I was doing OK

I was doing ok. I was trying to be strong and making it happen. I was starting to feel good about myself which is something I haven't felt for along, long time. I felt strong (ish) and that I could cope with the day to day and make plans for the future. Even if they don't work out it felt like a framework, something to make me feel safe ish.

Then I saw him again - my ex husband, that is what I am calling him just because I don't know what to call him. I can't talk about us or we anymore either. He took out boy and they had a good time and he was kind (something he hadn't been for a long time).

But I came home to him being here and I just felt all the pain and all the hurt and all the anger. And I saw his body language and I saw him ignore me and look at me in that way. I have been thrown away by him like a piece of rubbish and it is awful.

So even though I tried really hard I went into that nasty person. The nasty person who just needs to tell how much I hate her - she was my friend and has totally stabbed my in the back and I call her names and he told me not to because they are together. I get that they are together. I get that it is over. In some ways I am so glad that he has gone - that just maybe I can find out who I am and be better and stronger and believe in myself. But he doesn't get the absolute pain that has been inflicted. In his mind it has been a week (yeah a whole week) and I should just move on and forget it. Be done with it. We have been married 30 years but in one week it is over. Done. We had been friends for 26 years but I should forget, I shouldn't feel any pain, I shouldn't feel betrayed because that is just me being unreasonable, that is just me being horrible and nagging.

And just for a moment there I fell for it. I felt bad for being who I was, I felt bad for feeling what I feel. I cried and swore and felt right back to point one - alone, useless, ugly, unloved and unlovable.

You know what - fuck him and fuck her. It is not me and what I feel is not unreasonable. Just because he has moved on in one week maybe I go a bit deeper than that. Maybe I need time to readjust, find a way through, work it all out. I have a right to be hurt, to be angry, to feel this terrible pain and to show it. I have that right - he doesn't have the right to make me feel it is my fault for feeling like that.

But I have to keep moving forward - I have to come out of this stronger, confident and alive. I have to - for myself and for boy.

I rang him after he left - I don't want to see him for a while - I need the space to not feel that pain all the time. I may always feel like it - who knows but I don't want to come out of this bitter and angry all the time. I know I have to deal with the loneliness but I don't have to make myself all chewed up inside. I don't have to put up with him making me feel like that.

I need closure with her - I need to write a letter to tell her how I feel - I need that and I don't give a stuff about what it does to her. Somehow I have to find a way to get that letter to her because I need it for me.

I am not sure if I can get through this - I am not sure if I can survive - I know I have so much more to content with and that each day will be harder but I have to try. I just have to do what is right for me and what will make me strong.

Of course, not seeing him is exactly what he wants - out of sight out of mind but really I have to put that aside and forget it. I have to be strong for me and my boy. I just have to.

Betrayed and Alone

I have been unable to blog for a while. I have been unable to sleep, unable to eat and really am struggling to function as a person. You see my husband has run off and left me. That is bad but in a way I think our marriage was over a long time ago - too many lies, no real trust but worst of all no energy to even keep fighting.

The thing is he has gone off with one of my best friends. Anybody who knows me would know that friends are really important to me. I have always trusted my friends or just not been their friend. We have been friends for over 26 years. We went on holiday together, the four of us, couples enjoying our time together, and our children grew up like family.

I feel so betrayed. He left by sending me a text message - 30 years and all I got was a text message. What? But most of all I can't get my head around how she did this to me. I never thought she would. I thought we were friends. I thought I could trust her. I couldn't. Can I trust anyone ever again?

I can't sleep - I am having trouble being with myself because I am not sure how I feel about that. I am so angry, so hurt. I have so much to deal with and have to keep strong for boy - have to keep strong for my girls. But really I just want to curl up. I want to turn off my head - just for a while and make it all go away. I want to have company and love. I want someone to just make me feel special. I know that they are cosying up and having a great time and I am alone.

It is not that I want him back - I don't - enough is enough but just for a minute I wish I had someone to make me feel better. To make me feel loved.

I know I have to get past this. I know I can find the value in myself and realise that I am lovable and that I am beautiful in my own way but for a long time I have felt ugly and valueless and it is going to be hard to get over this.

I know I shouldn't ask but anyone out there reading my blog please pray for me (or whatever faith or hope you have) and help me find the strength to sleep, to feel good, to keep going and to love again. I know it is a lot to ask but any help would be just great at the moment.


Sorry for asking but I just need help to find a way forward.

Dix

A Weekend Summer School

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend a local university summer school with Boy. I have to admit as the time got nearer I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. I was worried about not fitting in; that it would be lots of big headed parents and that Boy would be out of his depth. How wrong could I be?

We had a fantastic time - in fact he quickly established himself and went off with the other children and got on with the workshops and activities. It was very tiring and very stimulating and very optimistic and everything, and much more, that I hoped it would be.

It made me understand that he copes well at school, that he does OK and that his social skills are just fine. Yeah maybe he doesn't have lots of close friends but that is OK with him so it is OK with me.

I was really tired when we came back on Sunday but also very elated, it has given us both a boost and that is good.

I have a job interview on Thursday and that is just what I needed to help me be more confident and more convinced of my ability to succeed.

A great time; a great summer school; a positive experience. Just what we needed.

Dix

WATER

I recently attended a summer school and attended a lecture about water problems in Kenya. I am sorry to say it was a tad boring and I found myself trying to stay awake and stay interested . So I began making notes that could be turned into something creative. This is what I was left with. Not sure if it is a poem or anything really - probably just a outpouring of a mind trying to stay focused.

WATER

Queue water,
Introduction water,
Community water.
Water from the tap,
Tap water,
Water from the shower,
Water for the shower,

Culture of water,
Time spent; time spent for water,
Time for water,
Tribes for water; water tribes,
Water transfer,
Water treatment,
Water pipe; piped water,
Water connection,
Transmit water; water transmission,
Water security,
Kenya water; Kenyan water,
Water pollution; polluted water,
Consumable water,
Water conflicts, conflicts of water,
Fetching water,
Irrigation, irrigate,
Well; water wells,
Rationed water; water ration,
Water charge, pay for water,
Water payments,
Water solutions; solutions to water,
Nomad water; travelling like water,
Following the rain,
Following the wetness;
Travelling water,
Certified water; water certificate,
Private water,
Managed water,
Government water,
Local water,
Provided water; water providers,
Conflict water, water conflict;
Water permits; permitted water,
Community water projects,
Failed water projects,
Failed water,
Benefits of water,
Water donors,
Waters fails,
Donors fail,
Oil like water,
Oil and water resource,
Water resource,
Female water,
Water for the girls,
Water by the girls,
Carried, collected, kept,
Harvested, owned?
Water for women,
Women’s water.
Dammed water; water dammed,
Dammed by the water,
Dam the water,
Dam water,
Coloured water,
Blue, green, black, brown,
Muddy, clear, murky, slimy,
Cold, hot, cool, warm,
Wet,
Wet water,
Dry water,
Live water,
Dead water,
Drowned.
Thirst quenching water,
Water for life,
Alive water,
Awake water,
Help water,
Rehydrating water,
WATER.
Laughing water; crying water,
Helping water; fun water,
Water, water, water
WATER.
Water to live; water for life,
WATER
Vegetable water; soup water,
Hot water,
Tea, coffee, and water,
Water economy,
Economy of water,
Money water
WATER.

Dix

Affirmation

Affirmation by Savage Garden

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument

I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands

I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you

I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do

I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem

I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality

I believe that trust is more important than monogamy

I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul

I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair

I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness

I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed

I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists

I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I have recently been listening to this album. In our house we call it Sandwich Garden after my friends young son got it wrong. I love this track and I love these lyrics. Mainly I agree with them.

Haven't worked out how to publish from YouTube but here is the link in anyone wants to have a listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPjnWympFbI

Dix

BR - No! I Don't Want to Join a Bookclub by Virginia Ironside

I brought this book from a second hand book shop just because I like the title (and the cover) and took it to London with me because it look a light read and was easy to carry.

I absolutely loved it. It made me laugh out loud - and not many books make me do that. Some of the comments were just really funny. I do except that perhaps you have to be a certain age to see the humour but I am coming up to (or already at) that certain age so it hit home.

It was funny and sad and sometimes when she is worrying about her lodger and worrying about her family and especially her grandson I really get it. It is so easy to be anxious over nothing and something that is rarely portrayed in novels.

I loved the main character, I like the other characters. I liked the plot is was easy to follow and kept moving. I like books that are written in diary form (it almost feels that you are reading someone private thoughts) and I just wanted to keep reading.

This is not an earth shattering, life changing novel. It is not high brow but it is fun and written for adults and well written and has a beginning, a middle and an end. I would recommend it to people and would have been glad if someone had recommended it to me.

If you get the chance (and I must say probably if you are female of at least 40+) read and enjoy. It is definitely worth it.

Dix

London bloody London

This weekend I went to London to see Take That. This blog is not about the concert (another blog entry I think). This blog is about travelling around London. Now I would be the first to admit that I am not well travelled, I am not very experienced at travelling or very confident. I usually drive and as long as I either know where I am going or have a confident navigator beside me I am absolutely fine.

This weekend I went to London by train. The train from Norwich was fine - I travelled first class, something I had never done before and enjoyed the luxury of a reserved seat and the train being on time and not very full.

When I got to London my friend JC was meeting me to get me across the underground, something I wasn't sure I could do alone. Now I know I probably couldn't have done it alone. Everywhere was so busy and so hot and so crowded and so bloody unfriendly. Trouble is I am by nature a people watcher, I can't help it. I have always enjoyed watching people and enjoy making us little stories about them in my head. Maybe that's the writer in me. On the London underground looking at someone feels like a terrible crime. People don't look at each other, they don't register each other. Most are wired in to some electrical devise, or reading and others just look up or down but not at each other - oh no, not at each other.

The journey back from Wembley on the Saturday night was the worst - it was so hot and so full of people and stupidly I thought that we would all still be singing Take That and living on the high of yet another excellent concert. But not silence, no eye contact, misery. Hundreds of people packed in like sardines, lots of body odour and wind and big fat arses (and thats coming from me). We had quite a long journey to get back to our hotel. I felt very sick from the smells and the heat and the jerky train. I felt very sick indeed. Getting off that train was like leaving the dentist on your worst possible visit - something you had to endure and hold your breathe and get through.

I sat in my seat imagining my favourite place, walking on the beach with my dog, breathing in the beautiful sea air, looking across the endless blue sea, watching the sun reflect off the sand dunes in the distance, seeing the fluffy clouds race across the blue sky and feeling the light spray from the sea caress my face. I even remember thinking that even the wettest, coldest, windiest day on the beach was a hundred times better that sitting on this bloody awful train with strangers.

I am glad I went. I am glad I got through it all but have to say I can't understand why anyone would want to do this day in, day out and how lucky I am to live in my space, near the sea, with beautiful clear, clean air.