mixture of the Church I used to attend (a lovely family church that holds good memories) and my local Church as a teenager, which does not hold good memories. The Church where both my parents had their funerals and are buried.

It was a strange dream. When I got to the Church the Vicar (as I called him) passed me a gift and a letter. The gift was a Kite, all wrapped up and new. I was very brightly coloured, red, yellow and white, still in its wrapping and with the card still stapled on the top. It felt strange to get a Kite in a Church and yet I didn't ask why I was being given a Kite. I have recently purchased a Kite and tried to fly it. (I was trying to fly it with a young man who will hopefully become part of my life as we are trying to Foster him), but don't know if this has meaning in the dream, I guess it does.

I never unwrapped the Kite in the Church just put in down beside me. But the letter felt more significant. It was a blue handwritten envelope, neat handwriting, large and clear. I opened the letter and read it.

I remember reading the letter, I remember the look of the words on the page but can't remember what it said, just that I felt very emotional, really happy but also very sad. The Vicar just touched my arm to give me comfort. At this point I looked up.

And there sitting in the Church a few feet away from me sat my Nanny Lou. My maternal grandmother. I have not seen her for 41 years, she died when I was seven and yet she was so clear and she was smiling at me. I could recognise every part of her face, her eyes, her hair, her skin, the shape of her body. It was so real and so beautiful. And it felt lovely and warm and comforting. Like she was there and loving me and holding me. Although I never got close to her. I can't really explain how it felt. Just that it seemed so really, so lovely, so comforting. And I looked straight at her with this letter in my hand and it was wonderful.

At this point I woke up (5.15am) and for a moment I felt happy and loved and comforted and in a wonderful place. I wanted to return to the dream and be back with my Nanny but I couldn't.

And as I lay in bed I suddenly began to feel strange. To feel drained and unhappy, as if the dream, far from being good was a pointer to something terrible that is going to happen. I can't explain why I feel like this. It was so odd to go from almost euphoria to utter misery in such a short space of time.

All day I have felt incredibly tired and drained (I have woken up to write this). I have lacked energy and sharpness and just felt like I am being told that something in the future (the near future) is not good. I have dreaded the day. I felt like I was looking for signals to tell me what was coming. I was often aware of the dream and the memory during the day. I found myself smiling at the memory of my Nanny and then shivering at the feeling that followed. A terrible contradiction. I know this is really OTT but it feels like I should be grateful to wake up tomorrow. That is how strong the feeling is. My body had ached today, I struggled to have any clarity of thought and absolutely no enthusiasm. I just want to go back to bed to sleep and yet am almost fearful to do so.

I like to dream. It has often helped me sort out problems and definitely helped me find ideas for my writing. But this was not nice. I very rarely have nightmares and even they have not left me with the feeling that I have carried today. This was not a nightmare, it was beautiful and yet it has left me feeling devastated. Even writing this is giving me butterflies inside.

I hope tonight will be better. I hope that I can sleep as normal.

More Spike and me

OBERON

The flowers in my garden

grow down.

Their colour is pain

Their fragrance sorrow.

Into my eyes grow their roots

feeling for tears

To nourish the black

hopeless rose

within me.

Nervous breakdown

Bournemouth

February 1967

Confused Brain


I hope this is going to be a better day
than it feels
I couldn't sleep for worry
Then I couldn't wake my mind.
Am I well at all
Or is it just my brain confusing me.

Hopeless person

October 2008

Dih

A good day and a terrible day

Yesterday was a contradictory day. I had a good day at work even though, as per normal I was anxious about it and then just before I left I tried to sort out a problem with someone who is being very rude. And it was like trying to speak to a tree. No not a tree as I love trees. It was like trying to talk to a concrete bypass - one of those slashed through the middle of a lovely area that just sits there unmovable and unhealable and unable to be anything but ugly. The other person was horrible. She told me she hated me. She told me she didn't want to work with me. She said I had 'dropped her in it' at work. She sat with arms crossed and stiff negative body language and said horrible things.

I asked for compromise. I asked that we could work together without the arguing, without the constant bad feeling. But no, she said she did not snap at me, she was not rude it was all me.

And now, as I look back I feel so hurt. This is all about my illness. If I had broken my leg or had a serious operation or anything else I would get sympathy. But no - because my mind broke I am just judged - I am told it is 50/50 because we both have depression. I know in my mind I did nothing to this person - she was just someone I worked with and when I was ill I admit she did not cross my mine. Depression is a serious illness, it is a selfish illness - I admit that but a deliberate illness - no, no, no. No-one would be in the darkness because they wanted to, surely? I didn't want to. I really didn't want to.

And now I don't want to have to listen to this tirade of abuse, this horribleness because I was ill. And the boss just sat there and listened. And do you know why? Because she agreed with it. Because she was allowing her to say it because it is what she wanted to say but couldn't say it. So she used her puppet to be rude and horrible and cruel.

And that is what having a mental illness allows others to do to you. That is what you have to deal with, not just the illness, and the darkness, and the self hate and the paranoia, and the pain, and the distrust of your very thoughts. You have to put up with what others think. Because having a mental illness means you are not perfect, means you can't be trusted to be 'normal' - it means others can speak to you however they want because anything you say in defense will just be 'your illness'. That is what admitting you have depression means.

Today I have to remember the good things. I have to remember that I have many people who love me, that I have friends who have helped me through, that I love my family and my family love me. That I am not a bad person just someone who has a brain that sometimes doesn't behave. Sometimes it is not to be trusted.

I have to remember that each day is beautiful; to wake up; to see the sunshine; to feel the rain; to speak to people I love; (and maybe even to those I don't); to walk on the beach with my beautiful dog; to stroke my lovely cats; to hug my daughter; to tell my daughter I love her; to cuddle up with the man I love; to smell the grass; to see a pile of freshly laudered washing (I know sad but it does it for me); to hear the birds sing; to see my lady smile; to write: to hear and sing along to music; to read a book (good or bad); to smile; to laugh; to care; to love; to be me; to be alive.

And this is me today (3)

I started the day really angry and frustrated. I am not sure why, maybe tiredness and the knowledge that I have no time to relax - just going from one thing to the other until falling into bed to non sleep from over tiredness. Never mind I have got Saturday off so maybe a sleep in or a long luxurious walk on the beach with the dog in the sunshine.



Anyway I was angry and upset, prone to tears and then the day went really well and now I feel, even though I still have loads to do that it has been a good day and I haven't wanted to eat rubbish and I haven't wanted to change my life etc. Anyway it is strange how what starts off bad turns out good. It's like going to a spouses work do - I really dread it and think I won't know anyone and I will feel fat and ugly and then I go with utter dread, thinking of excuses to call off and have a really good time and don't feel fat or stupid in fact often the opposite.



Not much time to write today - I am just about to take an hour for my fix of Neighbours and Home and Away (although both are slightly silly at the moment) before I am off to Weight Watchers to hopefully not be too downhearted if I have put on or not lost.



Oh well - will write again soon.



D