Alone and blogging

I haven't really been able to blog for a while in fact there is so much in my life that I haven't been able to manage. I know I may have put this before but to explain my 30 year marriage ended 15 weeks ago now. He left me by sending a text message and ran off with one of my best friends. And it hurts so much. Every day I just hope it will start getting easier - and to be honest in some ways it is. I no longer want him back. I realise that what he has done is so bad and has hurt so much there is no going back. But still I wake every morning with them in my head and I go to sleep the same and in between I have moments of OK, moments of better than OK and moments of utter hell.

I ache inside, I ache with loneliness. I feel it like a pain. I know it is too soon to even be thinking about starting another relationship but I so miss having someone around. After 30 years, even though they weren't all good I so miss waking up beside someone, having someone to talk to, discussing the rubbish on TV, eating with and so on and so on. Some days I really believe that one day there will be someone else for me but most days all I feel is a great be empty hole of the future of being alone, of coping alone. And I absolutely hate it.

Today is a bad day, a really bad day - lots and lots of crying already, up at 5am because I can't bear lying there thinking of them, thinking of what they have done. I can't ring my friends crying anymore - I have had enough of me so I know they have. I want it to stop -I want the days to be better, I want to feel like I can cope with boy and just make a life for myself alone and not keep feeling like this. I know many many people live alone and they do just fine, they are happy and able to live their life to the full. I have done so many things to try and make this go away but it just wont. I am at college one day a week, I volunteer, I have got the house much tidier and have really cleared the clutter, I cook and I clean and I do the garden and I cut wood - lots and lots of things. But I still have so many days like today when I just feel so empty, so alone and can't stop crying.

I know if I just make myself then I should be writing - that may be the savour to my life - if I can write everyday and really get into it I might stop feeling like this but trouble is my concentration span is hopeless, my confidence lower than usual and my avoidance huge.

I have started to do some jogging, maybe physical exercise will stop the pain and help me continue to loose weight and help me see a future for myself.

So here is my first blog for a while and yes it is just me feeling sorry for myself - as another blogger puts it a proper visit from the 'self pity' gnome. I don't know if it will help but I have to try, I have to try anything to stop myself feeling like this. I know somewhere inside I have the means to move on but some days I just can't summon it up.

If anyone is reading this 'I am sorry' but if it helps me at all I am not.

dix

I am living

I am living on paracetamol
and pain. They're my
constant companions.
Each time I think about the lies
and betrayal,
it hurts so much.


A pain that sits beside
my heart, behind my
chest bone. Inside me.
I find the lies the worst
making it all my fault,
justifying what they have
done.
I cry at thoughts of them,
I cry with temper and
anger at thoughts of her.
I cry when I talk about them
I don't want to talk about them
anymore.
I don't want to talk,
I don't want to think,
I don't want to cry,
I don't want to anymore.

Dix

Strength and Weakness

At the moment I am on this roller coaster ride of pain. One minute I feel strong, I feel like I can do this, that somehow I can make it in the future and everything will be OK. The next I am afraid and weak. I want to see him. I want him to come around and tell me everything is going to be OK because that is what has happened in my life for the last 30 years. I am especially weak when I know he has to visit or I know he is seeing my daughter.

On the good days I feel strong - I feel like I can face everything that is to be thrown at me and in the future I will find happiness and kindness and love.

On the bad days I feel weak and ugly and think that I deserve this, that I was a bad wife, that I am a bad person and that I just can't manage without him. That if I just really promise the earth, if I just tell him how afraid and ugly and bad I am and that it was all my fault he will come back and I will be OK.

The truth is I don't really want him back. I really don't. Sometimes enough is enough. He has hurt me so much. If he had just gone off with some stranger it would have been more bearable but he left with one of my friends. Someone who I had been friends with for a long time. Neither of them give an absolute stuff about me and my feelings. They are selfish and nasty. Neither of them care what they have done to my family.

I know I can't go back because if I did I would not survive. I would lose myself completely. But I also know I hate that he is happy, I hate that they have done this to me, I want them to feel just a bit of the pain that I feel. I want to know that my future is going to be OK and that one day I will find happiness and feel loved in some way. I just want to feel good about myself.

I have already lost a stone in weight and hope this trend will continue. I know that being slimmer will help my confidence and help me feel better about myself. But I also know that my strength needs to come from a much deeper place than this. I know that in order for me to have the future that I need I will have to learn to love myself much more, I will have to be strong and confident and just give it all a go. I will have to take the bad (and I am sure there is going to be lots of bad) and move over it. Get through it.

At the moment I have good friends and my children have just been amazing. I know I can't go on leaning on them as I have but am grateful of the help at the moment.

The truth is it has only been 2 weeks and I shouldn't beat myself up for having these moments of weakness. I should except them and move on. I should not think I am a bad person for sending him a silly text saying I don't know if I can go on alone. Sometimes I will be weak but these moments will get further apart and each day will not start the with the same pain of loneliness and unhappiness. Somewhere alone the line I will find a way for me to survive without the constant pain.

So today I need to except I am only human, that I will make mistakes, that they have really hurt me and that sometimes this will show and that is OK. Some days will be bad and others will be better because I am only human. I really don't deserve what has happened to me and I must stop thinking that I do. Nobody deserves this. I have to give myself the compassion that I would give someone else.

I know some of this is easier said than done but I am gonna try.

Diana

Keeping busy but...

There were times yesterday when I didn't hurt so bad. I kept busy, really, really, busy. I chopped wood and gardened and the front of the house looks a bit better. A long way to go but at least I now know it is do-able.

I was knackered. Actually sat in the chair and fell asleep. Another good thing really as I haven't slept like that for over a week and it felt OK to sleep because I was tired. But the trouble is as soon as I stop, as soon as I have a moment all the terrible thoughts just come back and I am eaten up by the pain and the anger.

I don't want to be but I can't stop my mind. I woke up the morning after a pretty good nights sleep and realise I was dreaming about her, about telling her what I thought, about telling her just how much pain she had inflicted on me. And it was awful. I don't want this to happen but it happens anyway.

Then I get up and I feel the physical pain inside. It is like grief and I guess I am suffering grief. A pain of loss. Yesterday I thought about the feelings I have for him. Guess I do still love him (or maybe it is just care for him a little bit). But we had 30 years together and even though he doesn't thinks so - most of the time it was good. We were friends, he was my support. We had good loving sex and were together. Now I don't have that anymore. He told me it is over and that is that but I just can't get to that point yet. I will I know I will but for me it is going to take a lot longer that just a week.

I realise that I shouldn't beat myself up about this. 30 years to a week - nothing. I realise it is OK to be frightened, even though things were bad he was still about, I still depended on him for a lot. These are the things I have to get used to. I can't ask him about cooking, I can't ask him to help with Boy, I can't talk to him about my beautiful girls. These things I can't do anymore. Yesterday I nearly texted him about where something was. I didn't. I get it - I can't anymore. And all day in my head I kept thinking about reasons to text him. I didn't. Instead I asked myself why I wanted to do this. And I guess the answer is above.

In my mind I know things will eventually get better for me (even though I suspect they will get worse first before they get better). In my mind I know that learning to be strong and independent will be a really good thing for me. In my mind I hope that one day I can find someone new and be loved again. Even if it is not a permanent thing. In my mind I hope I can bring up Boy on my own and do a good job. But at the moment my mind is also racing full of all the pain and suffering and the hurt. So there is a lot of competition in there.

And that competition is not always such a good thing.

Dix

Betrayed and Alone

I have been unable to blog for a while. I have been unable to sleep, unable to eat and really am struggling to function as a person. You see my husband has run off and left me. That is bad but in a way I think our marriage was over a long time ago - too many lies, no real trust but worst of all no energy to even keep fighting.

The thing is he has gone off with one of my best friends. Anybody who knows me would know that friends are really important to me. I have always trusted my friends or just not been their friend. We have been friends for over 26 years. We went on holiday together, the four of us, couples enjoying our time together, and our children grew up like family.

I feel so betrayed. He left by sending me a text message - 30 years and all I got was a text message. What? But most of all I can't get my head around how she did this to me. I never thought she would. I thought we were friends. I thought I could trust her. I couldn't. Can I trust anyone ever again?

I can't sleep - I am having trouble being with myself because I am not sure how I feel about that. I am so angry, so hurt. I have so much to deal with and have to keep strong for boy - have to keep strong for my girls. But really I just want to curl up. I want to turn off my head - just for a while and make it all go away. I want to have company and love. I want someone to just make me feel special. I know that they are cosying up and having a great time and I am alone.

It is not that I want him back - I don't - enough is enough but just for a minute I wish I had someone to make me feel better. To make me feel loved.

I know I have to get past this. I know I can find the value in myself and realise that I am lovable and that I am beautiful in my own way but for a long time I have felt ugly and valueless and it is going to be hard to get over this.

I know I shouldn't ask but anyone out there reading my blog please pray for me (or whatever faith or hope you have) and help me find the strength to sleep, to feel good, to keep going and to love again. I know it is a lot to ask but any help would be just great at the moment.


Sorry for asking but I just need help to find a way forward.

Dix

What ....

Today I had a really strange and annoying experience. Life at work is odd and sometimes difficult anyway so anything that makes it more difficult than it needs just makes life well... what?

I work with a women who I am having difficulty getting on with - we just don't sign from the same hymn sheet. She seems to cause confusion whenever she comes in - especially when I am there.

Today I asked her a simple question - 'Are you using the van all day tomorrow?' I didn't think it was a contentious question, I couldn't understand why it turned into one. Simple question - simple answer Yes or No. But no this is not what happened. Instead a surreal conversation that then involved the Service User I work with and then went into complete overload.

The outcome - the answer was Yes she has got the bus all day. But I was made to feel like I had done something wrong, which I hadn't, and realise it is just another nail in the coffin which means I wont get kept on as relief.

Thanks Pal ------for nothing.

Dix

Be in my bonnet!

I have really got a bee in my bonnet today.

See the thing is I hate feeling like I have been manipulated. If I have said no, then normally it is for a reason - not just because 'I said so'. Over the last few months we have had lots of conversations with Boy about Tennis. He really wants to play tennis but as we explained it is very expensive and not something we could put lots of money into without knowing how it is going to 'pan out'. We have already paid for a football season that he got asked to leave and he does have this habit of starting things and then coming up with lots of reasons why he can't keep going at them. I know maybe it sounds mean but we do have to be very sensible with money and anyway he can't necessarily have everything he wants.

So what happens, he talks to his Independent Visitor, a nice lady about his birthday and says that he has always wanted to play tennis but we wont let him because of the money. So she came back to us and said why doesn't he pay for it out of his birthday money (he doesn't want anything in particular and so it make sense). Well it makes sense to me but he does not want that at all. He thinks we should just pay, pay, pay and never mind how much.

So I am thinking this about game playing to get his own way and it has actually back fired on him big time. And that has made me angry. So guess what, he is having tennis lessons for his birthday and because he has been such a little brat about it I am sooooo sticking to my guns. He has really pissed me off with the attitude. I know all children think they are hard done by and everyone else has stuff they don't but he is making a profession out of it.

I feel like a really stubborn donkey but hey it don't feel so bad.

The Big Conversation

Last night I went to meeting about the Big Conversation. The Big Con should it be called. It was a meeting set up to give Foster Carers a voice in the cuts proposed for Children's Services. In other words asking us to think about who we want to cut so that the council and the government can say - look the people wanted these cuts - it was there decision.

As I sat in the meeting all I could think about was the film Brassed Off - this poor woman was optimistically trying to sell us this deal when I think we all knew that the decision had already been made, and that probably ultimately she was as likely to be a victim as us.

The suggestion is that all Foster Carer's will no longer come under the Council but will all be shipped out to Agency (I can't see how this is going to be cheaper but it sure will make some one huge amounts of money). Nobody could answer where Kinship Foster Carers stand in this deal, nobody could answer the question about cuts in Social Workers, Special Guardians, Youth schemes and so on. In fact there was a lot of no information that we were supposed to be discussing.

I left being worried, I left feeling that the most vulnerable people are going to be so badly affected by these cuts, that normal everyday people will lose their jobs and nobody will see it is wrong until we get another Baby P, or someone notices how many children in care end up in prison, or on the streets or worse.

On a personal basis not sure how I am going to manage with out my Foster Care Allowance - it has allowed me to take time out to be Boys parent, to give him time to settle and adjust to family life and if I am truly honest it has given me time to get used to him and being a parent again.

If the money is cut or taken away - will he stay - absolutely bloody yes, will it be hard, absolutely bloody yes. We will both have much less time for him , less money to allow him to do things and much less support from professionals who have supported us through this first year.

We should have more answers in February - or will we just have more flannel, more questions and more anger. Is this really what people voted for? Do we really have to take all the flack at the bottom when bankers and MP's and the very rich get off Scot free?

Glad I never voted for the wankers - don't get me wrong all politicians are the same. What is it 'Power corrupts -well we have certainly seen that with the Lib Dems!

And don't even get me started on the price of diesel!!!


Dix

Not really sure what I want to say

My sister in law and her husband have come home from Australia and I was really looking forward to seeing them. I have never been close to my in-laws, always feeling that they look down on me and that we are unable to connect. But whilst she has been in Australia it has felt like we were at least getting on and connecting in someway. But at the party it was the same old crap - her husband was pissed (as he always is when I see him) and he started on boy. For no reason other than he is a twit and an arsehole. I tried to get boy to come away but he wouldn't although I will say he tried to stand up for himself which is infact, totally useless when speaking to a drunken idiot. I found myself getting really angry with my husband - it is his job to defend boy against his family, not mine. And I am still angry with him over it. Just as I am still angry with him over loosing all our money and running up such huge debts. I wonder really if I will ever forgive him or we will ever be back to a nice normal way of life, if I will ever find any sort of happiness again.

I guess probably not - just this everyday existence to the end.

An angry day

Yesterday, Monday, I was angry. I felt betrayed and very angry. And the trouble is I can't really go into here. Maybe later. But just to say and very long string of swear words (with nothing else in between) and a trying to be calming conversation with JC really didn't help. But I will think on it and see if I can find a answer!!!

On Monday 1st Feb in 1896 the world premiere of Giacomo Puccini's opera, La Boheme was performed in Turin.

It's on my bucket list that I would love to see an Opera in full. I must admit our local city theatre does have full length good quality opera being performed so it wouldn't be too hard to tick this one off - maybe this year if I save up hard (and as long as Take That aren't touring!). Must get my priorities right.

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

See above. Yesterday I lost lots of 60 seconds and I am still not sure about how many I will lose today.

Boy has a annual review today, lots of social workers coming to my house, talking in letters and making judgements on him from little snippets of information. Trouble is those little snippets are mainly written about the negatives and not great big hulks about the positive. I feel it is my job to focus on the positive and make that totally over balance the negative. Because that is the truth of him.

And finally - a little bit of politics......

Did anyone notice this week - I would not be surprised if you didn't because it was glossed over fairly quickly - that two MP's had appealed against their expenses claims and had won. So even though they had mad extortionate claims, then been caught out - publicly - all they have to do is appeal, say we didn't really break the letter of the law and hey presto - you can have the money and all is sweet and dandy. Is that how it works? Well is does for MP's, it does for those with power and lots and lots of money already. Because in my mind MP's don't have to think about what is morally correct, they don't have to worry about how millions of people are struggling like hell just to live on less than they claimed for a bloody duck house, they don't have to worry about real people because they have money and power. Our MP's call themselves honorable, the Right Honorable etc etc. I personally would like to have that term removed from there title because man or women, whatever ever their race, creed or age there is nothing honorable about our politicians.

They will be coming around soon -telling us what they have achieved, making promises that they don't even intend to keep or that they will pass a law that looks like it is doing the right thing but is so half arsed that it is not worth the paper it is written on (eg fox hunting) and holding babies. I hope to god they don't come to my door or they just might have an conversation!!!!!!!!

My New Years Eve

No one was at fault but my New Year's Eve was awful - a total disaster. Probably the worst one I ever had. We had been invited to my sister in laws house and our best mates for a party and we normally go down our local pub. But this year we have 'Boy' so we decided to chose a place we could all go.
Unfortunately 'my other half' was what we call 'sick and bad' all day so I ended up going nowhere. He went to bed and I stayed up with 'Boy' until he went to bed and then I curled up on the settee watching 'Love Actually' again, eating from a huge box of chocolates and drinking a far too strong Pernod. My mobiles recieved loads of messages from people wishing me Happy New Year.

And I wanted to cry - I wanted to cry for missing out on my family and mates down the pub, for getting drunk (which I don't do often - yeah you cry but it is true) and laughing and singing and being happy stupid and kissing people at midnight and not caring about any of it.
In fact I didn't need to sit on the settee wallowing because I could have called up the stairs to let 'him' know I was going out and driven down the pub to have a good time. I could have stayed sober and had a good time.
It would have been fun.

My lesson learnt - stop being sorry for myself and take action - I didn't need to sit feeling lonely and unhappy as my mates would have been pleased to see me - I need to understand that I am loved as I love others (in a friendship sort of way of course) - I will be always be happier regreting what I did than regretting not doing it (if you see what I mean).

The only good think about the evening was I got to text with JC about how creative we are going to be next year (us and Luna). Proper plans being made for writing and blogging and putting work out there.

Watch this space.

Yesterday I went to buy a computer

Yesterday I went to buy a computer. This I thought, should be a relatively easy thing to do, even in my small coastal town. My plan, to visit the three or four places where I might chose from a reasonable selection, chose the one I liked the best within my price range, buy and take it home. Easy peasy! In this time of recession, surely these shops would be happy to do business, they would be falling over themselves to sell me a laptop and take my money - take my cash and add another sale to their figures. But no - how silly of me to be optimistic and think that the customer matters - that sales need to be made.

Shop number 1 - Staples - quite a good selection, a few within my price range, not sure about the returns policy if I have any problems but a possibility nevertheless. Problem- the sales assistants are all 12, standing at the counter, chewing large pieces of gum and talking to their mates, also chewing large pieces of gum, about going out and other mates. They did stare at me a couple of times in that 'what are you doing in my shop, trying to get attention, wasting my time, thinking you are going to buy something' kinda way.

I decided I wasn't in the mood for teenage interaction and thought this is OK because it is the first shop and I should do better elsewhere.

Shop number 2 - Bennetts - a smallish selection in my price range but two I was really interested in. Managed to get the shop assistants attention, although he insisted on taking obviously very important pieces of paper out the back first, before he served me but he did come back. A very, very large man, who kinda rumbled around puffing. How dare I make him move around by asking questions? How dare I make him breath?
Anyway chose notebook, nice model had what I wanted within my price bracket. Hurray, purchase and go. But no, no, no. They don't actually have that model in stock, in fact, they don't really have any of the models in stock, been a big rush on computers in the area!, I can order it and it may arrive next week. When I point out that maybe they should not be displaying items they haven't got to sell, I am told in a very 'you stupid woman' sort of way, that if they didn't display models that they didn't stock then there would be nothing on the display - huh! am I the only one who doesn't see the logic in this. I point out that I might as well buy one online than order and wait for a possibility with them and leave pointing out that I will try their major competitor. By this time I am becoming peeved - he doesn't really care though - just goes back behind the counter where he doesn't have to walk or breath.

Shop number 3 - Currys - a nice selection and three I can chose from. I chose the Dell as this was what I intended in the first place. The assistant is helpful, I do vaguely know him, and when he checks availability there are plenty and most of all there is a pink one. I really wanted a pink one, so decided hey, I am going to get the notebook I wanted, in price range. It is located in the stock room, eventually, the chap is on lunch - half past four, but hey he works until 8 - and brought down. No deal to be done but I think it is exactly what I want so go with it. I did notice the seal was open but thought hey, maybe the guy was just checking the colour.
I buy it and take it home, full of smug happiness at getting exactly what I wanted.

But no, no, no.

I turn it on and get this strange Currys screen saver that just goes around and around with a password to exit. No password available and only advice on password is that you need to read the readme.txt on CD. Only problem this machine has no CD drive. Ho, hum. So I mess about a while thinking I can guess password, which of course, I can't. Then I think ring the store, no probs. So I ring the number on the receipt where eventually, after pressing 1 and 2, and 1 and 2 etc, etc, I speak to a nice, a helpful tech guy who tells me that my notebook is actually a used one, has been on display and only the store can remove the Currys screen saver. By this time my blood is starting to boil. But he says, ring again and get put through to the store and they will sort it out. So I ring again, lots of 1 and 2, 1 and 2, etc, etc before I speak to a lady with only a basic grasp of English who tells me I can't speak to my local store - why? - but that the store code with get rid of the screen saver - it doesn't and I have to tell her a few times, it doesn't. OK then I will have to take it back - so I say fair enough - can I speak to the store to arrange to have another put aside - no I can't speak to the store but she will. She goes back and forth and eventually tells me they have no more - even though I saw at least 15 on the computer in stock, and that I can have my money back.

After tea I drive back to the store, get my money back, moan about service, moan about being sold a used notebook, moan about not being able to speak to local store, and then they tell me may take up to 2 days to refund - what!!!! and drive home again. No computer - and possibly no money until after the weekend.

Eat chocolate muffins and drink alcohol.

A Victor Meldrew Moment!

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not really one for getting tied up in knots about the 'Queen's English'. I still struggling with knowing what are nouns, pro-nouns, adverbs etc so I basically write instinctively. (Although others may not agree). I have tried teaching myself this grammer stuff, but I struggle to really understand but yet I am still able to write. I think growing up in the 60's and going through modern teaching practices, which really seemed to mean they taught you nothing (especially at in country secondary modern). I am dyslexic (what an awful word to describe someone who struggles with words) although I think it is quite mild by some standards. I struggle with a,e, iou, type words eg Brian becomes Brain and Dairy becomes Diary (not helpful when using a spell checker). But I struggle on. But recently something has really been 'pissing' me off. Everytime I turn on the TV, someone is using this work incorrectly and I find myself screaming at the TV.
What am I talking about?
The use of the word specific.

specific
adjective relating to one thing and not others; particular:

The virus attacks specific cells in the brain.
The money is intended to be used for specific purposes.
FORMAL
The disease seems to be specific to (= only found in) certain types of plant.
Is there anything specific you want from the shops?

NOT

pacific

pacific adjective peaceful or helping to cause peace

or the name for an ocean

The two words are not (in my opinion) interchangeable and should not be used as such.

So the next time some idiot on the TV talks about a pacific item or even pacifically I am going to scream, shout and probably throw something.

I just can't help it.

Another hideous day over

Well I have got through another Wednesday. And yes it was pretty bad. It is very strange to have to work in a building with someone who will not respond with me in any way. When I am instructed, ney, ordered to stay down the other end of the building in order not to offend her. Well guess what (excuse me for this) bollocks!! I did speak to her, even though she didn't respond and I did try to just do my job as normal. But God was it difficult. All day I had this nagging tightness in my chest, like a heavy pain of anxiety that just sat there and 'plugged' at me all day. And then I got a headache, a guess it was a stress headache and now I am just thoroughly knackered. Oh well another one over. Next Wednesday will be the same, then the next should be ok, then two more to endure and hopefully it will be all over - until she returns. Of course the decision has been made for me I must leave, I must move on and find something I can do, enjoy, give me some flexibility and a reasonable wage. Hey easy then - not.

Today was my last session on CBT therapy and it went well - I have definitely started to feel better but the million dollar question is can I manage without my sessions. They have helped me understand much about myself and my illness and what has changed since I was last ill five years ago but they have also been an outlet, a place to release the stress of my work situation and without that next week and am concerned at how I will manage. I realise that the situation is not my fault - that you can't make people be kind and compassionate - you can't make people like you - only just get through life the best I can.

Never mind the weekend is nearly here and that is always a good thing. I can make it through the next two days and then rest and sleep and do lots of housework and tidy the garden and write letters and and and. Do I really want the weekend to come?

I really need to read a good book. I have finished a couple recently and haven't started to anything new and I need to. I must sort through my 'books to read' pile and pick one I fancy. Maybe something not too heavy and not too long. Maybe that is not the best reason to read a book but it is an ok reason because at least I am reading something.

Anyway my bed is calling. See ya.

Anger

Over the last couple of weeks I have recorded and watched a very interesting program on the BBC about anger called 'Losing it:Griff Rhys Jones'. This program has really made me think and want to challenge my own anger and to understand the role it has to play in my overcoming illness.

It was really interesting to understand how angry grows and how the physical symptoms are very recognisable and so can be stopped before getting too strong. Also to understand that some anger is healthy (part of fight or flight) but even then it should be controlled into a positive outlet.

My situation at work has made me very angry, this is becoming an obsession and then it is making me ill. So a solution is possible. Stop being so angry. Should I forgive the person who I feel has wronged me? And is that forgiveness a way of taking back control in a healthy way or it is just a way of being superior to the other person. (That old martyr for the cause or just want to be immortal arguements). But the truth is it doesn't matter because if it makes me well and it makes my life easier and happier then that is ok.

Don't get me wrong some anger is necessary - you have to be able to stand up for yourself otherwise you just become a doormat and others will take advantage. I believe this can't be helped it is our nature as human beings. But you can tell people that their behaviour is not acceptable in a way as to make it clear how you are feeling but without causing greater upset and politely getting your point accross.

I know if I control my anger I will control my obession and then not become so ill and stressed. Also in the program Griff looked at alternative methods to help you deal with anger like physical activity (in his case boxing) but I realised that I could use the Wii to help me physically work out and that walking the dog on the beach already helps. And Buddist meditation. I have wanted to go back to meditating for some time and I feel that will help. This weekend I am going to get my book and tapes out and have another go. It made me feel so wonderful before and certainly helped my mood and illness. And the quiet time is so lovely - trouble was I kept falling asleep.

I really think this program should be shown to everyone to allow them to think about their anger and how they might deal with it better.

Anyway enough of that for now - just go and watch this program online if you can - it is so worth it. In fact I wish I had kept both parts to watch again when I start to feel angry.

A goodbye to my anger (maybe)

****

Send me simmering then

To my grassy grave

Leave the empty fireplace

Liberate the slave

Look last at buttercups

And the carters lane

The blinds are pulled

The kettle boiled

Was it all in vain?

Spike Milligan

31 August 1990

And this is me today (3)

I started the day really angry and frustrated. I am not sure why, maybe tiredness and the knowledge that I have no time to relax - just going from one thing to the other until falling into bed to non sleep from over tiredness. Never mind I have got Saturday off so maybe a sleep in or a long luxurious walk on the beach with the dog in the sunshine.



Anyway I was angry and upset, prone to tears and then the day went really well and now I feel, even though I still have loads to do that it has been a good day and I haven't wanted to eat rubbish and I haven't wanted to change my life etc. Anyway it is strange how what starts off bad turns out good. It's like going to a spouses work do - I really dread it and think I won't know anyone and I will feel fat and ugly and then I go with utter dread, thinking of excuses to call off and have a really good time and don't feel fat or stupid in fact often the opposite.



Not much time to write today - I am just about to take an hour for my fix of Neighbours and Home and Away (although both are slightly silly at the moment) before I am off to Weight Watchers to hopefully not be too downhearted if I have put on or not lost.



Oh well - will write again soon.



D