It's Official

It's official. I really have no clue what I am doing.

Today I am (well, I think I am meeting someone). I say I think because just at this moment I think it may not happen. Not sure why I think that, just have a feeling.

I am blindly getting on with my life. I still suffer every day. I still feel the pain everyday but hey, I am still here and I am still managing, well more than managing. So does it matter I don't know what I am doing - probably not. Maybe that is what makes life exciting. For once I have no certainty in my life. I don't know where I will be living next year, I don't really know what I will be doing, I don't know if I can manage Boy alone, I don't know if I will ever meet anyone else, I don't know if I can ever get over the betrayal, I don't know if I can ever forgive enough to get them out of my mind, I don't know if I can continue to pay the bills. I just don't know. In other words I am probably like the huge majority of people out there. I haven't a clue.

So here goes into another day - it may be good - it may be bad. It may be exciting or just plain ordinary. But here goes - here goes me who hasn't a clue.

And that is OK right now. It really is.

Dix

You have to believe

"You have to believe"

"You have to believe you can be a writer

to be a writer.

Contrasts

Contrasts

Joy, like a flower
sits in a place
right beside my
heart and blooms,
to happiness, love
and Joy.

Pain, like a wound
cuts in a place
right beside my
heart and stabs
incessantly with hurt, lies
and Pain.

Flowers bloom then
fade around the edges;
a knowledge gained from endings
and pain.
The sadness of
the summer gone.

Summer brings new
growth, and flowers,
bold and beautiful;
returning to
the joy.
The smiles and happiness of
warmth and laughter.

Big Bold Flowers with Them

Orange is gone,
long live the cream,
long live the Big Bold Flowers.
Flowers,
gold, green and brown.
Long live the darkened
contrasting curtains
that hang so eloquently ....

Sitting in between them laughing -
dying inside.
Wanting to run,
wanting to hide
but longing for fun and laughter,
longing to belong again?

My heads fuzzy,
my arms heavy from Pernod.
Knowing I have to stay,
knowing I need to stay.
Stay with them,
Free to be me with them,
Free to be me at last,
free to listen and learn and feel again.
With them.


Dix

With special thanxs to JC and your Big Bold Flowers and Luna - you are special, special people. Hope I can soon learn to be here for you again. Love Ya

Waiting

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

His return?

My acceptance?

I am waiting for my life to change.

I am waiting for change.

New horizons?

Fresh Beginnings?

Hope.

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

The pain to stop.

The hurt to subside

End.

What am I waiting for?

Waiting for what?

His return?

My acceptance?

Hope.

Dix

BR - Alone in Berlin by Hans Fallada

I picked this book up by chance on a buy 2 get one free offer.(aren't often the best books found this way). I chose it because I liked books based in this period and thought it might be something like The Book Thief, one of my favourite books. I realise I enjoy books based in the second world war.

I was really surprised by this book - firstly it was actually written just after the war, 1947 by a German who had experienced some issues during war time, secondly that it has been translated into English fairly recently (I think).

Don't get me wrong there are places where the story hardly moves at all but the atmospheric is amazing and that keeps it moving alone. It is a very good book - a proper keeper. The main characters are actually based on real people and many of the characters have the reader really hating them even when they come to a sticky end. It is full of people who are hard to like, and some that are hard to understand and some that you try to sympathise with even though you may ask would you be the same

If you are in any way interested in the second world war and want to have an idea of life in Germany for ordinary people - read this. If you just like and interesting historical read - read this - if you are prepared explore history and personalities - read this.

If not - read this anyway - you wont regret it.

Dix

BR - Michael Caine - The Elephant to Hollywood

I actually finished this book some time ago but haven't felt able to blog much recently. Will talk about that soon. I thought it was ok. He came across quite well and I enjoyed bits of the books very much, especially when he was writing about films I knew and liked but other bits were frankly a bit boring. I wouldn't read the book again but if you like Michael Caine this is defo worth a read.

Dix