First post of 2012

My first post of 2012.
A year when I have to look on the bright side
When I have to make things happen for me.
When I have to let the bad stuff just wave over me
and the good stuff stick by.
A year when my life starts again.

dix

BR - a cat called norton by Peter Gethers

This is a funny little book written by a chap about his cat. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. It is not literature but it is entertaining and it doesn't end on a sad note (always good with animal books). He takes his cat everywhere and it fits along nicely with his life.

I found it really easy to read but it made me smile and that is OK. So if you like cats; don't mind the American slant and want an easy entertaining read - give this a go. You won't be disappointed.

Dix

BR - What if God were the Sun? by John Edwards

I have had this book for ages - years even but recently it kept coming to the top and being in my eyesight. I, mistakenly took this to mean that it was a message for me to read it. That this book would help me in some way - would help me feel better or give me a answer to the pain I feel in my life at the moment.

It didn't.

In fact it is a very poor book with little or no story line, is badly written and didn't leave me with any feeling apart from why did I bother to read it, buy it, or keep it so long. He didn't even explore the spiritualism properly. Oh well I can now pass it on and it won't be part of the clutter in my house anymore.

Dix

BR - the accidental by Ali Smith

I found this book really good to read and really bad. I know that doesn't really make sense but it does to me. I would recommend this book to anyone but beware it is written in a style that make is difficult; that makes you question what you have read and re read again and again. Well that is what I did anyway. I really liked the end, which is unusual for me as I normally find ends a disappointment. There are parts of the story I guess I still don't get but other parts that just wowed me. They left me wishing I could write like this; wishing I could get anywhere near this standard.

I don't want to even start to explain the story; it would just sound crap in explanation so if you are brave or if anything intrigues you - read it.

Dix

One Art by Elizabeth Biship

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop


I heard this poem and found it touched me. It touched my heart - so appropriate. I have to learn the art of loosing. I have to learn the art (again) of loosing love.

Dix

I found this quote by Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I found this quote on another blog that I read. I so hope that it is true but at least for today it has made me feel better.

Dix

Alone and blogging

I haven't really been able to blog for a while in fact there is so much in my life that I haven't been able to manage. I know I may have put this before but to explain my 30 year marriage ended 15 weeks ago now. He left me by sending a text message and ran off with one of my best friends. And it hurts so much. Every day I just hope it will start getting easier - and to be honest in some ways it is. I no longer want him back. I realise that what he has done is so bad and has hurt so much there is no going back. But still I wake every morning with them in my head and I go to sleep the same and in between I have moments of OK, moments of better than OK and moments of utter hell.

I ache inside, I ache with loneliness. I feel it like a pain. I know it is too soon to even be thinking about starting another relationship but I so miss having someone around. After 30 years, even though they weren't all good I so miss waking up beside someone, having someone to talk to, discussing the rubbish on TV, eating with and so on and so on. Some days I really believe that one day there will be someone else for me but most days all I feel is a great be empty hole of the future of being alone, of coping alone. And I absolutely hate it.

Today is a bad day, a really bad day - lots and lots of crying already, up at 5am because I can't bear lying there thinking of them, thinking of what they have done. I can't ring my friends crying anymore - I have had enough of me so I know they have. I want it to stop -I want the days to be better, I want to feel like I can cope with boy and just make a life for myself alone and not keep feeling like this. I know many many people live alone and they do just fine, they are happy and able to live their life to the full. I have done so many things to try and make this go away but it just wont. I am at college one day a week, I volunteer, I have got the house much tidier and have really cleared the clutter, I cook and I clean and I do the garden and I cut wood - lots and lots of things. But I still have so many days like today when I just feel so empty, so alone and can't stop crying.

I know if I just make myself then I should be writing - that may be the savour to my life - if I can write everyday and really get into it I might stop feeling like this but trouble is my concentration span is hopeless, my confidence lower than usual and my avoidance huge.

I have started to do some jogging, maybe physical exercise will stop the pain and help me continue to loose weight and help me see a future for myself.

So here is my first blog for a while and yes it is just me feeling sorry for myself - as another blogger puts it a proper visit from the 'self pity' gnome. I don't know if it will help but I have to try, I have to try anything to stop myself feeling like this. I know somewhere inside I have the means to move on but some days I just can't summon it up.

If anyone is reading this 'I am sorry' but if it helps me at all I am not.

dix