BR - the Finker Question

I have just finished this book and to be honest I am not sure why I kept with it. I brought it because I read it was the first humorous book to win the Booker. I thought this sounded good and it was worth a try (I waited until it came out in paperback though as it was expensive in hardback).

I have to admit it had humour in it, it made me smile a couple of times but in the end I felt like I was reading something that was, well frankly, labouring the point. I felt like I was reading something that maybe wasn't really meant for me, that somehow I wasn't in the right club, the right race, the right intellectual band to read this book - and I hate that. I didn't really understand what the question was? The characters were strange, particularly the main character somehow he didn't quite add up - it was full of sadness and did portray that terrible feeling of sadness and loss well. The ending was low and somehow I felt like sadness had won - I know there is a place for endings like this but I have to admit generally they are not so much for me. Nobody felt like they learnt anything and I guess as the reader I felt like I hadn't learnt anything.

It did make me think about being Jewish (obviously I am not) and what that might mean, what that means as an political, racial and identity issue. But somehow it felt like in doing this it was basically 'taking the mickey' and this did not feel comfortable. I realise that might have been what the author was trying to achieve and maybe he wanted us to feel uncomfortable but in doing so I wish I had cared more about the characters - I wish I had cared at all.

This book is not a keeper or something I would recommend to others yet I suspect it may be a book I will remember for a long time - strange that.

So now I have to return to my huge pile of un read books and choose something else. I want to read something that grabs me, that makes me want to turn the page and stay awake and laugh or cry and mostly makes me sad it had finished.

Any ideas.

Dix

Am I the only one?

Is it just me or is anyone else bloody angry about what is happening in this country at the moment. The final straw (and I know there will be many more final straws) that banks have not been paying full tax on their profits. Of course, us, the normal working person who struggles to make ends meets and is trying to cut, cut, cut and take on board the mess the country is in - we have to pay full taxes to the very last penny.

The banks and bankers made this mess but everyone else is just sitting by letting them get away with it. People are just saying it is alright for students to start life with £45,000 debt and no guarantee of a job, it is alright to stop benefits for those who just might need them, keep on paying benefits for people who have paid little or nothing into the system and don't have a right to the services, to pay £6+ a litre for petrol, to not being able to put the heating on because it is too expensive. to buy valueline, poor quality food because that is all they can afford, to watch support being taken away from those who need it most, the old, the disadvantaged young, those with disabilities.

Is this really OK?

I watch the citizens of other countries stand up and say - we don't want you anymore, we want a new government, we want a new life and I think they are brave, they are optimistic, they still have some optimistism, they are not afraid.

In this country I feel we feel like we have no say, we have only pessimism that all politicians are the same and nothing will change, only get worse if anything, that we are afraid, we have been made afraid by 7/7 and other threats. Maybe we need to get a backbone and be like Tunisia, Egypt and others.

I don't know if I am brave enough but I sure know I would love someone to help me try.

Dix

The Big Conversation

Last night I went to meeting about the Big Conversation. The Big Con should it be called. It was a meeting set up to give Foster Carers a voice in the cuts proposed for Children's Services. In other words asking us to think about who we want to cut so that the council and the government can say - look the people wanted these cuts - it was there decision.

As I sat in the meeting all I could think about was the film Brassed Off - this poor woman was optimistically trying to sell us this deal when I think we all knew that the decision had already been made, and that probably ultimately she was as likely to be a victim as us.

The suggestion is that all Foster Carer's will no longer come under the Council but will all be shipped out to Agency (I can't see how this is going to be cheaper but it sure will make some one huge amounts of money). Nobody could answer where Kinship Foster Carers stand in this deal, nobody could answer the question about cuts in Social Workers, Special Guardians, Youth schemes and so on. In fact there was a lot of no information that we were supposed to be discussing.

I left being worried, I left feeling that the most vulnerable people are going to be so badly affected by these cuts, that normal everyday people will lose their jobs and nobody will see it is wrong until we get another Baby P, or someone notices how many children in care end up in prison, or on the streets or worse.

On a personal basis not sure how I am going to manage with out my Foster Care Allowance - it has allowed me to take time out to be Boys parent, to give him time to settle and adjust to family life and if I am truly honest it has given me time to get used to him and being a parent again.

If the money is cut or taken away - will he stay - absolutely bloody yes, will it be hard, absolutely bloody yes. We will both have much less time for him , less money to allow him to do things and much less support from professionals who have supported us through this first year.

We should have more answers in February - or will we just have more flannel, more questions and more anger. Is this really what people voted for? Do we really have to take all the flack at the bottom when bankers and MP's and the very rich get off Scot free?

Glad I never voted for the wankers - don't get me wrong all politicians are the same. What is it 'Power corrupts -well we have certainly seen that with the Lib Dems!

And don't even get me started on the price of diesel!!!


Dix

The Boy in the Stripped Pyjamas by John Boyne

In my opinion everybody should read this book. It was so well written, it tells a story through the naivity of a child when the reader realises the horror that is going on around him. The ending just made me cry although I had realised what was going to happen somehow it didn't matter that I knew I still wanted it to be different.

I hope schools will adopt this book - I hope many will continue to read it so that we don't forget what we as human's are capable of.

I will read it again - I will savour the words and yes I found it amazing research for writing a children's book. Not that I believe for one minute I could write a book like that.

Please if you haven't get a copy, beg, borrow, steal if you have to - but read it and understand.

Dix

BR - When Skateboards Will be Free by Said Sayrafiezadeh

I won this book but am not quite sure who or from who. I guess it might be one of the competitions I do on the Penguin site. It just turned up one day and I thought, hey this sounds interesting. And it was.

It is an amazing auto biography of a lad being brought up in USA whose parents are devout (and I think that is the right word) socialists. They truly believe in the workers revolutions. He tells how this has so affected his life, his childhood and his view on being an adult. I just really liked it. I guess I have read stories like this when children grow up in very religious environments but to hear it from a political point of view was really interesting. The choices his parents made in order to follow their principles and how his life had been because of this.

If you want a good and different read I recommend this. I think it is a keeper - something I will read again.

Dix

Various Voice Harold Pinter

I was given this book as a birthday present and have read it in little 'snippets' over the year. I have always like Pinter but have to admit to not always fully understanding his work (maybe that is what Pinter wanted?). I really enjoyed reading his poetry although some of it was, I guess beyond me, and some - particularly the later work and his political work) I have found extraordinary. I feel that once he was aware of his illness and his own mortality that his work became more empathatic and certainly easier for me to connect to. I enjoyed the short fiction and found this very inspiring but most of all I enjoyed his interviews and that he was not afraid to pass an opinion, not afraid to have a political view, even though this must have affected his career. He was very knowledgeable on American politics and talks at length about this (I must admit it did become a bit overdone in places) but also refreshing - if that makes sense. I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand Pinter (the writer and the man) and is willing to explore his work with an open mind. And because it is presented in small snippets and pieces presents a perfect opportunity to do this. My copy is written on (in pencil) when I found pieces that amazed or interested me (I know some people find this terrible to write on books but I find it helps when revisiting them). Anyway here is a small piece that I particularly liked, more may follow. Thank you Harold Pinter.

Democracy

There's no escape.

The big pricks are out.

They'll fuck everything in sight.

Watch your back.

Harold Pinter - March 2003

Not earth shattering I know but still so relevant - don't you think?

Dix

Harold Pinter

Democracy

There's no escape.
The big pricks are out.
They'll fuck everything in sight.
Watch your back.

March 2003


Oh how true - Harold Pinter knew what he was talking about even though he couldn't, in the end, make a difference.

Can anyone make a difference?

Tuesday 2nd March

1970 - The Prime Minister of Rhodesia Ian Smith, declared his country a republic.

I remember this, I don't think he really wanted to do but kinda had to. Things were changing in the world and Rhodesia couldn't stay the same, although South Africa hung on for a while. I think it was a really good thing but something is nagging in the back of my mind? Maybe I should look it up.

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

Hmmm, don't think so - isn't that just being a coward - if someone needs to hear the truth then I believe it should only be said with love and then you stay to listen to their opinion and be prepared to be wrong. Or you say it to someone you dislike and stand there to watch the fall out. Or maybe you just run!

**********

On a personal note today is my nephews 40th birthday and god it is making me feel old. I will say I was only 8 when he was born (so now you know how old I am) but I remember he was such a lovely little boy - so gentle and really beautiful. Don't get me wrong he is still a good person, a nice man and a good father. (And he hasn't had the easiest of lives so even greater to him than man he has become) but wow it has just made me feel really old. It will only be a couple of years and my eldest will be 30 - should I take to my bed now??

Mind you it's my 50th next year - hope I am here to celebrate it.

More useless blog information

Friday 12th - 1809 the birth of pioneering English naturalist, Charles Darwin.

It seems unbelievable but his anniversary last year proved that this could still be a contentious statement.

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.

Saturday 13th/Sunday 14th - in 1984 (14th) British ice dancers, Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean, triumphed at the Winter Olympics.

I remember this being a big deal at the time but I just couldn't get into to it. I remember watching it and thinking OMG this is so boring. Don't mind a bit of ice skating on TV now although don't go out of my way to watch it but I do understand the importance of a British Gold Medal at the Winter Olympics and how it makes everyone feel good. Anything that makes everyone feel good in these times has got to be great.

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.

At the moment my whole life feels like this!!

Monday 15th - the birth of Clare Short, British Labour politician, in Northern Ireland.

She is someone I feel I should know more about - is she a good and worthy person or just another 'dis-honorable' MP. I seem to remember she left under some sort of cloud but was that because she acted badly or because she went against policy - hmm, maybe I should find out.

We should give meaning to life, not wait for life to give us meaning.

At the moment I am trying to understand what meaning my life has. I feel like I am being punished for being a bad person yet what have I done that is so bad. I am worried I am going to mess up for 'boy' and worried who is coming to demand money next and worried what is going to break next - including material and health - and just worried to be alive. This is not a good state to be in and all I can do is try and concentrate on being a good carer for 'boy', keeping myself mentally and physically healthy and just getting through each day - I find myself looking for a sign to show me what I have done that is so bad so at least I can learn. I guess I must already know but just don't want to hear it. Oh well at some point it will smack me straight in the face and then I will know if I am strong enough.

Another self-obsessed day - no I not going to let this happen - just let it all out on my blog and then keep going. I think it is ok for my to be a 'sad sack' on my blog - although I think even the few readers I have will get sick of it and move on - or tell me to 'get over it'. Both is ok, both will help me in some way. Blogging helps me in someway.

An angry day

Yesterday, Monday, I was angry. I felt betrayed and very angry. And the trouble is I can't really go into here. Maybe later. But just to say and very long string of swear words (with nothing else in between) and a trying to be calming conversation with JC really didn't help. But I will think on it and see if I can find a answer!!!

On Monday 1st Feb in 1896 the world premiere of Giacomo Puccini's opera, La Boheme was performed in Turin.

It's on my bucket list that I would love to see an Opera in full. I must admit our local city theatre does have full length good quality opera being performed so it wouldn't be too hard to tick this one off - maybe this year if I save up hard (and as long as Take That aren't touring!). Must get my priorities right.

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

See above. Yesterday I lost lots of 60 seconds and I am still not sure about how many I will lose today.

Boy has a annual review today, lots of social workers coming to my house, talking in letters and making judgements on him from little snippets of information. Trouble is those little snippets are mainly written about the negatives and not great big hulks about the positive. I feel it is my job to focus on the positive and make that totally over balance the negative. Because that is the truth of him.

And finally - a little bit of politics......

Did anyone notice this week - I would not be surprised if you didn't because it was glossed over fairly quickly - that two MP's had appealed against their expenses claims and had won. So even though they had mad extortionate claims, then been caught out - publicly - all they have to do is appeal, say we didn't really break the letter of the law and hey presto - you can have the money and all is sweet and dandy. Is that how it works? Well is does for MP's, it does for those with power and lots and lots of money already. Because in my mind MP's don't have to think about what is morally correct, they don't have to worry about how millions of people are struggling like hell just to live on less than they claimed for a bloody duck house, they don't have to worry about real people because they have money and power. Our MP's call themselves honorable, the Right Honorable etc etc. I personally would like to have that term removed from there title because man or women, whatever ever their race, creed or age there is nothing honorable about our politicians.

They will be coming around soon -telling us what they have achieved, making promises that they don't even intend to keep or that they will pass a law that looks like it is doing the right thing but is so half arsed that it is not worth the paper it is written on (eg fox hunting) and holding babies. I hope to god they don't come to my door or they just might have an conversation!!!!!!!!

Is this a thing about 13th's

In 2001 San Salvador, the capital of El Salvador was devastated by a huge earthquake.

Today the people of Haiti suffered the same fate - is this something about the 13th. Whatever my thoughts are with those who have lost much in the earthquake.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

It has never stopped the politicians and those of us who continue to blindly vote believing in 'our Western democracy.'

It's wednesday,Poetry, Spike Miligan,

It's wednesday and I always hate wednesday. They are right smack in the middle of week, too far away from the weekend. Although why the weekend bothers me as I am working this weekend I don't know. But it is something about wednesdays - I always feel tired on a wednesday and want the day to be over. But sometimes I have really good wednesdays. I wonder what sort of wednesday I am going to have today?

Not much to say today so thought I would post another Spike Milligan poem.

Ulster, Derry 1972

When the only colour is black-
the only sound
the broken bell
Then talk to me about why.

By Spike Milligan

and another small untitled peice

GOD MADE NIGHT
BUT
MAN MADE DARKNESS

By Spike Milligan

I assume the first one was about the war in Northern Ireland and the second is just about man. Both seems so appropriate to the state this world is in 30+ years later. Somethings just never change.

The Sniper's Journal

I watched a program about Afganistan on TV this week.
It showed families morning their children and trying to make sense of it.
Trying to justify their deaths.
It showed a young man with death in his eyes telling us he is a sniper, telling us he has killed 19.
19 dead and written in his notebook because snipers keep count.
19 dead and written in his notebook because snipers keep a death journal.
And his father, who took him to a firing range to learn how to use his pistol before he went on service.
So he could teach his son to defend himself at close range.
His father was proud.
His father is a sniper too.
It's their family trade.
And it saved his son's life.
It saved his life the day he pulled his burning best friend from their bombed vehicle.
Another one to write in his sniper journal.
His sniper journal full of 19 dead, no names, no descriptions, just how he killled them and where. 19 dead in the snipers journal.

By Me

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog.
It's been a long time since I did anything creative
and my mind is struggling under the need
to tell the stories hidden there
to live in world of my own making
and paint and draw
badly.

I have been reading alot, but in little bites as if my concentration has gone back to pre degree length of not very long. Everything is not very good at the moment. I am lonelier than I have ever been, feeling unloved and very alone. After 27 years my relationship is over. I think we have both known for a while that it is not so good but hearing it come out of both our mouths is painful.

And who can say what the future holds. Poverty - definately. Homelessness - I hope not. Lots of alone time - how will I cope? Loss of friends - couples get invited - singles don't. Finding new friends - could be fun or a complete mine field.

I have never really been physically alone - lived at home then left got married etc. But I have been alone lots I just always had the trappings of company - if that make sense. I have my children but not sure I have such a good relationship with them or maybe I did the right thing and let them go off into the world and live their lives. Wish we were closer - emotionally and with my youngest physically but I know that I love them and hope one day they will come to understand me better and I them. Does that come with old age?

Anyway the last few months have been strange. I feel very angry with the world. Sorry gonna talk politics. Where shall I start? The price of petrol. It is so expensive I got myself an electric bike. It is brilliant and fun but the truth is I can only afford one tank of petrol a month. This is making it very difficult to go and see my daughter and friends and visit interesting arty places and events. And why is petrol so expensive? We are told because crude oil is expensive but why have the oil companies been allowed to make the biggest profits they have ever made? Because politicians don't care. And very rich people are making lots of money. The working people have to just pay up and shut up. And bigger and bigger profits are made and life gets harder for the working person.

And then there is the two wars. This country makes money out of war (or the very rich do and yes I have read Micheal Moore) and other people die. How many now - hundreds but that's ok as that pompous Coronel said 'It is for the greater cause.' Well sorry - BOLLOCKS - there is no greater cause. Young people are dying for old men. Young people are dying for oil and politics. This is not right. This is so wrong. And yet it will continue and nothing will change until these wars stop making powerful people money or things get so bad at home the powerful people have to stop. But it will only be for a while.

Then there is the price of food. My favourite margarine is over £4 a tub. £4 for a tub of margarine - that just madness. (I know I sound like a really old person but come on £4 for a tub of margarine - what is going on?) Another powerful person, was it the Head of the Bank of England told us we have just got to live with it. Put up with the price rises and not ask for more. Come on - a £4 pot of margarine probably does not mean much to him on his at least 6 figure wages (probably in reality much more). I earn just over 10 grand - guess what a £4 pot of marg means I can't have it any more, £1.25 for a loaf of bread means I have to have a cheaper and less quality alternative, £5 a gallon petrol means I can't see my friends and family, £7+ for prescriptions means I have to go without until the next pay day etc etc.

So people say at the next general election vote for someone else. Who? They are all the same just in different colours. Self serving. What is wrong with politics - polititians! They will give themselves a pay rise next year, they will keep claiming expenses for their friends and family and then justifying it - ha - and we will keep putting up with it. They are on 6 figure wages, what do they care about me.? Why should they? Once we put them there they have all the power and don't care about the ordinary person anymore. What would I do about it?

Nobody should vote!When the next election comes - just stay away - in our millions. Make the outcome a complete farce.

Vote for the 'Don't vote for politians party!!!!'.

At least this would be more truthful than the current farce of politics and it might be more truthful to democracy - although I hate using that word in the same sentence as modern politics. It sickens me.

Anyway enough you say - ranting, ranting, ranting. I know but I just wanted to say these things even if no one ever reads them. It makes me feel better. Oh my god am I a female Victor Meldrew or just a grumpy old woman. Who knows - who cares?